-Hello, everyone, and welcome back.
This is our second to last show in the captain's quarters,
and we're starting to worry we're just not gonna get to
everything we wanted to get to.
For example, I wanted to do a whole new book bit
where I would take a book and replace the "bird"
in the title with "Thorn Birds."
For example, "To Kill a Mockingbird"
would appear behind me and then later would mysteriously
change to "To Kill a Thorn Bird."
I think that would have been amazing,
but we didn't have time.
I also hoped that, by not cutting my hair for six months,
it would magically transform into Steff hair
from "Pretty in Pink," but instead it seems to be
trending towards summertime Steve Bannon.
You know, "Point Broke" over there.
"Utah, gimme ten!"
But one thing we did promise you was a B-plot
wherein the Sea Captain faces off with his nemesis,
a giant ghost lobster.
And since we have never broken a promise to you,
here it is, for your enjoyment, that exciting action sequence.
-The time for reckoning is now!
-Release me, foul beast!
-20 seconds until he drags you
into a watery grave, Sea Captain!
-Quick, Ira, throw me that spoon.
-Right away, Sea Captain.
-Steve, give me that weird egg with the lighthouse on it.
-You got it, Sea Captain.
-Vickie, toss me that wooden buoy.
-The mermaid's name is Vickie?
-We never established it wasn't.
Oh, hey, that reminds me of a joke.
-We don't have time for this, Sea Captain.
-Well, maybe if your stupid "Closer Looks" weren't so long,
we would have time for it.
-Maybe they wouldn't be so long
if you didn't interrupt so often.
-Ten seconds, Sea Captain!
-Do you want to hear the joke or not?
-Fine. -Okay.
What do you call a mythical creature
at her best friend's wedding?
-Is it a mermaid of honor?
-No!
Okay, yes, it -- it actually --
You got it.
-♪ Sea Captain! ♪
-Watch "MacGruber" on Peacock.
-Sometime next year.
-And speaking of explosions --
-Segue plug! -The President --
-Oh, hey, Seth, if we're plugging stuff,
I have a new podcast. It's called "Duck and Cover."
Because, you know, I'm a duck
and it covers my take on world events.
You know, just my musings and whatnot.
-You're really throwing the brakes
on the momentum here, Ira.
-Okay, so I can't plug my projects.
Okay, that's really helpful to know. Thank you.
-What can I say? I'm gonna miss these guys.
The President and Fox News are desperately trying to distract
from the Democratic National Convention.
For more on this, it's time for "A Closer Look."
♪♪
Donald Trump has been trying to counter-program the DNC
with his own campaign events.
And look, whatever you want to say about Trump --
like he's an incompetent, grifting,
sociopathic golf ogre --
at least he's also a terrible campaigner.
He's been trying to win over voters he condescendingly
refers to as "suburban housewives,"
with some bald-faced racism,
and in Wisconsin on Monday, he took another shot
at wooing that key voting bloc by continuing to insult them.
-But this is the future that Joe Biden plans to bring
to every city, town, and suburb in our nation.
And, you know, for those suburbs,
I keep hearing about suburban women.
I made the -- [ Cheers and applause ]
Oh.
[ Cheering continues ]
Well, you know, in one speech recently,
I called you suburban housewives,
and they all loved it, but what I got, they said,
"Sir, I don't know if that's politically correct."
I said, "Don't worry about it, They'll get over it." Right?
-He's a political mastermind, folks.
Some people still think he's playing
three-dimensional chess, but I think he's playing
"Chutes and Ladders," all-chutes addition.
I hope the Trump campaign is already printing up
their new lawn signs,
"Trump 2020 -- You'll Get Over it."
It's amazing, he even insults voters he's trying to win over.
He can't help himself.
[ As Trump ] "And what's up with Evangelicals?
Are these guys weird or what?
I mean, if Jesus is hiding inside that little cracker,
why would they eat -- Don't eat Jesus.
Don't worry. Don't worry. They'll get over it."
And then Trump whined that, because he was investigated
for Russian collusion, he -- he -- should get
a third term.
-We are going to win the state of Wisconsin,
and we are going to win four more years.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Crowd chanting "Four More Years" ]
-And then after that, we'll go for another four years
because -- you know what, they spied on campaign,
we should get a redo of four years.
-You're still on that?
Man, when it comes to getting over it,
he is no suburban housewife.
And even when he's pretending to be a politician,
he can't shake his loan shark DNA.
"The interest is 100 percent, but let's make it 200 percent,
'cause I saw you lookin' at my girlfriend, how 'bout that?"
The only redo anyone is getting is us
listening to you bitch about an election you won.
But yeah, I'm sure he'll be laid-back and cool if he loses.
"I may be a terrible winner, Joe,
but I'm an exceptional loser.
Congratulations, President Biden."
In fact, a day after Trump whined about the Russia probe,
we got definitive evidence that his campaign did
collude with Russian intelligence --
from a Republican-led -- a Republican-led --
Senate intelligence committee.
-A newly released Senate report, Natalie,
raising more red flags about the relationship
between the 2016 Trump campaign and Russia.
According to the Senate intelligence committee,
former campaign chairman Paul Manafort
employed a Russian intelligence officer
named Konstantin Kilimnik.
and briefed Kilimnik on the campaign's strategy
for beating Hillary Clinton.
The report also says Manafort might have had a connection
to Russian hack-and-leak operations.
-That's right, the Russian investigation is back, baby!
Remember that whole plot line from a few seasons ago
when we all got to know and love crazy characters
like Paul Manafort, Felix Sater,
Konstantin Kilimnik, George Papadopoulos,
and Sam Clovis?
You remember -- "Hogan's Zeroes."
Well, they're back in the news
now that the Senate Intelligence Committee
has released the final volume of its Russia report
with the shocking finding that Trump campaign manager
Paul Manafort shared internal campaign polling data
with a Russian intelligence officer
who may have well been involved in the hacking.
This is as definitive as it gets.
Collusion happened.
And the worst part is, no one cares because it's old news.
It's like finding out now that the characters on "Lost"
really did die in the plane crash.
"Huh. So the island was purgatory?
Okay."
Also, I just want to say to the Senate and Robert Mueller
and everyone -- everyone else involved
in the Russia investigation, way to slow walk it, fellas.
You couldn't have released definitive proof
of a criminal conspiracy to cheat in the 2016 election
before Trump botched a deadly pandemic
that left the nation in ruins?
I can't wait until August 2022 when the Senate announces
that yes, Trump did burn all the mail-in ballots from blue states
the day before the election.
Trump cheated in 2016 just like he's trying to cheat now --
this time, by trying to subvert mail-in voting
and sow chaos and confusion.
Once again, for example, he repeated a bunch of
insane lies about non-existent voter fraud.
-If you go with this universal mail-in,
where you send millions of votes --
in California, tens of millions of ballots being sent
to everybody and their dogs.
Okay? Dogs are getting them, okay?
People that have been dead for 25 years are getting them.
You have to see what's happening.
Then you're never going to have a fair election.
-Right. -I'll say this,
you're never going to have a fair election.
-"And it's worse than you think, people,
because one dog vote, I don't have to tell you,
counts as much as seven human votes."
Also, you're complaining about people who have been dead
for 25 years getting ballots?
Look, I don't like him either,
but Rudy has just as much of a right to vote as anyone else.
"I vote for more soup!"
And does he really think dogs are getting ballots?
Like, how does he think that works?
Like, you'd get an envelope at your house
from your local board of elections addressed to Rusty,
and you'd go inside and you say,
"Rusty, Rusty, buddy, you got some mail,"
then he'd come over and just put it in his mouth.
Then he would take it into the kitchen,
sit down, grab a pen, fill it out,
stamp it with his paw, then he would put it back
in the mail, I guess, and then it gets
to the country registrar, and they take a look at it,
and they check Rusty's name to, you know,
the name and the registration, and they say,
"Oh, it looks good to me."
And then Rusty gets on the phone
and calls Joe Biden and says "It's done,"
and then Joe Biden says, "Good boy."
Just as it was in 2016, Trump's strategy in 2020
is not to win the most votes but to cheat.
Democrats meanwhile have been focussed
on their own convention.
There have been some memorable moments, from Bernie's speech
in front of the National Strategic Firewood Reserve
to Michelle Obama's powerful address,
to the guy from Rhode Island apparently holding
a plate of calamari hostage.
"Give us the money or you'll never see this plate
of fried squid again." Although I have to ask,
what was the obsessive focus on Republicans about?
I mean, who cares what Meg Whitman
and John Kasich think?
You do know they can't even get Republicans
to listen to them, right?
Kasich's speech looked like a commercial for TD Ameritrade.
"Down this path is a path is a lifetime of debt.
Down this path is a secure retirement."
Outside of that, the convention has featured inspiring stories
of activists, everyday Americans,
essential workers, and some of the party's most talented
rising stars, so Fox News was desperate
to counter-program it.
Here's what Sean Hannity told his viewers last night.
-It was boring, it was awkward, it was disjointed.
All you got was a temper tantrum, bumper sticker slogans
about pretty much how much they hate Donald Trump,
and behind the hatred of him is a hatred
of we smelly Walmart shopper Trump supporters.
-Oh, "we," Sean?
So you're one of the so-called "smelly Walmart shoppers"?
When you're done with your million-dollar
cable news network gig in Manhattan,
I'm sure you're swinging by the local Walmart to pick up
some grass seed and hair wax,
maybe some Kyle Busch pajamas for the kids, please.
If your driver accidentally went by a Walmart,
you'd be screaming to him to lock the doors.
Also, no one called them that. You called them that.
If anything, you just revealed
what you think of Trump supporters.
"Smelly, Walmart-shopping Trump supporters.
And I mean, Trump supporters just stink, am I right?
They're rank, probably because they're stupid.
If you gave a Trump supporter a bar of soap,
they'd cut it in half and put it on your toast.
Ha ha! Smelly, stupid Trump supporters.
That's us, right, guys?"
These guys are such cheesy scam artists.
Their whole schtick is pretending to be
everyman populists when in reality they're trying
to use you as canon fodder to rev up the economy
while they sit safely ensconced in the White House
or their studios with their million dollar contracts.
Meanwhile, their guy is trailing badly in the polls,
and if he loses will just have to tell him to...
-They'll get over it, right?
-This has been "A Closer Look."
♪♪
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Stay safe. Wash your hands. Wear a mask. We love you.