>> James: WELCOME BACK.
OUR NEXT GUEST IS A GIFTED STAND-UP COMEDIAN AND
WE'RE HONORED SHE'S CHOSEN OUR SHOW TO MAKE HER LATE-NIGHT
DEBUT. HER BRILLIANT AND HILARIOUS
PODCAST, "BEIN' IAN WITH JORDAN" IS AVAILABLE NOW.
PLEASE WELCOME, THE DELIGHTFUL, JORDAN JENSEN!
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
>> James: HELLO,. >> HELLO, HI, HELLO, THANK YOU.
IT'S NICE TO BE HERE IN L.A., YOU HAVE A LOT OF NICE PEOPLE
HERE. I LIVE IN NEW YORK.
THAT'S NICE. WE'RE NICE TO A LIMIT.
I JUST I THINK I HAD THE MOST NEW YORK STATE THING HAPPENED TO
ME THE OTHER DAY IN LIVING IN NEW YORK.
I WAS ON THE TRAIN PLATFORM. THERE WAS A STAMPEDE OF PEOPLE.
I GOT SHOVED DOWN ONTO MY HANDS AND KNEES.
A DUDE PICKED ME UP BY MY ARM PITS, AND SET ME UP AND I SAID
THANK YOU SO MUCH, HE SAID MOVE. AND GOOD!
(APPLAUSE) >> I LIKE NEW YORK, I'M AN ANGRY
GIRL. I JUST WENT THROUGH A BREAKUP?
ANYBODY DO THAT? YES.
WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT ME.
I SAID NO HOMO AFTER, I.T. WAS TOO LATE.
I'M ALL RIGHT, I'M OKAY, I PUT A SWEET POTATO OUT OF THE OFTEN,
FOR ABOUT EIGHT MINUTES, I FELL ASLEEP, WE'RE ALL RIGHT.
I'M DIFFICULT TODAY I'M HARD TODAY.
I WAS RAISED BY A PACK OF LESBIANS, NOW TO MAKE MY MOM
PISSED I LOOK LIKE DAVID FROM THE LABYRINTH.
THERE'S ONE PERSON IN THE CONVERSATION WHO IS WAIT IF YOUR
MOM'S, FIRST OF ALL, GOOD FOR YOU.
THAT'S BEING -- OKAY, SO IF YOU ARE ALIVE SO YOU DIDN'T EVER HAD
A DAD, I HAD A DAD I HE WAS PISSED HIS WIFE WAS GAY BUT HE
WAS THERE RIGHT? HE WAS BUMMED ABOUT IT WHICH WE
GET THAT MAKES SENSE EXCEPT FOR A LITTLE THING, THE WAY MY
FATHER MET MY MOTHER THIS IS TRUE, HE WAS THE COACH OF HER
RUGBY TEAM, OKAY? I WAS LIKE YOU CONTINUE DEDUCE E
THAT? SHE WAS LIKE RAMBO 2 RIGHT?
WHEN THEY SPLIT UP THEY STARTED THEIR OWN COMPETING CONSTRUCTION
BUSINESSES, RIGHT, THAT'S NORMAL FOR ME.
IN MY HOME TOWN, THE MOST ELIGIBLE BACHELOR IS MY FATHER
AND ALSO MY MOTHER, RIGHT? I DID CARPENTRY FOR MANY YEARS,
AND NOW I JUST CONFUSE MEN CONSTANTLY.
I WENT ON A HINGE DATE RECENT, I WENT IN MY PICKUP TRUCK, THAT
WAS MISTAKE NUMBER 1, MISTAKE NUMBER 2 I WAS ON A BIT OF
MUSHROOMS RIGHT? BUT I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL I LIVE
IN NEW YORK WHERE THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT ARE SCREAMING STUFF
THAT WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE. IF YOU ARE AN MUSHROOMS YOU HEAR
THEM AND YOU KIND OF AGREE WITH THEM, OKAY.
I WAS FREAKING OUT ALREADY, I WAS DOING THE BLINK TWO THREE
FOUR, BLINK TWO THREE FOUR AND THIS DUDE GETS ON THE TRAIN HE
JUST STARTS SCREAMING CHAOS RIGHT, I SCRAMBLED TO GET MY EAR
PODS OUT AND HE YELLED, SKIN ISN'T REAL, YEP I KNOW IT, I'VE
BEEN THINKING IT ALL DAY DUDE! BUT IT WAS A HINGE DATE, IT'S
LIKE DON'T TREAD ON ME, THIS IS MY CAT MALCOLM X.
HE WAS 5 FOOT 6 OR LESS. IS MY DEPTH PERCEPTION UP,
SHOULDN'T HE BE GETTING BIGGER AS HE IS APPROACHING ME?
(LAUGHTER) >> OKAY I DID SLEEP WITH THAT
MAN, I HAD SEX WITH HIM. WHAT HAPPENED, WAS WE WENT BACK
TO HIS PLACE AND WE WERE LOOKING UP AND WE WERE HAVING LIKE YOU
KNOW ABOUT SMASHY SEX? RIGHT?
IN YOUR 20s THERE IS NO SMASHY SEX.
WE WENT FROM THE COUCH TO THE BED IT'S LIKE A COMMUNITY PLAY A
LITTLE BIT. ONCE YOU HIT 30, YOU DON'T CARE
ABOUT THAT, YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT THEM.
YOU JUST WANT TO FORGET IT, RIGHT?
DO YOU EVER WATCH A BOX MATCH OR AN MMA FIGHT?
THEY'RE BEATING BEATING BEATING AND ALL OF A SUDDEN ALL AT THE
SAME TIME I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENS, THEY BOTH GET TIRED OUT
AND SILENTLY AGREE TO LEAN ON EACH OTHER FOR A MINUTE OR TWO.
WHAT IS IT, SNUGGLING OR SOMETHING?
THAT'S CUTEST THING. YOU GOT OTAKE MY WEIGHT BROTHER
YOU GOT TO HOLD ME UP, YOU ARE GOING TO GET IT IN A SECOND BUT
WE'RE GOING TO GET THERE. IN YOUR 20S YOU CARE ABOUT WHAT
YOU LOOK LIKE ON TOP, IN YOUR 30S, GET ENOUGH MOMENTUM THAT I
FORGET MY FATHER'S DYING, YOU'LL SEE, YOU'LL ALL SEE.
WHAT HAPPENS IS WE'RE GOING AT IT AND MY KNEE WENT THROUGH HIS
DRYWALL, OOPSY POOPSY, IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN.
I WAS VERY CHI CHIFL ROUSE. HE WAS LIKE WITH THE TRUCK AND
THE TOOLTS, HE'S SAYING ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT GAY?
I GOT REAL DEFENSIVE. LISTEN UP LITTLE GUY, YOU WERE
HAVING A PRETTY GOOD TIME BUMPING UGLIES, HE WAS YES.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD LOOK IN THE MIRROR.
YOU ARE THE ONE THAT'S LOOKING UP WITH THE HANDY MAN, ARE YOU
SURE YOU'RE NOT GAY? THANK YOU SO MUCH, THAT WAS SO
FUN. >> James: IT WAS SO GOOD.
JORDAN JENSEN EVERYBODY. YOU CAN SEE HER LIVE THIS
WEEKEND AT THE TACOMA COMEDY CLUB.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.