Welcome back to The Whirlpool, where fibs and fabrications are pulled under and drowned.
I’m Michael Whirly.
It’s the last Whirlpool of the month, and you know what that means.
My sack has grown distended and relief will only come after I’ve emptied it out on camera!
Time to answer some of your viewer mail.
This first question comes from John T. Wolf, who asks “What does BFD stand for anyway?
‘Best F***ing Doctor’?”
First of all, John, let’s watch that potty mouth.
I had to censor your question in order to read it on the show.
Language like that is unbecoming of a namesake of the Beloved Disciple.
To answer your question, the post-nominal initials “BFD” refer to my degree, just
as the initials “PhD” indicate that a person is a doctor.
I write my name with the initials “BFD” because I am the proud holder of the title
Bachelor of Fine Divinities, which I earned after completing a four year course of study
at the University of St. Veritas, the official institution of higher learning of the One
True Church.
You may also be interested to know that I didn’t actually settle on the fine divinities
program until my sophomore year.
Initially I intended to pursue a Bachelor of Divine Sciences and Mathematics degree.
But somehow, those post-nominal initials just didn’t feel right.
Next, from Marge Wickenhammer from right here in Wilkes-Barre: “Was that you in the commercials
for Paschalis that aired during the January 25 and February 8 episodes of The Whirlpool?
Were you just appearing in the ad or do you actually work there?
If you work there, what are your hours so I can plan my trip to the book store accordingly?”
Well, Marge, I suppose you think you’re clever for spilling the beans about my other
job.
I was employed by Paschalis at the time that advertisement was being filmed.
As to whether I was engaged specifically to appear in that ad or I was a proper employee
of the store, I cannot say.
Nor will I comment on my current status relative to Paschalis, including my work schedule,
if I have one, which I’m not saying I do.
That is a private matter between myself and the management of Paschalis – if I do in
fact work there, which I am neither confirming or denying.
Join us this Sunday at the Church of St. Veritas for a very special mass said by the leader
of the One True Church, Archbishop of Wilkes-Barre Angelicus II.
A limited number of private audiences and indulgences will be available immediately
following the service, so register now!
Don’t miss this rare opportunity to stand in the presence of the true vicar of Christ.
I hope we can move on to more important topics than whether or not I am a barista at the
coffee shop of a Christian book store.
Now that I’ve directly addressed this matter, there’s no reason to talk about it any further.
Instead of dwelling in the past, let’s move forward – to the next question!
This one is from Claudia Whirly of Wilkes-Barre.
“How dare you tell stories about what took place in the privacy of our own home that
never happened?
I am incensed that you would publicly share tales of things that occurred inside the walls
of our house that never occurred.
I demand an immediate apology and retraction for this appalling breach of privacy and attack
on my character and reputation that never should have been spoken of again that you
fictitiously made up.”
You have no longer have power over me, Mother, which means you do not get to decide what
stories I tell on my show.
I decide.
The story I told about discovering you pleasuring yourself in the laundry room is true, so if
you have a problem with that, take it up with yourself.
Perhaps you should pray to St. John Titor, Patron Saint of Time Travel, to send you back
to the past so you can stop yourself from engaging in a sinful act of autoeroticism.
Just in case that prayer is not answered, remember what is written in Numbers 32:23:
“know ye, that your sin shall overtake you.”
In other words, if you didn’t want to be humiliated on your son’s YouTube show, you
shouldn’t have masturbated twenty-five years ago.
Don’t test me, Mother!
You may have buried my father, but I swear before Our Heavenly Father that I will bury
you!
For The Whirlpool, I’m Michael Whirly.