- Well, Esther, you know
that I love all things that are good and holy.
- Mm-hmm.
- But if he doesn't let go of my grandniece, Grace,
I'm gonna cut the devil's dick off
and shove it in his ass.
- Mmmmm-hmm!
- With my prayers. - I know you will.
(celestial organ music)
- Father, please hear our prayer for the poor.
- Thank you, Father. Yes. - We beseech you
for the disenfranchised, the less fortunate,
and those that suffer.
Show us your will
so we can continue to do your work.
- Yes, Father.
(dramatic music)
- [God] I have come to answer your prayers.
Listen carefully to my instructions.
(congregation exclaiming) (angelic choir singing)
I want you to sell everything you own
and immediately begin service to the poor.
- Just wanna clarify... um... Everything?
- [God] Yes.
Rid yourself of all earthly possessions.
(angelic choir continuing)
- Oh, (bleep)! This house is haunted!
(woman shrieking)
- Haunted house! - It's a ghost!
(everyone screaming)
- Move!
- Go, go, go, go!
(door slamming)
- [God] Oh... I see what they did there.
(woman vocalizing)
- Hey, I just got a text from Charles, y'all.
He got on the wrong bus.
He's on the other side of town.
- Other side of town?
But our concert is in an hour!
- Yeah, I know,
but he wants us to warm up
and rehearse "Praise to the Lord."
- Charles said that? - In text.
- Okay, okay.
Well, if that's what Charles said.
- Yeah, that's okay. We got this.
We can do this.
- Ooh, we can do this!
- Come on, y'all.
(women vocalizing)
♪ Ooh, 5, 6, 7, 8 ♪
♪ We lift up to the Lord ♪
♪ We give praise up to the Lord ♪
♪ We sing merrily up to the Lord ♪
♪ Give thanks up to the Lord ♪
♪ We lift up to the Lord ♪
♪ We give praise up to the Lord ♪
♪ We sing merrily up to the Lord ♪
♪ Give thanks up to the Lord ♪
♪ I think you're off of your note ♪
♪ You're going higher than your note ♪
♪ Pretty sure this is my note ♪
♪ In fact I'm positive this is my note ♪
♪ Because this is my note ♪
♪ Pretty sure this is my note ♪
♪ Could have sworn this was your note ♪
♪ That has never been my note ♪
♪ Well we can't have the same note ♪
♪ So one of us is wrong ♪
♪ Why don't you worry about your note ♪
♪ I'll take care of my own note ♪
♪ But it's a really really really bad note ♪
♪ You are not Charles ♪
♪ I never said that I was Charles ♪
♪ Well you acting like you think you're Charles ♪
♪ Look I know that I'm not Charles ♪
♪ You can say that again ♪
♪ Well you're both off your notes ♪
♪ And it's messing with the rest of our notes ♪
♪ Speaking for yourself Naima ♪
♪ I'm holding my note ♪
♪ I wasn't trying to single you out ♪
♪ You said everyone was off their note ♪
♪ Not everything is about you, Gina ♪
♪ Kiss my black ass ♪
♪ Oh dear Lord ♪
♪ Where is Charles ♪
(everyone complaining simultaneously)
(organ music playing)
(Georgina sighing)
- Happy Sunday, Esther.
- Happy Sunday, Georgina.
How was your week?
- Oh, the Lord is with me.
- Mm-hmm.
- But the Devil,
he got his hands on my grand-niece, Grace.
- Oh, no. - Mm-hmm.
They're smoking the reefer,
doing the hanky-panky with boys.
- Oh, Georgina!
- Oh, Esther.
You know that I love all things
that are good and holy.
- Mm-hmm.
- But if he doesn't let go of my grand-niece, Grace,
I'm gon' cut the devil's dick off
and shove it in his ass.
- Mmmmm-hmm. - With my prayers.
- I know you will, Georgina.
I know you will.
- How was your week, girl?
- Oh, you know me,
I'm blessed and thankful for every day.
- Mm-hmm. All right.
- But you know, my grandson Jason
got hisself wrapped up
in the leathery claws of Satan.
- (gasping) Not Jason!
- He got hisself arrested
for the spray painting and the vandalism.
- Oh, Lord. - And I tell you,
I never raise my hand in anger,
but if he don't let Jason go,
I'm gon' punch that nigga Satan in the nuts so hard
it wipe the dick-lickin' smirk
off his horned-ass face.
- Mmmm-hmm.
- With my prayers. - Amen.
I know you will, Esther.
I know you will.
But Esther, I gotta tell you something else now.
- Mm, let it out!
- You know, Esther,
that I have found serenity in the glory of heaven.
- Yes!
- But my daughter's husband, Bernard,
has got himself wedged
between the cleft hooves of Lucifer hisself.
- Mm-hmm.
- She opened up his laptop computer
and found the pornography of women.
- Not the pornography of women.
- Absolutely, the pornography of women.
- Not on the laptop computer!
- The laptop computer and the pornography of women!
I am a pacifist under God's request,
but if he don't let go of Bernard,
I'm gon' sneak up on that bitch-ass Lucifer
right in the midst of his sleep time
and then I'm gon' sit on that motherfucker's head
and I'm gon' spread my booty cheeks on that pig's face
and I'm gon' just pucker up my stank hole
(Esther gasping)
and just (starts scatting)
until that nigga got a brown dot on his nose
that I could use for target practice.
(Esther and Georgina imitating gunfire)
- Oooh! Shoot that nigga in the shit dot!
- With my prayers!
- With your prayers, of course. Of course.
Oh, Georgina, Georgina, Georgina.
- Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.
- I got nothing but faith in God in heaven above,
but I tell you, my son's wife, Crystal,
she got herself wrapped up in the fiery wings
of Mephistopheles hisself. - Here we go!
- You know, she got caught using profanity
with her own children. - What?
- At the dinner table. - Oh, Lord! Child, child.
- Georgina Dolly Martin!
Oh, I have nothing but love
for every creature on this planet.
- Mm-hmm.
- But if he don't let my darling Crystal go,
I'm gon' flirt with the devil.
- Oh! Oh!
- Show him a little bit of shoulder.
How you doin'?
He gon' start looking away.
I will start twerkin'.
Start twerkin'. - Twerkin'!
- He gon' be like, "Woo!'
He gon' be, he gon' be drawn in.
- Mm-hmm.
- Seduce that little motherfucker.
Give him one of these.
Bat my eyelashes at him.
Then when he least expects it
and I got his trust,
that's when I'm going to ride that nigga.
(Georgina gasping)
I'm gon' give him the night of life,
a night he ain't never gon' forget.
- Go get him.
- I'm gon' give him this way,
I'm gon' give him that way.
And then, right when he about to climax,
that's when I'm gon' crunch up my pussy
on that motherfucker's red dick,
and I'm gon' snap that nigga cock off
with a divine Kegel.
- Well, you gotta snap that nigga dick off!
- Woo! - Snap it off!
- Woo!
- With my prayers. - With your prayers.
Of course, with the prayers, yeah.
But that's right, girl! - Yes!
- You go get him, Esther! - Yes!
- Fuck Satan! - Fuck him!
- Fuck him in the-
(sinister music)
(Georgina gasping)
- What, what's happening, Georgina?
- Georgina isn't here anymore.
(demonic laughter)
It is I, Satan.
(Esther gasping)
(Satan grunting)
- No, Esther, I'm in here
and I'm kicking this nigga's ass!
- Yeah!
(Satan grunting)
- Oh, help me! Somebody help me!
I've gotta get out of this bitch!
- Get him, Georgina! Get him!
- I stuck a safety pin in this nigga's urethra!
(Satan screaming in pain)
- Fuck! That hurts!
- Right now I got his dick in my hands
like an old rag I'm wringing out!
I'm wringing it out!
- Gimme some of that!
I wanna piece of him!
Yeah, tag me in!
(sinister music) (Esther yelling)
- Who is this crazy bitch now?
(Esther screaming)
- It's me, motherfucker! Your worst nightmare!
(Esther cackling)
- Motherfucker!
- I'm on top of you, I'm-
- What's going on?
This feels good.
Why would you do this to me?
- Oh, you'll see in a second, motherfucker!
- Just wait! You'll see in a second!
- I'm waiting but (grunting) here I come!
Here I come!
- Here you go! (grunting) Ha! Got it!
(snapping noise) - Ooh!
- Ooh, I got him good.
- I'll do anything you say.
I'll do anything you say.
- Too late. Too late now, Satan.
(Satan groaning in pain)
We should probably go.
- Oh yeah, let's go, let's go.
- We don't wanna disrupt the service.
- I got a hold of him.
We gon', we gon' go medieval on his ass.
- No! No! (sobbing) I can't take it!
I can't take it! I can't-
- Get over here, mister!
- Please, please, get these crazy bitches offa me!
(Satan wailing and groaning)
Jesus Christ is my personal lord and savior, I swear!
- No, too late for that now!
(woman singing touching opera song)
- Come now, Mary Magdalene.
Stand and be forgiven for your sins.
- But Jesus, how can I be forgiven?
I'm a prostitute.
- No, child.
You were a prostitute.
That life is behind you now.
- [Pimp] Mary Magdalene!
Where you at, bitch?
- Oh no, Jesus!
I think it's my pimp.
I think he found me!
- There you are!
Man, it took me forever to find yo ass!
I been looking all over for you!
You know how many bitches named Mary
there are up in here?
Now get yo ass in that caravan!
- No! No!
I'm not going with you, Gali-Leroy.
I'm gonna stay here with Jesus.
- What the flip is this?
You washin' this (bleep) feet?
- Maybe.
- I taught you that!
I rescued you from that fishing village.
I cleaned you up and got you out to work.
And now this how you repay me?
You go and get yourself another pimp?
Hell no, brother! She's mine!
- I don't think you understand.
She's not going with you.
- Well, I can't afford to lose her.
I already lost three bitches to leprosy, all right?
All I got left is Mary, a cripple,
and two blind chicks who...
Actually, you know, they get requested a lot.
Don't ask me how that works.
- Get outta here!
I'm not going with you, Gali-Leroy!
I'm staying here with Jesus
and I'm warning you.
Jesus has like, 12 followers. Tell him!
- Oh, 12? (scoffing) Okay. All right.
So this mother(bleep) a serious pimp.
- No, my friend. You're confused.
It's 12 men.
- Uh, what? You a gay pimp?
- I'm not a pimp.
I'm a carpenter.
- Carpenter? (chuckling)
Then why does your house look like (bleep)?
- I've been busy with non-carpentry work.
- Okay, that's it.
Bitch, pack your (bleep).
Get in the caravan and make me some money.
- No!
And I don't have any stuff to pack.
Jesus says we don't need things.
- What the...?
- Is this is all about money?
- Hell yes it's all about money, brother!
- I have a saying. - Ooh.
- It goes like this. - You're gonna love this.
- Shut up.
- It's easier for a camel
to pass through the eye of a needle
than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.
- Oh yeah?
Well, I got a saying too.
It's easy, you know,
why don't you pass your own?
Pass your ass through the needle.
Man, (bleep) you, man. Come on.
- The girl stays. - What?!
(Mary Magdalene gasping)
(angelic choir singing)
- What the (bleep)?
I slapped you
and you want me to hit you on the other cheek?
That ain't gangster. This (bleep) crazy.
You can have him. I'm done.
- Wait, friend.
(moving opera song resuming)
So you know that there are no hard feelings,
would you care to join us for dinner?
- What y'all havin'?
(gentle organ music)
- Hello everyone.
I'm Joseph Carmichael.
Otis is,
was my father,
but we are not here today to mourn his death,
but to celebrate his life.
We knew Otis as a teacher, a community leader,
a role model, a husband and a father.
Now I thought it would be nice
to share something about him
you all may not have known.
When my father was younger,
he was an actor in Hollywood.
Going through my dad's things,
I found this reel of his work as an actor.
I haven't seen it yet,
but I thought it would be fun to watch
here with all of you today.
(congregation murmuring)
(woman gasping)
- Where are my pies?
Ribbles, where are the pies I put on my window sill?
(goofy music)
- Why, I don't know, Mrs. Carruthers!
Why would anyone wanna steal
one of your delicious blueberry pies?
(upbeat ragtime music) (man snapping fingers)
- Hey! See to it you shine those shoes up nice, boy.
- Yes, suh!
You best be believin' I will!
I'll shine yo shoes
blacker than my momma's booty!
(congregation gasping)
(Otis laughing heartily)
(dramatic music)
(Otis screaming and gibbering)
- Oh, hell no! (Otis gibbering)
(gentle organ music) - In 1964,
my father marched with Martin Luther King Jr.
and Harry Belafonte,
along with other renowned civil rights leaders...
(cheerful ending theme)
♪ Oh I want you ♪
♪ But I don't need you ♪