[audience cheers] IT'S THE BEST.
THIS IS MY SCENE, QUITE HONESTLY.
LIKE, I GOT DRAGGED TO A CLUB A FEW NIGHTS AGO.
I'M JUST NOT A BIG CLUB GUY IN GENERAL.
I'M NEVER PREPARED, THAT'S MY PROBLEM.
I NEVER HAVE ENOUGH MONEY, RIGHT?
I NEVER HAVE ENOUGH DRAGONS ON MY SHIRT, AND--
[laughs] RIGHT?
SOME PEOPLE GET DRUNK AND GET TATTOOS.
I DON'T JUDGE, 'CAUSE I WANT A TATTOO.
I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT I'D GET, THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
YOU GOTTA HAVE A GAME PLAN.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S GONNA BE WITH YOU FOREVER.
I'D PROBABLY GET SOMETHING NOBODY HAS, ORIGINAL.
I'D WANT TO MAKE SURE I DO THAT. YOU KNOW, MAYBE LIKE THE--
LIKE, THE CAST OF
THAT'S--PRETTY SURE NOBODY'S GOT PATRICK EWING'S BEST WORK.
GIRLS KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING WITH TATTOOS, RIGHT?
THERE'S NOT ONE GIRL WITH A TATTOO
THAT DOESN'T COME WITH SOME DEEP, YOU KNOW,
SPECIAL MESSAGE BEHIND IT. YOU KNOW,
I HAVE A TATTOO OF TWO HUMMINGBIRDS
SPOONING INSIDE OF A FLOWER
WITH A BUNCH OF JAPANESE LETTERING ABOVE IT,
AND IT MEANS "AFTER YOU WEATHER THE STORM,
THE SPIRIT OF THE HEART STAYS TRUE."
SO IT'S SOMETHING THAT MY--
SOMETHING MY MOM TOLD ME WHEN I WAS YOUNGER,
AND I STILL BELIEVE IN IT.
I STILL BELIEVE IN IT. I DON'T KNOW.
GUYS GET TATTOOS
FOR A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT REASON, RIGHT?
'CAUSE IT'S DOPE.
GOT IT 'CAUSE IT'S DOPE, BRO. RIGHT?
"'CAUSE IT'S DOPE" IS WHY YOU SEE TATTOOS OF, LIKE,
LADY LIBERTY HOLDING AN AK-47.
YOU KNOW, OR A TATTOO OF, LIKE, BIGFOOT GOING DOWN ON A MERMAID.
RIGHT? THERE'S NO BACK STORY.
THERE'S NO BACK STORY WITH THAT.
IT WOULD BE GREAT IF THERE WAS, LIKE, SOME DEEP STORY, RIGHT?
YOU'RE JUST LIKE, "DUDE, THAT'S HILARIOUS.
HOW DRUNK WERE YOU?" "NO, ACTUALLY,
"NO, DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY I GOT IT?
"WELL, WHEN I WAS SIX, I WENT CAMPING WITH MY DAD,
"AND WE SAW BIGFOOT, AND HE WAS GOING DOWN ON A MERMAID,
"AND--AND MY DAD PASSED AWAY TWO YEARS LATER.
"I JUST GOT IT TO REMIND ME. I MEAN, IT'S STUPID.
IT'S--I DON'T KNOW. IT'S--IT'S STUPID."
LOVE TO SMOKE POT. LIKE, THAT'S--
[audience cheers]
OH, YOU GUYS LIKE POT?
[audience cheers]
WHAT WAS THAT, BUDDY?
- A LOT OF IT!
- A LOT OF IT? YEAH.
ARE YOU THE DEALER IN THE CROWD TONIGHT?
OR ARE YOU JUST LOOKING FOR SOME?
NO, DON'T UNBUTTON YOUR JACKET, MOTHERFUCKER,
TAKE IT EASY, YEAH.
NOBODY ASKED YOU TO UNDRESS YOURSELF
AFTER THAT COMMENT.
"YEAH, A LOT OF POT. MIND IF I TAKE MY PANTS OFF?"
YEAH, I DO, ACTUALLY.
WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO WHEN YOU SMOKE POT, BUDDY?
- LISTEN TO RECORDS.
- "LISTEN TO RECORDS," YEAH, THAT'S A PRETTY STANDARD ANSWER.
YEAH, IF WE WERE PLAYING STONER FAMILY FEUD,
THAT'D PROBABLY BE THE NUMBER ONE ANSWER, RIGHT?
"LISTEN TO MUSIC, MAN."
I ASKED A GUY AT A SHOW ONCE, "WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO
WHEN YOU SMOKE POT?" HE GOES, "COCAINE."
I WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, WELL, THAT'S A DIFFERENT RESPONSE.
IT IS A GATEWAY DRUG, SO I'LL GIVE YOU THAT."
EVERYBODY SMOKES WEED. I JUST FOUND OUT
MY 15-YEAR-OLD COUSIN SMOKES POT.
WHAT THE HELL, MAN?
KID WANTS TO BE AN ADULT BEFORE HE EVEN GROWS UP.
I TRIED TO CURB THE HABIT, RIGHT?
SO I TELL HIM THAT I SMOKE A LITTLE TOO,
TO TRY TO ENCOURAGE IT TO-- NOT BECOMING A PROBLEM.
NEVER SEEN A KID GET MORE EXCITED
ABOUT ANYTHING IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE.
JUST LIKE, "DUDE, ADAM, YOU SMOKE POT?
"[laughs]
DUDE, HOW HAVE WE NOT SMOKED TOGETHER YET?"
I WAS LIKE, "'HOW HAVE WE NOT SMOKED TOGETHER YET?'
"DUDE, FIVE YEARS AGO, YOU WERE TEN.
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU JUST STARTED USING DEODORANT, MAN, TAKE IT EASY."
I GET TO TRAVEL A LOT TO DO THIS, WHICH IS GREAT,
BUT IT'S TOUGH TO EAT ON THE ROAD.
YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST A LOT OF FAST FOOD,
SO I TRY TO ALWAYS HIT A GROCERY STORE,
BUY MY OWN STUFF.
I WAS IN NORTH CAROLINA, TRYING TO FIND A GROCERY STORE,
SO I JUST ASKED A DUDE ON THE STREET,
"HEY, MAN, WHERE'S, LIKE,
YOUR MAIN GROCERY STORE AROUND HERE?"
AND THE GUY'S LIKE, "WELL, WE'VE TWO MAIN SUPERMARKETS.
"THERE'S ONE CALLED HARRIS TEETERS,
AND ANOTHER ONE CALLED FOOD LION, SO."
"OH, I'M SORRY, DID YOU SAY 'FOOD LINE' OR 'FOOD LION'"?
AND HE GOES, "OH, GOD, I'M SORRY, MY BAD.
FOOD LION, YOU KNOW, LIKE RAWR!"
[imitates cat hissing]
YOU KNOW.
I WAS LIKE, WHAT THE HELL? THIS GUY THINKS LIONS GO "RAWR."
[imitates cat hissing]
SCREW THE GROCERY STORE, TAKE ME TO THAT ZOO.
WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON OVER THERE?
AND THEN I WAS LIKE, THAT'D BE AMAZING
TO HEAR THIS DUDE BE THE VOICE OF, LIKE,
THOSE CHILDREN'S ANIMAL SOUND TOYS.
YOU KNOW, WHERE YOU PULL THE STRING,
AND IT'S LIKE, "A BEAR GOES--"
"OH, GOD, I COULD REALLY GO FOR SOME HONEY RIGHT NOW.
"OH, MY GOD, HOW GOOD DOES THAT SOUND?
JUST HONEY EVERYWHERE, IT'D BE AMAZING!"
YOU GUYS, THAT'S ALL TO ME. MY NAME'S ADAM RAY.