Well, hello there and welcome to this episode of the Terri Cole Show that I'm gonna start with a
question. Do you ever wonder how you're doing when it comes to your boundaries?
Many of you have written into me saying, you're confused
about how your boundaries are going. Like, are you sort of doing it right? So in today's
episode, I'm gonna be breaking down the five different types of boundaries that we have.
And then I'm gonna be walking you through how to do a boundary inventory so that you can figure out
what relationships in your life do you need to focus your attention on or what situations
when it comes to your boundaries. So before we get started, if you are new to my channel,
well, hello and welcome. Introduce yourselves in the comment, because we are really a very
friendly group. Make sure that you subscribe and hit the bell because Hey, I roll out new
episodes every Tuesday and every Thursday. And I wouldn't want you to miss a thing.
If you are new here, my name is Terri Cole. I'm a licensed psychotherapist, a relationship expert,
and the author of Boundary Boss, which you can get at boundarybossbook.com. And I wanna say,
thank you. Thank you. Thank you for all of your questions and your comments and your participation
in this channel because that's what makes it such a fun place to be, which is why we
all want to be here. So I love to highlight your comments. So, Valorie, under the episode called
Father's Day Got You Down?, Valorie says, "'Your comfort zone becomes a comfortable prison.' Wow.
I heard and felt that all the way to the core of my being. Thanks so much for this episode,
Terri, I'm honoring the memory of a wonderful grandfather who was a blessing to me while also
cherishing the child within and the journey she has been on and continues to walk.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you." Well, Valorie, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I'm so grateful
that you are here. Okay. So let's move into today's episode. There are five different
types of boundaries, right? We know that there are three boundary styles basically, which is porous
that is too malleable or too loose. That is rigid, which is too firm, too unyielding. And then there
is healthy, which is kind of right in between those. Now let's move into the actual types.
We're gonna start with your physical boundaries, cuz this is something that I feel like maybe,
you know, this, maybe you've read it in Boundary Boss. Maybe you've heard it in other things that
I've done, but do you really keep it at the front of your mind when you're trying to figure out
where your boundaries need strengthening? And I feel like the answer to that for most people
is no. So I just wanted to do sort of a little refresher on the boundaries
that we have. The different types, cuz it's not just about what you think and how you feel
it's really about your body. So we're gonna start with your physical boundaries. So what are they?
This is your most basic boundaries are your body. This includes who has the right to
touch you and how, how much personal space you may need in your life. So examples of physical
boundary violation could be someone grabbing you without your permission, or let's say barging into
the bathroom while you're in the bathtub without knocking that also would be a boundary violation.
And what would it sound like to assert healthy physical boundaries? It could sound something like
I'd like to make a simple request that you knock before you come into my room, right? It could be,
it could really be that simple, which doesn't necessarily make it that easy.
So let's move into sexual boundaries, which, you know, some people consider a subset
of physical boundaries, which makes sense. So sexual boundaries,
let's just get clear that you and you alone get to decide what sexual touch is acceptable,
right? How, when, with whom you have intimate exchanges, this is completely self-determined
and it needs to be completely self-determined. So someone coercing you or pressuring you
or forcing you to be sexual with them or behaving in any way that makes you uncomfortable without
your expressed consent. That is an example of sexual boundary violations. So this can include
again, grabbing you, massaging your shoulders or making lewd or inappropriate comments. I mean,
sometimes people will say something that is so sexual and I think so inappropriate and
they think that you should be flattered and you're like, no, that is a violation. I'm not flattered.
If you don't want it, if it's unwelcome, if it makes you uncomfortable, it's a violation.
That is it. So asserting a healthy sexual boundary can sound like I don't have unprotected sex,
right? That is asserting a healthy sexual boundary. Or please step back. You are
standing too close for my comfort. You know, those close talkers. You're like, Hey man,
get outta my personal space. And it's okay to just say that, right. Let's move into the
third category, which is material boundaries. So this represents the way that you relate to your
material possessions, right? Whatever the things that right, how you want other people to relate to
them as well, falls under the category of material boundaries. So how many people have access to the
things that you own? Do you lend money or not? Would you let someone borrow your car? If you
had a car let's say, are there areas of your home that are off limits to other people, right.
Basically all of the conditions and stipulations around your stuff that falls into this particular
category. So an example of a material boundary violation would be someone using your computer
without your permission, right? Or someone taking clothes from your closet. I tell this
story in the book about how one of my sisters, when we both lived in the city
would like just let herself into my apartment and take things outta my closet without telling me.
And I would endlessly think I had lost that particular wrap or those sandals or whatever
it was. And then I would eventually be like, Hey, do you have that thing? And she would say she did.
And really came down to it where I had to be like, if you do not ask me going forward, I'm literally
taking the key back from you. And I would've done that. And then she started respecting my boundary,
but I needed to put something in place. There had to be a consequence in place,
which was really, would've been a consequence for both of us. Cuz sometimes I would need her to go
to my apartment. And if I took her key back, then she wouldn't be able to do that for me either.
But we ended up coming to an agreement and I think that she saw how serious I was
when I said I will have to take the key back. Cuz I didn't want to take the key back.
So asserting a healthy material boundary. What can that sound like? So let's say lending money.
You can say, I have a no lending money policy. So it's not personal. The answer will have to be no.
There is a way to do it. I know that when we're faced with people asking us
to borrow something or borrow money, it almost feels impossible to say no,
but it absolutely is not. That is a perfectly legitimate script to use
when anyone asks you to borrow money. And you should have a no lending policy, according to me,
because it just always goes bad. It just does. All right. The next category is mental boundaries.
So this is all about your values, your opinions, your beliefs, so healthy, mental boundaries means
that you know what you believe, you know what you think about things. It also includes your ability
to listen to others, even when you don't agree with them on everything, right? Like not taking
the fact that they think differently than you super personally, it allows you to take in
what someone else's saying. And it's even about having difficult conversations without shutting
down or exploding because those are two sort of automatic reactions to uncomfortable conversations
that then what do they do? Well, they shut down the conversation altogether, right?
It's basically being able to hold onto your own opinion, even when you're in the minority, even
when other people don't agree with that. So let's say someone making demands instead of requests
or disparaging your beliefs, those are violations of your mental boundaries.
So think about it. Do you have anyone in your life right now who tries to wear down your no,
even though you clearly say no. So it looks like you clearly expressing your
boundary and saying no. And the other person guilting, you trying to make you wrong,
trying to convince you to change your mind. Oh my God. It's just ridiculous. It's so exhausting. So
to assert a limit in that situation, you might say you've asked and I've answered
and then be done with that conversation. Or we'll have to agree to disagree because I won't tolerate
you belittling my opinion or you trying to wear down my no, I already said no.
So I will not tolerate you trying to wear that down. All right. The next category are emotional
boundaries. Now this is the category that I think most people, at least in our crew have the most
challenges with. When I was doing something live and in person, I think it was last summer,
a year ago, 96% of the people in the room when we were going through the categories said that
the one that they had the most difficulty with was this one emotional boundaries. So let's just start
with the fact that you are responsible for your feelings just as others are responsible for their
feelings, right? When you have strong, healthy, emotional boundaries, you don't blame others,
right? For the way that you feel. And on the flip side, you don't accept blame for how someone else
feels. Healthy emotional boundaries means you're clear about what is on your side of the street,
so to speak right emotionally. And what isn't, if your emotional boundaries
could use some strengthening, you might feel compelled to fix things for the people around you,
give unsolicited advice, let's say. You might give criticism that nobody asked for, you might
get very emotional or combative. You might get really defensive if someone is disagreeing with
you or if someone doesn't take your advice. So an example of an emotional boundary violation
is someone telling you, you shouldn't feel that way. You have no reason to feel that way
because here's the thing. No one has the right to tell you what you should or shouldn't feel. Your
personal boundaries are totally unique to you. All of these, right? And really you and you alone.
You have to figure out what is okay with you when you are interacting with other people. But that's
why we're gonna now move into the inventory. Um, the malleable boundaries are too easily
swayed, right? That means you have boundaries that are too loose. The rigid boundaries,
as I said at the top means you have boundaries that are too strong. And then what do we want?
We want those right in the middle. So someone with porous or malleable boundaries, right? The
ones that are too loose, you might overshare personal information. You might be overly
invested in the problems and issues of others. And then at the other end of that spectrum,
if your boundaries are too rigid, you might never ask for help, even though you could use it.
You might minimize your closeness with other people, meaning you, you don't trust people as
much. And you're so afraid of being rejected, that you kind of avoid close relationships. If
you have very rigid emotional boundaries, you might avoid close relationships altogether.
So healthy boundaries of course is what we're looking for. And that falls somewhere in between.
So when you have clear, appropriately flexible boundaries, you have a deep understanding of
yourself. You have a deep understanding of your preferences, your desires, your needs, your
limits, your deal breakers, all of those things, and you can communicate them effectively. So there
was your refresher on the types of boundaries. And now we're gonna take a quick boundary inventory
and I'll give all of this will be in the guide. terricole.com/guide. You don't have to take notes,
but I want you to think right now in your relationships right now, where are you a pushover?
Where are you feeling taken advantage of right now?
Are you super rigid in any areas of your life? Are you more likely to cut someone off,
to ignore them, to ghost them, to ice them out than you are to tell them why you're upset with
them because that is having rigid boundaries. Are you often too understanding about other people's
unacceptable or crappy behavior, right? Do you find yourself making excuses for other people?
This falls into the category of the lies we tell ourselves, that's what I talk about,
where we don't wanna deal with what we need to deal with. So if someone lashes out
or behaves badly, we make an excuse for them in our own mind.
And it's not just about quote unquote, letting them off the hook. Why do we do that? Oh,
because it lets us off the hook. Now we don't have to have a hard conversation,
but maybe we really still do need to have that hard conversation. Now I'm gonna guess
that we really still do. Do you accept other people's lame excuses, right? Allowing them to
avoid taking responsibility for their own actions that kind of falls into the same category. Someone
makes an excuse and you go that's, it's fine. It's fine. No problem. Um, so now what we're gonna be
doing, and this is gonna be the takeaway from here is you're gonna make a list of all of the people
and the circumstances In your life, where you are
doing any of these things. And I want you to be clear about what boundary type it is impacting.
Is it emotional? Meaning we're letting them sort of the other person let's say scream or ghost or,
or do things that are emotionally damaging to you. Is it physical where you really don't want
to lend something to someone or you did lend it to them and they haven't given it back to you
or you let money and they haven't paid you back and you get the feeling they're probably not going
to. So again, we want to think about the areas. Is it someone the way that they're talking to you,
are you feeling or being objectified by someone in your office, by someone that, you know,
making comments that they think are quote, unquote playful, maybe I, I don't know what they think.
Who cares? If it makes you uncomfortable, if it's a lewd comment, if it's
talking about your body or the way that you look in a pair of pants or whatever it is,
that really is a violation and it's of your physical form, right? It can fall into the
physical or the sexual category, but I find that it's really helpful. If you can get clear
about what category does this fall in for you, because you might be really good in almost all
the other categories, but maybe for you, emotional boundaries is your Achilles heel. And that's where
you need to do the work is understanding why. Is it because of codependency? Do you find yourself
you're an empath or a highly sensitive person, which all of those things, without a doubt,
complicates our ability to draw appropriate boundaries, especially
in the moment. So in the guide, there's gonna be something that you can fill out to start to
gain clarity on where you are right now. How are you doing in your relationships,
in your career, in your friendships, in your family of origin and with yourself
when it comes to boundaries. And when I say with yourself, I'm talking about your internal
boundaries, which basically is how you relate to you. Do you keep your word to yourself? Do you do
the things that you say you're going to do? When we are putting up with bad behavior from others,
we know we also are having diminished internal boundaries because you would have
to have disordered internal boundaries in order to continually put up with
crap from other people. So all of these things are connected. And when you are done filling
out the guide, terricole.com/guide, I think you're gonna have a much more clear idea
of what relationships in your life, what situations
need your attention. So this guide, when you're done filling it out, this is gonna act as a GPS
to where your attention is most needed. Because even if you've been doing great,
there's always more work to do. And not in like a depressing way, but in a hopeful way, because
there's more nuanced boundaries to create. So even if you're not struggling mightily, great, I hope
you're not, but there's always more. And there's always more precision that we can have when it
comes to expressing our preferences, our limits, our deal breakers. There's always more precision
that we can use more nuanced information that we can be giving other people, which will make
our lives easier. Right? Let it be easy. Let it be joyful. Let it flow. That is my most favorite
affirmation I've been saying for a month now. So feel free to use it yourself. Let it be easy.
Let it be joyful. Let it flow. So I hope this episode of The Terri Cole Show was helpful to you.
And if it was, please share it with the people in your world and let me know what your thoughts are.
You can drop comments on the website or you can find me on Instagram @terricole. Thank you for
spending time with me today. I appreciate you. And as always take care of you.