When a new story falls through the cracks,
our very own Lewis Black catches it
for a segment we call "Back in Black."
(cheering and applause)
Before the midterm elections come the primaries,
where Republicans and Democrats
try to win their party's nomination
by acting the most extreme.
It's like the X Games,
only with more brain damage.
Trying to win over either party's hard-core base
brings out the worst in people.
On the right, Republicans who want to seem Trump-y
are doing everything short of hiring Russian hookers.
I'm Todd Rokita, and I'll proudly stand
with our president and Mike Pence
to drain the swamp.
We don't need to investigate our president.
We need to arrest Hillary.
I'm a hard-core, card-carrying Tennessee conservative.
I'm politically incorrect and proud of it.
And, yes, I stand
when I hear "The Star-Spangled Banner."
I'm with you!
Everyone should stand for the national anthem.
For God's sakes,
it's two minutes before game time.
When else are you gonna go to the bathroom?
And with my prostate, sing it twice.
(laughter)
And the primaries are great
because you get to see the candidates
who are willing to tell it like it is.
West Virginia Republican Senate candidate Don Blankenship
going after Majority Leader Mitch McConnell,
defending an ad
in which he referred to McConnell this way.
If you want jobs,
if you want to end the drug epidemic
and you want to protect the unborn,
you need to vote for me.
One of my goals as U.S. senator
will be to ditch "Cocaine Mitch."
When you vote for me,
you're voting for the sake of the kids.
(chuckles)
It's for the sake of the kids.
I believe him because I'd rather have a guy like that in office
than within 500 feet of a playground.
But is he really trying to say
Mitch McConnell's on cocaine?
Our Mitch McConnell?!
If that's true, someone's cutting Mitch's blow
with Ambien!
(laughter)
But primary frights
work their stupid magic on both sides.
And here in New York,
Democratic Governor Andrew Cuomo,
who made his name as a moderate,
is being challenged by actress and progressive Cynthia Nixon.
And I couldn't be happier about her candidacy.
And I know you're all expecting me
to make a Sex and the City joke,
like saying, "I'm such a Miranda."
But the show ended 14 years ago,
so get over it, and stop being such a Charlotte!
-(laughter and applause) -Yeah.
And while... and while polls have Nixon trailing Cuomo,
he's been swerving left
faster than an MTA bus driver on bath salts.
For Cuomo, he's following Nixon's entrance
by checking off a left wing wish list.
Governor Cuomo issued an executive order yesterday
that will give prison parolees the right to vote.
There is a major push in New York
to legalize marijuana.
Cynthia Nixon came out in favor of legalization,
and now even Governor Cuomo is considering it.
Governor Cuomo has introduced legislation
that would ban disposable plastic shopping bags
throughout New York state.
While he was making the "ban the bag" announcement,
his Democratic opponent, Cynthia Nixon,
was leading a rally with environmental activists.
No more plastic bags in New York.
Finally, everybody's dog shit
will be able to breathe in public garbage cans
as God intended!
If you don't like the smell of turds roasting in July,
you don't belong in this city.
But if having celebrities in the race
means politicians taking stronger positions,
I'm all for it.
Worst-case scenario, the celeb becomes president.
It can't be a nightmare if it's already a reality!
And these are just the primaries.
If I'm gonna have the energy to endure the next six months,
I'm gonna need all of Mitch McConnell's stash.
I don't want to do it,
but it's for the sake of the kids.
Trevor.
Lewis Black, everyone.