There were many different ways
to keep up with the Democratic Convention this week--
on the TV networks, streaming online,
or if you're like me, listening to it on Spanish soccer radio.
Barack Obama... (speaking Spanish)
Elizabeth Warren... (speaking Spanish)
Joe Biden... (speaking Spanish)
Goal...!
But I also wanted to watch the DNC
the way President Trump does-- on Fox News.
And based on how Trump's Fox friends reacted
to Joe Biden's speech,
I suspect that he wasn't very happy last night.
Joe Biden just hit a home run in the bottom of the ninth.
He had pace, rhythm,
energy, emotion and delivery.
It was a good speech, I'll give him that.
It was very emotional.
BRET BAIER: It was the best he's been
as far as his delivery.
And everyone's looking for him to flub up a line,
and he really didn't.
-Yeah. -He delivered it well.
He's portraying himself as a unifier
who would bring the country together.
Uh, he did so ver... I thought, very effectively.
CHRIS WALLACE: It seems to me that after tonight,
Donald Trump is going to have to run against a candidate,
not a caricature.
He did beat the expectations, Don.
Yes, after Joe Biden's speech last night,
most anchors on Fox admitted that he did a good job.
And that's impressive,
because Fox News never praises Democrats.
If Obama saved a bunch of kids from a burning orphanage,
their angle would be,
"Why are Democrats taking our children's right to burn?"
I mean, did you see Don Junior's face?
He got so sad
when Laura Ingraham said that Biden beat expectations.
Look at him.
That's the same look he gave that Russian lady in Trump Tower
when she said she didn't have dirt on Hillary.
D'uh!
But don't get it twisted.
Just because Fox praised Biden doesn't mean
that they've suddenly turned into MSNBC.
I mean, they still came with fire for Biden's V.P.
Kamala Harris' acceptance speech was about as, um, electric
as the state of California right now.
I didn't think that was very rousing.
I thought there was a lot of Democratic boilerplate.
I'm not sure she came across last night
as somebody who's ready
to step quickly into the president's shoes.
That's a blood-on-your-hands speech--
really nasty and very personal.
I have to say, I thought it was a pedestrian speech.
That was the most dull, boring,
and uninspiring acceptance speech I've ever heard.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
The most boring acceptance speech?
I mean, sure, it wasn't Training Day, okay?
But you guys are acting
like you've never heard of Mike Pence.
"The most boring speech."
Do you remember Mike Pence's speech from the RNC?
Do you remember what he said? No. Exactly.
You know why? Because Mike Pence is the most boring thing...
Mike Pence is so boring, he's like the human version
of the soft padding that they put
on the walls of music studios.
When he talks, somehow, the room gets more silent.
I mean, I get why Fox News thinks
most speeches are going to be boring.
They spend all day watching a lunatic tell people
to inject bleach, pose with Goya Beans,
and call his porn-star mistress a "horseface."
At this point, the moon landing will be too boring
for Fox News.
But the truth is, since Kamala got the nomination,
Fox has been attacking her from every possible angle.
And to get a better sense of how Fox News is trying
to define Kamala Harris, we asked our very own Desi Lydic
to watch the network nonstop and explain it to us.
I've been watching Fox News for 64 hours straight,
and I think I know everything about Kamala Harris.
So, Kamala Harris is a radical communist senator
from California.
She's going to turn the entire country into San Francisco.
I hope you like couscous,
because it's gonna be the only legal side dish.
They want you to think Caramel Harris is a mainstream,
but the truth is, she's a radical socialist,
Vegemite hell demon.
She attended Socialism University
and majored in abortion.
She will ban assault weapons from hospitals and make it legal
for immigrants to play in the NFL.
You want to know something else about Campbell Soup Harris?
She has never once clapped when the airplane lands.
In this country, we stand and applaud for our JetBlue pilots.
And guess what else.
Calamari Harrison supports the Green New Deal.
You have a car? Well, guess what?
You're gonna be forced
to put one of those "Coexist" stickers on it.
You're not fooling anybody, Alexandria O'Kamala Cortez.
She just... she just seems so angry.
I mean, what the hell is she so angry about?
I hate angry women!
Why has she still not released Obama's college transcript?
What is her skin care routine?
What does she think about the Minions?
How can we trust Candelabra Harris?
She's a cop who wants to defund the police,
meaning she would stop existing
because she eats money to survive.
She is half Indian and half Jamaican.
So say goodbye to drinking beer at a football game,
and say hello to sipping a mango lassi
at a bobsled competition.
Actually, that sounds really good.
Forget I said anything.