- As most of you know, my daughters were the inspiration
behind my first book, "Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man,"
and since then I continue to hear
from women struggling to navigate in this dating world,
so that's why yesterday I introduced to you
a new series called "What I Taught My Daughters."
I brought together women from various backgrounds
and age groups to have a raw and unfiltered conversation
about their dating dilemmas,
and today we're back with a new group of women
ready to share their stories about how their relationship
with their fathers have impacted their dating life.
So let's just jump right into it.
I wanna start with a conversation with Stormy,
where is Stormy?
Okay, Stormy is a 24 year old
who has already gone through a divorce.
So, Stormy, what's going on in your dating life?
- So, Steve, when I was 19 I got with a man
that was 13 years older than me
and he wasn't the best choice, I mean, he was a hood booger,
(chuckles) he used to deal drugs
and type of stuff like that,
so that wasn't the best choice for me to start with,
and after five years, that didn't work out,
and I'm actually going through a divorce,
so I'm still legally married
but I have a new man, same age range,
and basically, growing up, my mother,
just raised me by herself, and my father, he wasn't around,
so I never saw, like, a healthy relationship,
I never saw how two people were supposed to be together.
So my choice in picking men hasn't been the best,
and also my mother always chased men for happiness
and she was never happy
'cause she just got with the first dude
that called her pretty, or whoever could fill that space.
I'm trying not to repeat this,
and I'm trying not to chase after men because I literally,
I'm still legally married,
and I'm already in a relationship,
and I'm hoping it works and everything like that,
but I just don't wanna kinda go through the same cycle.
- Okay, you know, since we're gonna be talking so much
about fathers, let me say this before I start,
because I'm not clinically trained.
Even though I haven't done it myself personally,
I do recommend that sometimes you talk to someone
who can help you, if you have
what you think are daddy issues,
'cause some of the stuff can be dealt with
if you just get it out
and get a clearer understanding, maybe some clinical help.
All I can give you is common sense, experience advice.
So let me say this now that I've cleared that up,
you may have some daddy issues
but some of this stuff you can prevent yourself.
Number one, the divorce ain't even,
ain't no paperwork signed,
you've already entered into another relationship
with the same age difference.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- And Stormy,
what you've done is you haven't given yourself a chance
to be you.
I tell women all the time,
"Sometimes the breakup is the blessing."
Sometimes, man, it's just what you needed.
(audience claps)
You know.
I got you put five years into it, but guess what?
Maybe, could it possibly be,
let's let Stormy discover what Stormy likes to do.
When you wake up, what would you like to do?
Where would you like to go?
Who would you pick as your friends?
See, when you get married at a young age,
you gotta do everything together
and you gotta take into consideration
what somebody else wants,
this would be a really really good time for you
to just discover who you are.
What do you want for breakfast.
(audience claps)
- Okay. - You know?
- Yeah.
- If there was no relationship,
who is Stormy, what would Stormy be like
if Stormy didn't have to perform for a man?
Who is Stormy?
- I don't know.
- That's right.
You should take this time to just figure out who you are
because you don't have to be in a relationship to be okay,
and so far you haven't been in a good one.
You've heard old people say this,
"I can do bad all by myself"?
- Yes.
- [Audience] Yes.
(audience claps) (Steve and Stormy laugh)
- That's a very true statement.
(audience claps)
Look, you're a beautiful young girl,
just stop trying to be somebody's woman.
- And we live together.
- Who lives together?
- I, with my boyfriend, my new boyfriend.
(audience laughs)
'Cause I'm engaged. (laughs) - Hell, you-
- So. (laughs)
- [Audience] Oh!
- Huh?
(Stormy clears her throat)
- Okay, Stormy.
- I'm not, it's not- - What, it's.
- Stormy. - Yeah.
- Are you really happy right now?
- Yes, I haven't been happy for five years.
- Okay, what's the dilemma?
- I have a problem with that
because I know I'm doing something wrong,
I am chasing after somebody,
and I am chasing this relationship to make me happy.
- Exactly. - Yeah.
- Because you never took time to be happy yourself.
- Yeah.
- You know, the person that finds real peace and joy
is the person that can sit somewhere by himself
and be all right with that.
- Yeah.
(audience claps)
- And just be all right with that, man.
- [Stormy] Mm-hmm.
(audience claps) (Stormy laughs)
- You gotta give yourself a chance.
- Yeah.
- Why don't you just try this?
You can say, "You know what?
I kinda jumped into this a little bit too quick.
Let me get my own place 'cause I really got to settle,
and I think it's only right that I wait
until I'm completely divorced.
Let me get my bearings and go discover you,"
'cause there's a big difference between fun and joy.
- Yeah. - Fun, you got to go
participate in an activity to have fun, joy resides within.
- [Audience] Yes. - Okay.
(audience claps) Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
- That would really help you.
- That's true. - Because, you know what?
If you are sitting here saying
you're chasing after something-
- Yeah. - And you done
got into something,
it's 'cause you realize you're chasing it.
- Yeah. - Just stop chasing,
Stormy, you fine.
(audience clapping and cheering)
Let me ask you a question.
By show of hands, how many of you can relate
to what Stormy is saying though?
Wow, really?
- (chuckles) And me. - Really?
- Yeah. - Definitely.
- Definitely. - Yeah.
- So, Stormy, you ain't by yourself,
you got a sisterhood here.
(audience claps) (audience cheering)
And the conversation is just getting started, everybody.
We'll be right back.
(funky music starts) - Whoo!
(upbeat music) (audience claps)
- All right, everybody, Uncle Steve is back
with some unfiltered fatherly love
for my new set of daughters up here.
I wanna add Chelsea to the conversation.
Chelsea, what's your biggest challenges with dating?
- So, for years I have dated all types of different guys
I've dated good guys, bad guys, career-driven guys,
and it all seems to have the same ending result.
I am a single mother, I have a six-year-old son.
My son's father and I, we've tried, but he just doesn't,
it didn't work out because he just hasn't given me
the respect that I deserve in the relationship.
I just feel like my relationships overall are impacted
because of the fact that me and my father
don't have a relationship,
because me and my father, our relationship,
at this point, is nonexistent,
it is having an impact on my dating life.
And the guys that I'm attracting are just,
it's all ending in the same thing,
they're liars, they're cheaters, they are disrespectful.
I don't know what to do moving forward,
as to getting back out there and, you know.
- Look, I'm not trying to simplify anything
that anybody is saying,
but you have to understand how the mind works.
You can't stop stuff
from happening to you. - Absolutely.
- But you have, life is 10% what happens to you,
it's 90% what you do about it.
You can't prevent things from happening to you
but you can sure determine what you do
about each and every one of those things,
you cannot put the energy out there,
of everything your father did to you.
Do you understand that when you emit that signal,
do you know that that's what bounces back to the tower?
- Yes.
- It's how cell phone works, it's how remote control works,
it's how your mind works.
God said a man is as he thinketh,
nothing more, nothing less.
So now, guess what?
If you live your life with the expectations
that your father did this to you,
your father did that to you,
your father never offered you this view,
your father was not there for you, guess what you're doing?
You're emitting that signal,
the only thing can come back is the same thing you put out.
I have, cannot stress enough the importance of your mind.
(audience claps) - Yes.
- But listen to me, that energy,
that energy is the attracted.
If a woman says all men are dogs,
dog gonna, here they come here.
Here they come, you finna meet all of them.
(audience laughs)
"I keep meeting cheaters, liars, non-committers."
You trying to have a relationship with your father
that he couldn't have with your mother,
and now you end up emitting that signal,
and that's what comes back.
That's the first thing I wanna get across to you.
Listen to me, I wrote something down that you (indistinct).
You've dated all kinds of men,
what can you expect to come from that?
You should only date a type of man,
you should only date the type of man
that will give you and be what you want them to be.
You are looking for something.
Can I teach you this right here?
Stop looking for a man for what he'll give to you,
and look for a man
for what he will sacrifice for you.
- Right. - That's a huge difference.
(audience claps)
That's the difference.
(audience claps)
Chelsea, go ahead.
How you feel?
Go ahead. - I do still have,
I just, I guess I feel like
in order for me to start somewhere,
I have to start repairing the relationship
with my father. - But let me
ask you something.
Let me ask you a question.
When God put your mother and father together,
he put them two people together to produce you.
You may have been a mistake to your mother and father,
they may not have even intended for you to be here,
but God did.
See, God don't make mistakes.
The whole purpose for your mother and father
was to produce you.
(audience claps) God wanted you.
And I'm sorry to tell you, but there are millions of people
who don't have a relationship
with one or both of their parents,
and they turn out to be a-okay.
(audience claps) - Whoo!
- They turn out to be a-okay.
(audience claps)
Let me give you the best example I like to use.
When Barack Obama's mother met his father,
this man of African descent and this white woman,
and they met together, and they joined together,
and they had this baby named Barack Hussein Obama,
I bet you didn't, not one of them know
what God had in store, because God needed him,
he wanted him in this world
'cause he was gonna turn him
into the first Black man
to ever be in charge of this country right here.
(audience claps) (audience cheers)
That was his purpose.
(audience clapping and cheering)
Now look, the fact that Barack ain't got no relationship
with his daddy, that didn't stop this show.
- [Audience Member] Yes.
- Do not let your father stop your show.
(audience claps)
He, your father, is not the architect of your story.
- Yes. - Your father
is not the author of none of your chapters.
So suppose your father never come around.
Your Heavenly Father is always there.
(audience claps) (audience cheers)
We gotta get real, keep this conversation going,
we'll be right back.
(audience claps) (audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
All right, everybody,
we're back with a diverse group of women,
and we're having an open and honest conversation
about dating and relationships.
I wanna add Mary to the conversation.
So where is Mary?
- Hi, Steve.
So I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend
for 12 years.
When we first started dating,
I had a son from a previous relationship,
and he was all for it, I mean,
everything was nice in the beginning,
after maybe about a year,
I started seeing some red flags here and there.
When I was about to make that decision
to move out of that relationship,
I found out I was pregnant, so I stayed. (laughs)
We now have three kids together,
I haven't left because I don't want my kids
to have that void that I had
of not having my father in the picture growing up.
I'm stuck, I feel stuck.
- Yeah.
- I mean, I'm not a bad person.
I mean, I work full time,
I'm going to school to be a better person
to provide for my kids.
I'm just, I'm not, instead of him building me up,
he's bringing me down.
I mean, I've invested 12 years into this relationship,
honestly, my heart doesn't wanna let go
but my head is telling me, "Yo, snap out of it."
You know?
Like, "Snap out of it."
- Who in here ain't picked the wrong one one time?
- One time. - Now, when you pick
the wrong one one time and it lasts for 12 years,
it's time to unpick him.
- [Audience] Yes.
- Now, listen to me, let me help you with a couple things.
First of all, you said you don't want your kids
to go through what you went through and have a broken home.
Kids would rather be from a broken home
than to live in a broken home.
(audience claps)
Your kids know you're unhappy,
they would rather be in a house
where this guy wasn't in it
and seeing they mama smile again.
- [Audience] Yes.
- They'll be fine.
Ladies, take the blame off yourself.
Men are really, really good at that.
Making you think something wrong with you.
- [Audience] Yeah. (laughs)
- Oh, real men don't really operate like that,
but you got so many men out here from these broken homes,
you got so many men out here
that ain't had a father figure
that didn't tell 'em what real men really do,
that real men buckle down,
that real men meet a woman and put her on a pedestal
and treat her like a queen.
Real men get taught this.
(audience claps) - Word, that's right.
- When you don't have a man that's been taught that,
you're dealing with a man
that don't have all the qualities of manhood.
The other reason you don't wanna get out
is 'cause you got 12 years in.
- Yeah.
- But let me ask you something.
On a scale of 1 to 10,
how have those 12 years been?
- Five.
- Man, five.
That's really, that's 50%, - That's an F.
- Is a F at all schools.
(audience claps) (audience laughs)
50% is a F.
If you've been in a relationship for 12 bad years,
do you wanna do 12 more?
- Hell no, (laughs) hell no. - The answer,
you can't do 12 more of these.
Stop collecting red flags. - Yep.
- What y'all saving them for?
(audience claps)
Once you get so many red flags,
y'all ought to sew 'em all together,
tie 'em around your neck and fly your ass out of there.
(audience laughs)
(audience claps) Seriously, ma'am.
(audience claps)
Now, Mary, let me say this to you.
I bet, if they took a vote,
you probably be mother of the year, I bet you would.
I bet you got friends in your life
that think you're the best friend in the world.
Your employer probably loves
to see you walk through that door.
Am I right about them things?
I know I am.
- That's true. - Absolutely.
(audience claps)
- Your kids are the big thing for you, and I was that kid.
My mom had six, and she stayed,
but I promise you Steve's 100% right.
We would rather come home and let you two be separate,
and watch my mother be happy,
because I would've killed for her to just leave,
'cause you could see it, you could see it,
I don't care how much you guys try to hide it, we know.
- [Steve] Yeah.
- [Audience] Yeah.
- [Participant] And we always will.
- They do. - We do.
- Quit trippin'. (audience claps)
First of all, we don't want 12 more years of that.
So the way to not have 12 more years of that
is to get out this year.
- [Audience] Yes.
- Take your kids and go.
Let me ask you something.
Do you have some friends that would help you?
I bet you got one of your girlfriends
that been told you to leave 100 times.
- She's backstage. - She backstage?
- She sure is.
- Isn't it great (indistinct)? (laughs)
(audience claps)
- Go get her, go bring her up here.
(audience claps)
(audience cheers)
Just come over here, sit next to you girl right there.
Keep giving her some support.
What's your name?
- Jessica. - Jessica?
- Yes.
- I told her, I said, "I bet you got a friend
that done probably told you 50 times
to leave him."
- Oh, yeah. - That's you?
Huh? - Oh yeah.
- You've told her that?
- You're downplaying it, it's been a lot more than-
- Oh, about 150?
- Mm. (audience laughs)
- 300 times?
You tell her every day for 12 years?
(audience claps) (audience laughs)
But that's it, you got support, you gonna be fine.
You got a lot of women on this stage
that done been
in that same predicament. (audience claps)
Hey, listen.
In closing, ladies, let me tell you this here.
I want you all to understand something,
that you all were created, not by your father,
your creation came from your Heavenly Father.
- [Audience members] Amen.
- He has cared about you from day one.
Everything you thought you wasn't gonna get through,
your Heavenly Father then got you through it anyway.
- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.
(audience claps) - As a matter of fact,
(audience claps)
your track record for surviving bad days,
endurable moments, things that would normally break you,
your track record for surviving all them days,
everybody in here is 100%.
That's a pretty good record, man.
(audience claps)
You done got past all of them,
you gonna get past all of the rest of them to come.
(audience claps and cheers)
I wanna thank all of you for sharing your stories with us.
Beautiful ladies right here.
Stick around, folks, we'll be right back.
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