I started growing my hair
long when I turned 40.
That was my very mild mid-life crisis.
That's all I had the
energy and money to do.
That's all the rebellion I have left,
just screw you Supercuts,
I'm off the grid.
(audience laughing)
You gotta do the hair flip
to let the man
know you mean business.
That's like the exclamation point
at the end of a long hair sentence.
That's how you
know we're done talking,
like, yeah, so . . .
(audience laughing)
It's never a smart sentence.
It's never like, "So that's
"when I got my masters."
That's never happened.
(audience laughing)
It's more like, "So anyway
"that's the day I learned
"you can get a DUI on a bicycle."
(audience laughing)
So wise.
(audience laughing)
I have long hair,
I'm still a little prejudice
against guys with long hair.
I think it depends on the occupation.
Long haired comedian, fine.
Long haired cardiologist,
I've got a couple questions.
(audience laughing)
If they're like, "I just
"completed the procedure and I
"think your dad's gonna be fine."
(audience laughing)
Is he?
I have to play a game with strangers
ever since my hair got long.
I hate it, it's never my idea.
The game is called do you
know who you look like?
And it's never Thor, not
once has it been Thor.
Even when I'm holding the hammer
Thor has never been mentioned.
Guess what I have gotten,
chubby Jesus.
That's hurtful.
(audience laughing)
I get it, but it's hurtful.
Really guy standing next to
me in line at a coffee shop,
you just wanted to tell a stranger
you look like chubby Jesus?
You're a bad person
and guess what, I will not forgive you.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, you're gonna have
to talk to skinny Jesus
about forgiveness.
(audience laughing)
Skinny Jesus walks on water,
chubby Jesus likes to keep a shirt on
in the hot tub.
(audience laughing)
He's less forgiving.
(audience laughing)
I bet Jesus never got
called a fat Foo Fighter.
(audience laughing)
I don't really have a look
that says I'm doing well financially.
(audience applauding)
Huh, okay, wow, all right. Thank
you for clapping for my poverty.
Thank you.
I was at the grocery store,
checker was ringing up my stuff,
she got to my bag of apples,
and she was like,
"Sir, just to let you know,
"these apples are pretty expensive."
I was like, wait, do I look
like I don't have apple money?
Oh no, I want 'em,
I've been saving up.
(audience laughing)
I had my eye on that bag
of apples for a long time.
I said, someday, God willing,
those are going home with me,
today's that day.
I just cashed in a war bond.
Ring 'em up!
(audience laughing)
She's like, "Well, they're $4 a pound."
I'm like, yeah, I saw the sign,
but I did not come here to do math
so I don't know what that means.
(audience laughing)
She's like, "Okay, just so you know
"these apples are $20.13,
"are you sure you want 'em?"
And I was like,
yeah, I want some of 'em.
(audience laughing)
I'll take an apple, give me an apple.
Not the big one,
please put that one back
(audience laughing)
and that's when I sadly realized
she had profiled me correctly.
(audience laughing)
I'm doing all right,
I don't have honey crisp money.
(audience laughing)
I have honey crisp taste,
and a red delicious budget.
That's what I have.
(audience laughing)
I accidentally bought organic apples,
that was the problem.
Which by the way, that rarely
happens in the self checkout.
(audience laughing)
Little shopping tip for you guys.
If your budget's a little tight,
good news, a lot of stuff
looks like a banana.
(audience laughing)
Boop.
(audience laughing)
Not that I'd be able to pull it off.
I've never pulled off
self checkout by myself.
People who work there
have to come help me,
more than one,
a guy with keys shows up.
He's like, "What'd you do?"
I'm like, it says unauthorized
item in bagging area,
and I think it's me.
I don't actually work here.
(audience laughing)
I'm trying to avoid the checker.
I don't wanna talk to the—
I don't like that conversation.
I don't wanna talk
about what I'm buying
and how that means
my evening's gonna go,
"Oh Pepto Bismol and Duct tape—"
Hey, put it in the bag, how about that?
Put it in the bag.
Chatty Kathy, put it in the bag.
(audience laughing)
I don't know why I picked those
two items, I apologize.
(audience laughing)
I guess Pepto was plan A,
Duct tape was plan B.
The point is this ends tonight.
(audience laughing)