Well, I don't know how your 2023 is going,
but it has not been going well for President Joe Biden.
Just when we were ready to move on to the next scandal,
the FBI searched his house for 13 hours on Friday.
And they found even more classified documents.
At this point, the FBI is just decluttering
Biden's house for him.
[laughter]
They're like Marie Kondo going around his rooms
like, this list of spies does not spark joy.
[laughter]
[applause]
No, but, honestly, this doesn't bother me at all.
I mean, come on.
The man has been in public office for 238 years.
I bet you most of the shit he has
isn't even classified anymore.
You read his notes, and it's like, keep
an eye on this Hitler guy.
It's just history now.
They're teaching this stuff in schools.
Well, not in Florida, but you know?
By the way, some of you might not know,
but before doing standup, I worked at NSA for seven years.
Yeah, it's true.
I had a top secret clearance and everything.
Thank me for my service, damn it.
[cheering]
So I got to say, this story has me a little concerned,
you know?
I'm sitting here thinking, damn, what is in my garage?
I put that back, right?
Yeah, yeah, I put that back.
I put that back.
But in Biden's defense, at least
he is cooperating with the FBI searches, right?
[applause]
In fact, he's been so cooperative, it makes
me wonder, like, is he hoping they do
work around the house for him?
Is Biden like, you know, fellas,
I think I have some documents up in the gutters.
You might need to clear the leaves out first.
I know Jill would love that.
She'd love that.
All right, now check this story out.
This weekend, the Church of England
announced that it will now allow its clergy
to bless same-sex marriages.
But they're still not going to allow the actual wedding
to happen in the church.
But, hey, to be honest, this is also how I feel
about any destination wedding.
I ain't going to be there, but good for y'all.
[cheering]
Not going.
OK, let's move on.
Normally, I don't find funerals funny.
[laughter]
But here's a story about a funeral
that I found hilarious because this funeral had Donald Trump.
And that guy can turn anything into a joke.
Maybe you've heard of Diamond and Silk,
those two sisters who are always--
two sisters who are always showing up at his rallies,
praising him on TV, setting the Black race back 50 years.
You know those two.
Trump held meetings with them.
He'd invite them to the Oval Office.
He would point at them and say, see, Black people love me.
Well, sadly, Diamond passed away a few days ago.
Yeah, and Silk said that she wanted Trump
to speak at the funeral because the three of them
were so close.
At least Silk thought the three of them
were close until Trump started to speak.
You know, the world has lost one of its brightest stars,
real star.
But I see that we have another star who is equal to,
but she stepped up, and she is different.
I'm serious. I thought I knew them both.
I didn't.
I knew-- I knew Diamond, but I didn't know Silk at all.
I just learned about Silk.
You're fantastic.
You're going to carry on beyond anybody's wildest imagination.
[laughter]
Oh, my god.
I mean, it's like Trump showed up to that funeral
like, Diamond's dead, but I'm going to bury Silk.
[laughter]
Oh, yeah, there's room for two in that casket.
I mean, come on.
To say you know Diamond but don't know Silk
is wild because they're always together.
That's like saying, I know Bert,
but I've never heard of this Ernie fella.
What's his deal?
[applause]
I thought Sister, Sister was just called Sister.
[laughter]
Knowing Trump, he probably only has room for one Black woman
in his brain at a time.
If he turns on the TV right now, he'll be like, wow,
Diamond's hosting The Daily Show.
[laughter]
You know, a week ago, she was dead.
But thanks to me, she's risen.
And, finally, did you guys watch the football game
last night, the 49er-Cowboys?
Yeah, well, I tuned in to see if the Dallas kicker would
keep missing extra points.
And he did.
He just kept missing them.
And it was bad, y'all, because the commentators were like,
I don't even think the coach is going to put them back
out to kick again, you know?
And I just thought of his poor family watching, you know?
His kid's sitting there.
They're not going to let daddy kick anymore?
It was awful.
But then I saw something even more horrifying.
It was an ad that was just for oil and gas--
not any particular oil or gas company,
just oil and gas in general.
Check it out.
[upbeat music] 1, 2, 3, come give me a kiss.
MAN: What if we lived in a world
without oil and natural gas?
Life would be very different because oil
and gas are part of just about everything you touch.
From the stuff you wear to the stuff in your hair
and so much more.
Our world would be unrecognizable if the products
we rely on just disappeared.
Better luck next time.
Those greedy, oily bastards.
See, this proves, y'all, we're doing
something right because they're getting nervous.
Because we're buying electric cars.
We're switching to solar energy.
And they're like--
[cheering]
And they're like, but we also make footballs.
But you know what?
I will agree with them on one thing.
If there was no oil, our world would be unrecognizable.
It would look like this.
What's-- what's all that green shit on the bottom?
Is that grass?
You know, I heard about it in history class.
I don't know.
And what's with all that shit that disappeared
into dust stuff they did, huh?
They stole that right from The Avengers.
[laughter]
That's from The Avengers.
So these guys are in the boardroom
like, oh, we need to improve our image.
Hey, everyone likes Thanos, right?
They like Thanos.
So for more on just how damaging oil is to the planet,
let's go to Michael Kosta, who is at an oil spill
down on the Gulf Coast.
Michael.
[cheering]
Wow.
Good lord, Michael, it looks horrible down there.
No, no, it doesn't.
But all those birds are covered in oil.
OK, yeah, but think about how many birds there
are in the world, you know?
Probably hundreds.
And I'm willing to let these birds suffer
if that means we can keep enjoying the miracle
liquid that is oil.
What?
Did that bullshit commercial actually convince you?
All commercials convince me.
That's why I have 15 insurance policies,
all my money's in crypto, and in the 2000s,
I was always saying, wazzup!
And this commercial made some really great points.
Without oil, we would lose so many precious products,
like hair gel or the bottle the hair gel comes in
or the chemicals I use to get the hair gel out of my hair.
And that's just my hair, Wanda.
I mean, think of how much hair is in the world,
probably hundreds.
Look, look, OK.
OK, we get it.
You got oily-ass hair.
Speaking of which, what about the damage oil's
doing to our bodies?
I mean, kids are growing up with asthma now.
OK, yeah, and the asthma keeps the kids
from smoking cigarettes.
I mean, it's actually a thank you, oil.
[laughter]
What about the planet, Michael?
It's breaking down the Great Barrier Reef.
OK, I thought we were supposed to be
breaking down barriers, right?
See, who's the feminist now?
OK, I think your hair gel is leaking into your brain.
OK, OK.
Trust me, Wanda.
My fine is brain.
My fine is very brain.
But I'll tell you what.
Let's imagine your fantasy world
without oil because all the things you would love
would be gone.
Like, see these birds covered in oil?
If oil didn't exist, they'd be gone.
Why would the birds disappear if oil didn't exist?
Wouldn't the oil on the birds just disappear?
Do you know how hard it is to get oil off of a bird?
It's easier to just get rid of the birds.
And it's less bird poop to track into my Lambo.
Check that bitch out.
Candy apple red.
You bought a Lamborghini?
Oh, yeah.
OK, all right.
Now it's all making sense.
The oil companies paid you to say this shit.
No, no, no, no.
I was paid by an organization called the Coalition of Super
Ethical Energy Providers.
Right.
And who pays them?
Wanda, who pays anyone, you know?
I don't make decisions because someone pays me.
I make decisions by taking a long, hard look in the mirror
and asking myself, wazzup?
And wazzup, Wanda, is that oil is the bedrock of our society.
And the great thing about bedrock
is you can drill into it to get more of that sweet, sweet oil.
All right, Mike.
I can play this game too.
If you're getting rid of birds, I'm getting
rid of your Lamborghini.
What?
No, come on!
Not my ghini.
That bitch was candy apple red.
Come on, Wanda.
Serves you right.
Michael Kosta, everyone.
[cheering]