WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
FIRST OF ALL,--
HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYBODY
AMERICA, JUST ABOVE EVERY OTHER NIGHT IN AMERICA.
( LAUGHTER )
WELCOME TO LATE NIGHT. DON'T FALL ASLEEP, NO MATTER
WHAT YOUR PARENTS SAY, BECAUSE THE MINUTE YOU GO TO BED,
THEY'RE STEALING ALL YOUR BEST CANNED.
I'M TALKING KIT KAT. KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? GIVE ME A BREAK.
( APPLAUSE )
I'M DRESSED UP AS MY DOG BENNY.
IT'S A VERY SPECIAL HALLOWEEN BECAUSE THE POWERBALL JACKPOT
HAS REACHED $1 BILLION.
BEEN THIS HIGH IN POWERBALL'S HISTORY.
BEFORE POWERBALL, OF COURSE, THE MOST POPULAR LOTTO GAME WAS JUST
BALL. THE WINNER WOULD GET A BALL.
THE LOSER WOULD GET TYPHUS. ALSO THE WINNER.
THE POWERBALL DRAWING OCCURRED AT 11:00 P.M. TONIGHT, WHICH IS
AFTER WE TAPE THIS SHOW. BUT I CAN ALREADY ANNOUNCE THE
WINNING NUMBERS: THEY ARE 4, 9, 20, 22, 69, WITH
A POWERBALL OF 20.
YOU CAN TAKE IT TO THE BANK! HOW DO I KNOW?
BECAUSE THOSE ARE THE ONES ON MY TICKET.
SO THAT'S WHAT WON, REGARDLESS OF THE LIES YOU HEAR IN THE
MAINSTREAM MEDIA.
IF I WIN-- IF I AM CORRECT, I WILL SPLIT THIS WITH EVERYONE IN
THIS ROOM. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
OKAY? THAT'S RIGHT.
OKAY? LIKE 95-5.
OF COURSE, I HOPE EVERYONE WINS. WE ALL NEED SOMETHING TO CHEER
US UP, AFTER THAT MANIAC BROKE INTO NANCY PELOSI'S HOUSE AND
HIT HER HUSBAND IN THE HEAD WITH A HAMMER.
NOW, PAUL PELOSI IS STILL IN THE HOSPITAL.
THANKFULLY, HE IS EXPECTED TO MAKE A FULL RECOVERY.
THE ATTACKER--
( APPLAUSE )
ATTEMPTED KIDNAPPING, IS NAMED DAVID WAYNE DEPAPE.
WE'VE GOT TO STOP GIVING PEOPLE THE MIDDLE NAME "WAYNE."
IT NEVER ENDS WELL. DAVID "WAYNE" DEPAPE.
JOHN "WAYNE" GACY. OSAMA "WAYNE" LADEN.
( LAUGHTER )
MENTALLY ILL AND HAS ALSO MADE RACIST POSTS ONLINE, INCLUDING
SOME THAT QUESTIONED THE RESULTS OF THE 2020 ELECTION, DEFENDED
THE FORMER PRESIDENT, AND ECHOED QANON CONSPIRACY THEORIES.
SO EITHER HE'S GOING TO BE INSTITUTIONALIZED, OR THE G.O.P.
NOMINEE IN 2024.
( APPLAUSE )
HERE'S SOMETHING I DIDN'T SEE COMING: DEPAPE IS FROM BRITISH
COLUMBIA. HE'S CANADIAN.
THAT'S HOW TOXIC OUR POLITICS ARE-- CANADA GOT A CONTACT
CRAZY.
TO "DUDLEY DID-WHAT?!" THE DISCOURSE IN AMERICA IS
ABOUT TO GET WAY WORSE THANKS TO NEW TWITTER C.E.O. ELON MUSK
( BOOING ) SEEN HERE WATCHING STREET
URCHINS SCRAMBLE FOR HIS DISCARDED CHICKEN BONE.
MUSK TOOK OVER TWITTER ON FRIDAY AND, IMMEDIATELY, THERE WAS AN
EXPLOSION OF HATE SPEECH, INCLUDING USE OF THE N-WORD ON
THE PLATFORM, WHICH JUMPED 500%, LEADING TWITTER TO CHANGE THE
LANDING PAGE FROM WHAT'S HAPPENING?
TO >> "WHAT'S HAPPENING?!?!?!?!"
>> Stephen: THE COMPANY BLAMED IT ON TROLLS, BUT OF ALL THE
TROLLS ON TWITTER, NONE ARE TROLLIER THAN THE TROLL WHO JUST
BOUGHT IT, BECAUSE YESTERDAY, MUSK REPLIED
TO A TWEET FROM HILLARY CLINTON ABOUT THE ATTACK ON PAUL PELOSI
THAT CONDEMNED THE VIOLENCE AND CONSPIRACY THEORIES WITH A LINK
TO A HOMOPHOBIC CONSPIRACY THEORY BLAMING THE VICTIM OF THE
VIOLENCE. THAT'S NOT JUST AWFUL.
THAT IS BEYOND THE PALE-- AND SO IS ELON MUSK.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
BOY, THAT MAKES ME MAD. I JUST WANT TO-- WHAT DO I WANT
TO DO, SPEAKER PELOSI? >> I'M GOING TO PUNCH HIM OUT.
I'M GOING TO GO TO JAIL, AND I'M GOING TO BE HAPPY."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IS THIS TRUE? I AM BEING TOLD THERE IS NEWS OF
MUSK BREAKING TWITTER, BECAUSE WE FOUND OUT TODAY THAT ELON
MUSK HAS DISSOLVED THE COMPANY'S BOARD AND CROWNED HIMSELF SOLE
DIRECTOR. THAT SOUNDS POWER-MAD.
BUT DON'T WORRY. BEFORE HE GOT THAT TITLE, HE RAN
IT BY THE C.F.O., ELON MUSK; THE HEAD OF H.R., ELON MUSK; AND THE
PERSONAL ASSISTANT TO ELON MUSK, ELON MUSK.
( LAUGHTER )
IT'S DONE.
LET THAT BE A LESSON TO YOU, KIDS: IF YOU WORK HARD, AND
BECOME WEALTHY AND POWERFUL ENOUGH, ONE DAY, YOU, TOO, CAN
PAY $44 BILLION TO SIT IN A ROOM BY YOURSELF.
( LAUGHTER )
THE MIDTERMS ARE A WEEK FROM TOMORROW.
THE RACE IS TIGHTENING, SO THE DEMOCRATS HAVE UNLEASHED THEIR
SECRET WEAPON: BARACK OBAMA.
I KNOW. I KNOW.
CONSTITUTION. HE SPENT THE WEEKEND DOING
RALLIES FOR HIS PARTY, AND SOME LADIES IN MICHIGAN WERE INTO IT.
>> NOW, I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT SOMETIMES GOING OUT ON THE
CAMPAIGN TRAIL FEELS A LITTLE HARDER THAN IT USED TO, NOT JUST
BECAUSE I'M OLDER AND GRAYER.
OKAY.
YOU SAID THAT.
( LAUGHTER )
45th PRESIDENT WILL NEVER HAVE: A CROWD SHOUTING HOW HOT HE IS
AND A WIFE WHO AGREES.
WHERE HE WENT AFTER REPUBLICAN SENATE CANDIDATE HERSCHEL
WALKER, SEEN HERE IN A STADIUM FILLED WITH HIS SECRET CHILDREN.
( LAUGHTER )
WALKER. >> IN COLLEGE, HE WAS AMAZING.
ONE OF THE BEST RUNNING BACKS OF ALL TIME.
BUT HERE IS THE QUESTION: DOES THAT MAKE HIM THE BEST PERSON TO
REPRESENT YOU IN THE U.S. SENATE?
AND BY THE WAY, THE OPPOSITE IS TRUE, TOO.
LIKE, YOU MAY HAVE LIKED ME AS PRESIDENT, BUT YOU WOULD NOT
WANT ME STARTING AS TAILBACK FOR THE DOGS.
( LAUGHTER )
POSITION, ESPECIALLY QUARTERBACK:
"UHHH, LOOK, UHHHH, BLUE, FLUE, UUHHHH 42...
O.. MA...HA...
HOLD ON. HOLD ON.
HOHOLD ON. HUT."
THERE YOU GO. THERE YOU GO.
( APPLAUSE )
YOU'RE FROM BRAZIL. BIG NEWS OUT OF YOUR HOME
COUNTRY RIGHT THERE. IT'S IN THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE
BETWEEN FAR-RIGHT INCUMBENT AND GUY WHO WON'T STOP COMPLEMENTING
YOUR OPEN-TOED SANDALS, JAIR BOLSONARO AND LEFTIST FORMER
PRESIDENT AND COWBOY DESCRIBING HIS MISSING HAT, LUIZ INACIO
LULA DA SILVA. THIS WAS A HIGH-STAKES ELECTION,
BECAUSE BOLSONARO IS KNOWN FOR EMBRACING FASCISM, INTENTIONALLY
LETTING THE CORONAVIRUS KILL HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS, AND
OVERSEEING A SURGE IN DEFORESTATION IN THE AMAZON.
AND AS ANY BRAZILIAN WILL TELL YOU, DEFORESTATION SHOULD HAPPEN
ONLY ALONG THE BIKINI LINE. WELL, THE RESULTS ARE FINALLY
IN, AND BY A RAZOR-THIN MARGIN, BRAZIL HAS ELECTED LULA!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> THAT IS A GREAT THING. >> Stephen: THAT IS A GREAT
THING? >> YES.
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO, THERE YOU GO.
WHEN THE RESULTS WERE ANNOUNCED, THOUSANDS OF BRAZILIANS ACROSS
THE COUNTRY WERE ECSTATIC AND CAME OUT TO CELEBRATE.
THINGS GOT SO WILD, EVEN CHRIST THE REDEEMER GOT INTO IT.
THIS IS A HUGE-- I GOT A LITTLE SOMETHING.
THIS IS A HUGE COMEBACK FOR LULA.
IN THE YEARS SINCE HIS LAST TERM ENDED, HE WAS IMPRISONED AFTER A
SENTENCE FOR CORRUPTION, BEFORE BRAZIL'S SUPREME COURT ANNULLED
HIS CONVICTIONS. HOLY ROLLERCOASTER.
THIS GUY'S GETTING ONE HELL OF A SEQUEL.
YOU CAN WATCH IT ALL IN THE MOVIE "LULA PART TWO-LA
ELECTRIC BOOGA-LULA."
THERE YOU GO. DESPITE THE RESULT, BRAZILIANS
ARE ON EDGE. LULA'S WIN CAME AT THE END OF
A VERY MESSY ELECTION WHERE MISINFORMATION SOARED.
AT TIMES, LULA'S SUPPORTERS ACCUSED BOLSONARO OF BEING A
CANNIBAL AND A PEDOPHILE, AND BOLSONARO'S SUPPORTERS CALLED
LULA A SATANIST, A GANG LEADER, AND A COMMUNIST.
COMMUNIST GANG LEADERS ARE THE WORST.
( AS MOB BOSS )
BE A SHAME IF THE WORKERS CONTROLLED THE MEANS OF
PRODUCTION, KNOW-WHAT-IM-SAYIN?" OKAY?
I HATE TO SEE SOMEBODY FORWARD THE DIALECTIC.
WE ALL KNOW WHAT COMES NEXT. A BUNCH OF INSANE ELECTION
CONSPIRACIES FROM THE HEAD OF BRAZIL'S BIGGEST LINEN COMPANY,
MY PILLAO WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT! MY GUESTS ARE JENNIFER HUDSON
AND ZOSIA MAMET. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, ROBOTS!
STICK AROUND.