Uh, but let's get back to the presidential election.
Yesterday, Republican presidential nominee
and scrubby side of the sponge, Donald Trump--
he gave a major foreign policy speech
on his plan to defeat ISIS, which was surprising,
because up until yesterday,
Donald said he was going to defeat ISIS.
He just wouldn't tell us how.
I have a great plan. It's gonna be great.
Well, what is it?
I'd rather not say. I want to be unpredictable.
I have a simple message for them.
Their days are numbered.
I won't tell them where, and I won't tell them how.
(laughter)
This guy's a joke.
He's talking about fighting terrorism
like it's a game of peek-a-boo.
Where are you? Peek-a-boo!
-(laughter) -You know what? I get it, Donald Trump.
I agree with that sentiment, because sometimes to win a war,
you have to do some (bleep)
that I don't want to hear about, you know?
Like, what if Donald Trump's plan is to go to Syria
and then jerk off ISIS until they're too exhausted to fight?
-(laughter) -We don't want to know about that.
We don't. We don't.
When Donald Trump comes home and says,
"Don't worry about ISIS anymore.
I just need to go wash my hands,"
-we don't want to ask why. -(laughter)
Now, real quick, to break down Trump's speech.
25% of the speech was him telling us about stuff he'd do,
and the rest was basically player-hating
every single foreign policy decision
the U.S. has made over the past 15 years.
So for more on these facts, we turn to our own Desi Lydic
with What the Actual Fact?
(cheers and applause)
Thank you, Trevor.
Donald Trump's speech was all about fighting terrorism,
which he sees as the nation's third greatest threat
right behind the news media and a gentle breeze.
(laughter)
So let's start with one of Trump's favorite claims
about his superior foreign policy judgment.
I was an opponent of the Iraq War from the beginning.
That's a lie.
To the extent that Donald Trump cared about Iraq,
in the beginning, he supported the war,
as he told Howard Stern at the time.
That's right, Trump was asked if he was
and he replied, "Yeah, I guess so,"
which, incidentally, is also Trump's go-to wedding vow.
-(laughter and groaning) -(clears her throat)
So when Donald Trump says he was always against invading Iraq,
that statement is false.
It's been debunked over and over, and the proof is on tape.
Trump seems to think
we can't easily find this stuff on the Internet.
So I give this claim one hotel porn channel.
(laughter)
Really? $25,
No, thank you. (laughs)
Not interested.
So next on Trump's tour of world hot spots-- Libya.
The failures in Iraq were compounded
by Hillary Clinton's disaster,
total disaster in Libya.
Hillary Clinton's forceful advocacy
for the intervention was the deciding factor.
That's why we went in.
So Donald Trump says Hillary Clinton urged President Obama
to intervene in Libya, and you know what?
That is completely true.
And a guy like Donald Trump
would never make such a stupid mistake,
except he did.
Gaddafi in Libya is killing thousands of people.
Nobody knows how bad it is,
and we're sitting around.
We have soldiers all over the Middle East,
and we're not bringing them in to stop this horrible carnage.
Now, we should go in, we should stop this guy,
which would be very easy and very quick.
That's right, Trump
the intervention in Libya.
Basically, he's trying to go back and rewrite the past.
So I give this one
-(laughter) -Which, coincidentally,
also features a parent who wants to bang their kid.
-(laughter) -Yeah. Yeah.
-(applause, cheering) -Yep.
Aw.
Desi Lydic, everyone.