>> Stephen: I'M VERY EXCITED. GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND,
EVERYBODY! RIGHT THERE!
SORRY, I GOT SWEPT UP. I FORGOT TO TOSS TO YOU.
I GOT TOO SWEPT UP IN IT. THAT SOUNDED FANTASTIC.
I'M VERY EXCITED TO HAVE SWEET BABY JAMES ON THE SHOW TONIGHT
ALONG WITH MR. MATTHEW PERRY WHO'S GOT A NEW BOOK FASCINATING
ABOUT HIS LIFE RIGHT HERE. I'LL TELL YOU A QUICK STORY
ABOUT BOTH TAYLOR SWIFT AND JAMES TAYLOR IS THAT -- I'M
LUCKY ENOUGH TO INTERVIEW AND TALK TO BOTH OF THEM HERE BUT MY
LOVELY DAUGHTER WHEN SHE WAS IN COLLEGE HAD A COLLEGE RADIO SHOW
ONCE A WEEK, TUESDAYS AROUND 6:00 OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
USED TO TRY TO TUNE INTO IT OR 7:00, IT WAS AFTER THE SHOW.
I LOVED TO LISTEN TO IT ON THE WAY HOME ON THE INTERNET AND SHE
AND HER FRIEND WHO WAS DOING THE SHOW TOGETHER WANTED TO DO A
RADIO SHOW THAT WAS DEDICATED TO SONGS THEY LIKE AND SONGS THEIR
DADS LIKED AND THE NAME OF THE SHOW WAS JAMES TAYLOR SWIFT.
[LAUGHTER] ISN'T THAT NICE?
>> ACTUALLY SOUNDS LIKE A STEPHEN JOKE.
IT DOES, YEAH. THAT'S GOOD!
[APPLAUSE] >> Stephen: FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I
SPEND MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE PULLING TOGETHER THE DAY'S
BIGGEST STORIES ASSEMBLING THEM INTO A
SLEEK HULL, ADDING A SYMMETRY FLIGHT DECK, TWO ROLLS ROYCE
BR-725 ENGINES, PANORAMIC OVAL WINDOWS, AND TRUE CIRCADIAN
LIGHTING, TO PRESENT TO YOU THE MAGNIFICENT GULFSTREAM G-700 JET
THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES-- SOMETIMES,
FOLKS, JUST SOMETIMES, I WASH ASHORE IN A TAILING POND,
SHAKE OFF THE SULFIDE HEADACHE, STEAL A TENT FROM SOME TEENAGERS
AND WRAP IT AROUND SOME OLD BIKE FRAMES AND BOLT ON THE
SEAT I RIPPED OUT OF A DISCARDED GO-KART, THEN CLIMB AN
ELECTRICAL TOWER AND LAUNCH MYSELF IN THE HOBO HANG-GLIDER
OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: ♪ ♪ ♪
"MEANWHILE!" [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
LET'S DO IT. LIKE THAT ONE.
I LIKE THIS ONE, TOO. AH...
MEANWHILE... ACCORDING TO THE LATEST
RESEARCH, "U.S. WORKERS HAVE GOTTEN WAY LESS PRODUCTIVE, AND
NO ONE IS SURE WHY." THE RESEARCHERS ADDED, "I'M SURE
WE COULD FIGURE IT OUT, BUT... MEH."
[LAUGHTER] MEANWHILE, THERE'S BEEN A SEXY
SCIENTIFIC SEX BREAKTHROUGH, BECAUSE "SCIENTISTS FINALLY
LEARNED MORE ABOUT THE CLITORIS."
WHICH, THEY SAY, HAS "MANY MORE NERVE ENDINGS THAN WE THOUGHT."
TO WHICH COLLEGE-AGED MEN EVERYWHERE RESPONDED, "OF
COURSE-- AND I DEFINITELY KNOW WHERE THOSE NERVE ENDINGS CAN BE
FOUND. IT'S IN THE BATHING SUIT AREA."
MEANWHILE, CHAMPAGNE HOUSE G.H. MOOM HAS INVENTED A CHAMPAGNE
BOTTLE THAT CAN DISPENSE BUBBLY IN SPACE.
FANTASTIC. WHO DOESN'T WANT DRUNK
ASTRONAUTS? [LAUGHTER]
"HOUSTON, I HAVE A PROBLEM: I LOVE YOU!
[LAUGHTER] YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND, HOUSTON!
LET'S DO KAROKE! ♪ YOU WERE MY VOICE WHEN I
COULDN'T"-- ♪ [SNORES]
MEANWHILE, IN FAULTY ART NEWS [LAUGHTER]
MEANWHILE, IN DOG FOOD NEWS, "SAN FRANCISCO'S LATEST TRENDY
RESTAURANT CATERS TO CANINES." MEALS COST $75 AND INCLUDE
"FILET MIGNON STEAK TARTARE WITH QUAIL EGG."
PAIRS BEAUTIFULLY WITH DRINKING DIRECTLY FROM THE TOILET.
[LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE]
THERE IS A REVOLUTION COMING. MEANWHILE, A HOSPITAL IN ITALY
RELEASED PHOTOS OF "A RECENT, DELICATE BRAIN SURGERY DURING
WHICH THE PATIENT REMAINED AWAKE AND PLAYING THE SAXOPHONE."
THE REASON HE WAS PLAYING THE SAX WAS BECAUSE THE SURGEON WAS
ALREADY ON THE UPRIGHT BASS. [LAUGHTER]
THERE YOU GO. HIT IT, BABY.
HIT IT. MEANWHILE, MARIAH CAREY WENT
VIRAL FOR RELEASING THIS VIDEO TODAY TITLED, OMINOUSLY, "IT'S
TIME!" JIM?
[CREEPY LAUGHTER] ♪ IT'S TIME ♪
>> Stephen: NO! [LAUGHTER]
IT IS NOT TIME! IT IS NOT TIME.
[APPLAUSE] NO!
HALLOWEEN WAS JUST YESTERDAY, MARIAH!
YOU CANNOT "ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS" WHILE I STILL HAVE
MINI-SNICKERS IN MY LOWER INTESTINE!
[LAUGHTER] AND LET ME TELL YOU, IT IS
PACKED WITH PEANUTS. [LAUGHTER]
MEANWHILE, WE JUST LEARNED THAT "GERMANY IS GOING TO LEGALIZE
CANNABIS USE FOR RECREATIONAL PURPOSES."
[CHEERING] OH, AND JUST 108 YEARS TOO LATE
TO PREVENT A COUPLE WORLD WARS. [LAUGHTER]
"THEY'VE ASSASSINATED ARCHDUKE FERDINAND!"
"DAS IST EINE BUMMER. [LAUGHTER]
NOW LET'S CHILLAX AND WATCH THE CUCKOO CLOCK!"
[LAUGHTER] THE DECISION IS A LONG TIME
COMING. SO MANY U.S. PRESIDENTS HAVE
PUSHED FOR IT OVER THE YEARS, INCLUDING REAGAN'S FAMOUS SPEECH
AT THE BERLIN WALL. >> MR. GORBACHEV, RIP ON THIS
BONG! [APPLAUSE]
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK