It's just not me.
It's just not right.
Yeah, it's just not right.
I can’t explain it.
Like...
Hey, I'm Stevie.
My pronouns are they/them
and I'm a non-binary person.
And in two days,
I am getting top surgery.
Top surgery
is the removal of breast tissue.
I am getting the surgery because
I want to feel comfortable in my body
and as long as I can remember,
since I went through puberty
as a young person,
I've just felt uncomfortable
and I've felt
like something's not quite right.
And when I first heard about this surgery
a couple of years ago,
there was something in my brain
that went ‘Oh cool!
That could be the thing’.
My earliest memory of feeling
uncomfortable in my body
will have been playing sports
or like anything super active
where I had to run.
As soon as my body started changing,
I just didn't,
I don't know.
I just didn't feel safe.
A lot of the times when I'm walking,
I will
just stick my hand here
holding my top out.
This is just kind of like a failsafe
so that I'm not having my clothes
being pushed into my chest
while I'm walking.
And it's sort of like a
feeling thing
so that I'm not seeing in my periphery,
and so I guess people can't see.
Must look a bit weird.
I'm really excited not to do that.
The surgery is going to be immense
for me.
It's going to remove
the biggest obstacle
to feeling comfortable.
I won’t have to wear
like four layers of clothes
when I go somewhere.
I mean, right now
I'm wearing one, two, three,
four different things,
and this is just like in my own home.
I own so many sweaters
because that is the thing
that makes me feel
the safest is wearing
like these big as bulky things.
I was thinking about
like the types of clothes
that I want to be able to wear
when I'm like post-op
and recovered and stuff.
I'll just actually be able
to wear a t-shirt
and in the summer
I'll just be able to wear a singlet
and I won't be like sweating.
I don't feel comfortable naked.
When I think about being naked,
I think about being scared
and feeling lonely and feeling wrong,
which
will change.
I know it will change
and I feel confident
that that will change.
And I will do work here
and I'll do work here as well.
Normally, I wouldn't
sit in front of the mirror like this
and take my clothes off and have a look.
But my surgery is in two days
and so it feels like
feels like
an opportunity to say, ‘goodbye,
never gonna have to do that again’.
I guess I want to share my experience.
You know, I think I want people to see
how hard it is.
Not so that I can feel sad, but,
you know,
maybe so that they can understand
what it's like.
Maybe so that
they can understand why this kind
of health care is important
to people.
And I'm never
going to have to do it again.
Ever.
I'm not, I'm not going to like
I will not look at myself naked
until after my surgery
from this point on.
The only like way I would look
at my chest like this is if I was like,
you know, trying to, like, visually
see what I'll look like without these.
Even then, it's still kind of hard,
you know?
And my like lower moments, I have just
looked in the mirror
and cried or been angry
or physically tried to rip.
I've never actually told
anybody that before.
But yeah, I will do that often.
And or just get angry with myself,
you know?
And it's not my fault.
I just need to remember, like,
I just need to remember to love myself
and that it will be over soon as well.
Today is surgery day.
In like two hours!
I'm excited.
I'm a little nervous
about recovering,
but the ultimate feeling is
I'm just so excited and like,
relieved.
Stevie, how are you going?
Hello. Good.
How are you?
Good, thank you.
All set?
Yes.
Excellent.
So, well, I guess.
What would you like to ask?
I don't have any questions I don't think.
Okay. Yeah, I'm just, I’m excited.
I'm stoked to be here.
I know.
Come and pull these covers
and look at my cool new chest.
Ready? Yep.
Oh, look how cool it is.
Oh, it feels right, you know?
Which is so cool.
It's just so cool.
I’m really, really happy.