Well, Christmas is all over and done with and I dunno about you, but my pockets are feeling the strain
so join me as I venture once again into the world of cheapo knockoffs!
Now, first time around, all those guys were bought on the same day from the same place for the same price
so this time around it's gonna be a bit more broad, shall we say.
Basically I'm just gonna show you every other knockoff and stupid-ass transforming toy I can find.
deep breaths now, 'cos it's gonna be epic!
let's kick things off large-styles with this massive Animated Optimus.
I found this fella in a newsagent's for a tenner in a box labeled "Robot Super Trucks!"
Check out this stupid old lump!
It's basically a Leader-class version of the Voyager Prime,
but I wouldn't get too excited 'cos it's unmistakably a piece of crap.
The plastic's all grainy and tacky, the joints are cack so you got no chance of holdin' a pose,
he's missin' his mouthplate entirely and I'm pretty sure his feet are on backwards.
Check this too, he even comes with his mighty axe, which awkwardly is slightly too big to go in his hand.
Fail!
[MIGHTY DOOM METAL RIFF]
Transformation's probably quite good on the original toy but on this one it's a bit of an ordeal.
The crappy plastic and weak-ass joints make it a bit of a white-knuckle ride
and obviously, the axe is too big to fit on properly, so it just has to sort of balance on top there.
But don't you think this is at least a little bit awesome?
I mean, this is what knockoffs are all about!
Yeah, it's properly shoddy, but it's the same as something I like, except it's HUGE!
And that's cool!
Staying with the oversized freaks for a second, check out this lovely big Wrecker Hook!
I got the proper toy off Carl a while ago and I was all like,
- This guy really needs to be big!
- and Carl immediately came back to me with a bigger one. What a guy!
So, this thing's okay. It's about Voyager size,
and just like Prime, it looks really cool, but get in closer and it starts to wither under the lights a bit.
The material's bad, but it's a weird kind of bad.
It's smooth, and all ...sort of creaky, and... I just don't like it.
Also the Automorph doesn't work
and they've done away with the see-through green
so he's got this murky blue light piping and this awful beige mace.
Paint job's nice and half-arsed too -
the flames have gone all dim and check it out on the side for some upside-down decals.
Whoops!
okay, let's see what our old mates at Funtastic have been up to, shall we?
Dig if you will, this two pack of Super Change Robots
which I'm sure you'll recognise as G1 Swindle and Brawl, or maybe, y'know RID Rollbar and Armorhide.
At first glance these guys don't seem too bad, I mean, they're faithful enough,
but the quality? Jesus Christ!
Mega thin plastic, mono-legs all round, conspicuous hollow bits,
they've even chopped off the copyrights - all that good stuff.
Again, these guys even come with mismatched weapons that don't fit.
These two are just a symphony of bumbling failure!
I mean, they weight nothin', I wouldn't even wanna try 'em on Bruticus.
Totally loathsome and utterly incompetent in every sense, and they're absolutely no use to anybody!
In fact, I think it's time they got smashed!
More from Funtastic later, but first, a little housekeeping.
I got a package from a chap called Adam about a year and a bit ago
and I think I've probably kept him waiting long enough
so what do you think of this Planet Fighter?
This cuddly little pooface is a gigantificated and de-gimmickified G1 Topspin.
He actually feels good! He's got a bit of weight to him
and isn't he just the cutest little chunkster?
The colours really work too - all black and orange and green and a bit of blue!
he's packin; this brutal rifle, too, and he's even got baby training wheels on his feet!
Weeeeee!
Alt-mode's a laugh riot, too. You can kinda see in this mode that he's a bit altered from the original
but still... would it fly?
Check this out too, apparently it's "China patented"
(whispers) ...by Hasbro!
Okay, what I'm gonna do now is I'm gonna go over a few toys that actually have nothing to do with Transformers
but I'm pretty sure you'll still be into it, so bear with me.
Next up is this little green Stego dude who, again, is a "Planet Fighter", from Simba the humping elephant
but not only is he a Planet Fighter, he's also a DinoBot!
...wait, what?
And although he's nicked the name, he's actually not a knockoff as far as I know.
So he's an okay dino, right? He looks passable!
Good shape, nice scaly skin, all in order.
BUT THEN:
Oh, God!
That's not how you do a dino robo!
I can really see what they tried to do, but... this is tragic.
Okay, movin' on.
This next little trio come from a line called TransBotIx from Playmind
and they're almost awesome enough for their own video, but not quite.
So here we go with this little chap, who's called Sniper - he's basically just a crap Skyfire.
I mean, he's not bad quality, but I'm pretty sure he's supposed to be the leader
and he's really not a very good robot. I mean, look at his arms! They're a joke!
And he's got this naff, sort of ill-defined Shredder face.
Transformation's extremely basic and the alt mode's not MUCH better.
Just full of kibble and ugly joints...
crap Skyfire.
Thankfully the other two are a tiny bit better - this dude's called Cricket, and he's actually a bit lovable!
Again, he's proper basic, all stubby arms and static legs, but he's just got a good vibe!
His head's cool - it's got a bit of an air of one of those Victory guys
and check his belly for flip-over engine action!
That's rad!
Alt-mode's kinda nice too - this guy really feels like a Gobot, or like an overwieght Hot Rod.
I dunno, I just like this little guy. Makes me smile.
Last up is this big drill lookin' dude, whose name is
Big Drill.
Robot mode's a bit flimsy, sadly - his head's on a pole so he's got no neck, and his arms are all over the shop.
Also he has a hell of a time holdin' his melee weapon -
not that it really matters when he's got these awesome shoulder cannons and these Megalon arms!
And oh yeah - Tommy-gun tits!
His alt-mode's equally beastly - "Big Drill" might be a bit of an understatement.
This thing's a monster! It's like a subterranean mammoth tank!
I mean, check out his turrets and his tracks - he's a fighter!
And y'know what else?
(UPDATE: I didn't know at the time, but it turns out this is a KO of Brave Exkaiser God Max.)
(And that's cool as shit!)
(Kind of makes everything I say about it null and void, though, right?)
(Oh well. Every day's a school day!)
Oh yes - third party Gestalt! Oh, the joys!
Yeah, I know, this guy's a bit crummy with his stumpy-three-quarter length arms,
retarded hawk head starin' out the chest, (UPDATE: sorry.)
Cricket starin' right out the back, ill-fitting hat, this unusable ultra staff,
and - get this - Big Drill actually splits in half to form the legs, and then his head becomes the gun!
That's dedication!
This is actually the biggest combiner I have, but he doesn't really have a name, apart from "Battle Warrior"
so, sticking with that Japanese theme of authoritative-sounding pseudo-Latin,
I like to call this guy
Brutal, and beautiful, and slightly terrible.
Made my day!
Brace yourselves now, 'cos we're moving into the realms of the ridiculous!
Join me if you will for a quick peek at this little thing.
It's just a tiny red kiddified fire truck!
Very square and compact, very "baby's first Autobot".
So what is it, a knockoff Inferno?
Well, you'd be forgiven. It transforms almost exactly the same, right down to the dramatic head reveal.
#The roof, the roof# #The roof is on fire#
#We don't need no water# #Let the muddumbuppun burn#
#Burn mupbupbupbuh#
#Burn!#
#The roof, the roof#
That's right, ladies - it's Fireman motherflipping Sam!
Yes indeed, this is the Fireman Sam Jupiter Convertible, from Character,
and it is just the doofiest thing I've seen in my life!
I mean, look at it! Would you want your kid playing with that?
That's not cute! This is an abomination!
Look, Character! Look at what your careless hands have wrought!
Look into its eyes! It longs for death!
[agonized scream] KILL ME!
From Character.
And finally tonight - no point screwin' around - look what I got here!
It's a cheapo Funtastic Poundland version of that awesome Thomas combiner
everyone's always whispering about!
Wooooo mama!
So let's break it down, shall we? You got this big red express loco,
this industrial lookin' blue fella, and this classy little green number.
The trains themselves are all right, they're pretty rich in detail. You can even hook 'em together, just about.
[energetic hardcore riff]
#Choo choo! Choo choo, Thomas!#
#Woo-woo! Woo-woo, Thomas!#
#Choo choo! Choo choo, Thomas!#
#Woo-woo! Woo-woo, Thomas!#
#Choo choo! Choo choo, Thomas!#
#Woo-woo! Woo-woo, Thomas!#
So yes, they fit together using the magic of parts leprosy, and Bob's yer Fat Controller:
combined mode!
It's a shame this thing's a knockoff, 'cos the quality stops it being any fun at all.
I mean, the plastic's cheap as hell, it feels like it's gonna fall apart,
the joints are awful, and the whole thing could just really benefit from a better paint job.
But it works! ...Sort of.
I suppose it's a functioning figure and it's far from the worst,
but ultimately all I can feel for this toy is pity, really, 'cos I get the feeling it wasn't designed as a joke.
I mean, look at the robot head and the weapons!
This is like some awesome Industrial Revolution Super Sentai thingy
and I get the sense that once upon a time this was actually a pretty killer toy.
These trains aren't even remotely Thomas-y!
That's not Thomas, that's not James, and that's not Percy.
This was just a cool train combiner toy that was just kickin' it,
and then one day somebody found it and was like,
"hey, let's just paint it in kiddie colours and give it a face like Thomas Tankman"
and then years later, Funtastic found it and regurgitated it again
in solid colours with these nightmarish generic faces
and here we are.
So while THIS toy is a ridiculous, laughable hunk of crap,
spare a thought for the amazing Knight Morpher precursor it probably was once upon a time.
I mean, even now you could probably get a pretty awesome custom Hearts of Steel Rail Racer out of it!
And I think that'll probably do for knockoffs. Jesus, that went on a bit!
Nice one if you stuck around to the end! Thanks again to Carl Megas and Adam for the donations.
This has been episode 90, you've been a wonderful audience, and I've been a useful little engine.