LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU LUCKY BOYS AND GIRLS,
MY FIRST GUEST IS THE EMMY AWARD-WINNING HOST OF "LAST WEEK
TONIGHT" ON HBO. PLEASE WELCOME, JOHN OLIVER!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> Stephen: NICELY DONE!
GOOD EVENING.
GOOD EVENING TO ALL.
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> LET ME SAY THIS, THERE ARE VERY EXCITABLE KAY POP FANS
OUTSIDE.
YOU HAVE NEVER TRULY HEARD DISAPPOINTMENT UNTIL YOU PULL UP
IN A LARGE BLACK CAR, HEAR SCREAMS OF KAY POP BAND WHEN YOU
GET OUT, NOT A MEMBER OF A KAY POP BAND.
OH, MAYBE NEXT ONE.
>> Stephen: YOU COULD DO IT.
IT'S ALL ABOUT CONFIDENCE, ISN'T IT.
>> Stephen: IT IS.
UCCESS IN A K POP BAND IS 90% CONFIDENCE.
>> Stephen: THE REST IS SINGING THE KOREAN.
>> THEY FEEL LIKE JUMPABLE HURDLES.
>> Stephen: NICE TO HAVE YOU BACK.
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE FOR YOUR ANNUAL CHECKUP.
>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY.
WE'LL GET THERE.
I PUT THE GLOVES AWAY, UNFORTUNATELY.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU'RE ABOUT TO START SEASON
SIX.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: YOU PROBABLY ALREADY STARTED BUT IT
LAUNCHES -- >> WE STARTED SUNDAY.
WE HAVE BEEN PREPPING THINGS.
>> Stephen: CONFIDENCE HIGH.
FEEL GOOD?
THINK YOU'RE GOING TO SQUEEZE OUT THE SHOWS THIS TIME?
>> CONFIDENCE HIGH?
NO.
MY CONFIDENCE IS NEVER HIGH.
SELF-LOATHING HIGH, CONCERN ASTRONOMIC.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE A CREATURE FUELED PURELY BY ANXIETY.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: I'VE GIVEN YOU LOTS OF HELL OVER THE YEARS, YOU
KNOW I'M JUST JOKING.
I HAVE ENORMOUS RESPECT FOR YOU AND I KNOW THAT YOUR WORK IS
INCREDIBLY HARD BECAUSE LOOK WHAT IT IS DOING TO YOU.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: YOU ARE DECAYING.
YOU ARE DECAYING BEFORE OUR VERY EYES.
YOU WORE JET BLACK HAIR THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU.
YOU LOOKED LIKE YOU WERE IN A K POP BAND THE LAST TIME I SAW
YOU.
>> THE KEY IS TO START FROM NOT A PARTICULARLY ATTRACTIVE POINT
BECAUSE THAT KNOCKS THE EDGE OFF.
IF YOU SALT AND PEPPER IT, IT'S JUST HE WAS MORE TIRED THAN
BEFORE, HE ALWAYS SEEMED EXHAUSTED WITH NO REASON.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE VERY DISTINGUISHED.
>> OH.
>> Stephen: I'M OUT OF FRENCH.
TOTALLY 100%.
WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THE NEW POLITICAL REALITY THAT YOU'VE
RETURNED TO?
BECAUSE YOUR LAST SHOW WAS RIGHT AFTER THE MIDTERMS, RIGHT?
>> YEAH, JUST AFTER THAT, AND THEN OUR LAST SHOW WAS KIND OF
TRYING TO WORK OUT WHY THE WORLD SPENT 12 MONTHS IT SEEMS
SHIFTING TO THE RIGHT, WHETHER IN HUNGARY, POLAND, BRAZIL, AND
TRYING TO FIND ANSWERS TO THE BOTTOM OF THAT DEPRESSING
VOLCANO.
>> Stephen: WE JUST PASSED THE MIDPOINT IN TRUMP'S HOPEFULLY
FIRST AND ONLY TERM, AND SOME SAY THE END IS IN SIGHT.
I DON'T SAY THAT BUT -- >> I DEFINITELY DON'T HAVE THAT
KIND OF OPTIMISM.
TO SAY WE'RE HALFWAY THROUGH HIS PRESIDENCY IS TO IGNORE THE
POSSIBILITY OF A SECOND TERM.
WE ARE TWO TO SIX YEARS AWAY FROM IS PRESIDENCY.
( BOOING ) OH, WOW.
IS THIS A BIG TRUMP 2024 FANS IN HERE?
>> Stephen: THREE TERMS.
THREE TERMS.
WH>> WHY NOT?
>> Stephen: HE HAS TO GO AT SOME POINT, CONSTITUTIONALLY.
>> WE ALL HAVE SOMETHING TO AIM AT.
WE ALL HAVE A FINISH LINE LIKE IN A MARATHON THAT WE ALL
STUMBLE OVER, BE COVERED IN A CAPE AND HAVE SOMEONE SAY, YOU
REALLY SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT.
>> Stephen: WHICH IS TO STAY ALIVE TILL JANUARY 21, 2025?
>> I THINK THAT'S WHAT WE ALL HAVE TO DO, ALL OF US ESPECIALLY
RUTH BADER GINSBURG.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I MEAN, LISTEN, IF SHE CAN
FUNCTION TINKERBELL STYLE AND WE CAN JUST KEEP HER ALIVE BY
CLAPPING OUR HANDS, AT THAT POINT PELOSI NEEDS TO GO FULL
ALLIGATOR CLAP.
BELIEVE, CHILDREN!
BELIEVE!
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YOU STILL GET
ACROSS THE POND TO YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS IN ENGLAND.
>> I HAVEN'T BEEN BACK IN 18 SNOONTS YOU TALK TO THEM ABOUT
BREXIT?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: A MONTH LEFT BEFORE EVERYTHING GOES TEA
KETTLE UP.
( LAUGHTER ) >> YES, YES, THAT IS -- YOU
STUMBLED INTO, YES, THAT'S AN ACCURATE PHRASE.
THE TEA KETTLE REALLY COMES TO A SIMMER.
>> Stephen: REALLY GOING TO THE TIN.
>> THEN WE'LL REALLY HAVE TO DUNK THE GARABALDI, IF YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN.
TOO DEEP A CUP.
>> Stephen: YEAH, SURE.
THE THING WITH THE CURRENT PRESIDENT, IS AGAIN, THERE IS
THAT END POINT IN SIGHT, TECHNICALLY WHENEVER THAT POINT
IS.
WITH BREXIT, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT INTERNATIONAL DAMAGE THAT COULD
END UP BEING DONE HERE, SOUTH VERY, VERY BAD.
>> Stephen: HAS ANY HAPPENED?
MARCH 26?
>> TWENTY-NINTH.
>> Stephen: IT'S, LIKE, IF THEY DON'T GET A DEAL, THEY JUST
HAVE TO LEAVE WITH NO DEAL.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: WHAT DOES NO DEAL MEAN?
>> IT MEANS WE'LL SEE.
WE'LL SEE WHAT IT MEANS.
IT'S LIKE SAYING TO SOMEONE WHO JUST JUMPED OUT OF AN AIRPLANE
WITHOUT A PARACHUTE, WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?
I GUESS IT MEANS A MASSIVE EXERCISE IN CONFIDENCE.
( LAUGHTER ) LET'S HOPE THIS WORKS OUT FOR
YOU.
I DON'T REALLY SEE WHAT YOUR END PLAN IS HERE.
>> Stephen: WHAT EFFECTS HAVE THERE BEEN, ALREADY?
>> WELL, IT HASN'T HAPPENED YET.
THAT'S THE CRAZY THING.
BRITAIN VOTED FOR BREXIT TWO YEARS AGO.
IT HASN'T HAPPENED.
THE BRITISH ECONOMY CONTRACTED AND THE POUND IS DOWN 13%.
>> Stephen: HAVE PEOPLE CHANGED THEIR ECONOMIC PLANS?
>> BASED ON MOTHERLE SHEEP FARMERS ARE DECIDING HOW MANY
SHEEP SHALL I HAVE OR SELL MY SHEEP ALTOGETHER.
>> Stephen: WHAT YOU DESCRIBED IS ILLEGAL.
( LAUGHTER ) THOUGH COMMON, I UNDERSTAND, IN
SCOTLAND.
YES.
( APPLAUSE ) >> I'M STILL NOT QUITE SURE WHAT
THAT APPLAUSE IS FOR.
>> Stephen: I KNOW EXACTLY.
IF YOU ASKED THEM, I'M NOT SURE THEY COULD DESCRIBE IT.
THAT'S THE PROBLEM, YOU'RE HAVING TO THINK SO LONG TERM.
THEY HAVE LAMBS THAT WILL BE BORN IN POST-BREXIT BRITAIN AND
YOU WON'T KNOW HOW MUCH TO SELL THEM FOR.
>> Stephen: OR WHEN TO SHEAR THEM.
>> WHEN SHALL I SHE SHEAR YOU.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE TO GET CONSENT.
>> HAVE YOU EVER SHEARED?
>> Stephen: I HAVE.
I LIKE THE SMELL.
>> DID YOU?
>> Stephen: LLANO LYNN.
THERE'S A FUNK.
>> Stephen: WEEE WANT THE FUNK, GOTTA HAVE THE FUNK.
♪ WE NEED THE IF YOU THINK ♪ ♪ GOTTA HAVE THAT FUNK ♪
>> THEY'RE ALWAYS THERE.
KEEP IT GOING, AT SOME POINT, CBS WILL HAVE TO FIGHT THE
ROYALTIES ON THAT.
♪ WE'VE GOT THE FUNK ♪ >> Stephen: DON'T GO.
BACK WITH MORE JOHN OLIVER.
WE HAVE A SPECIAL PRIZE!