- I do freestyle rap.
That is improvised rap made up in the moment,
based on your suggestions.
It requires your input.
It requires everyone here to start thinking
of words, topics and phrases you'd like a rap about.
But there's some rules, because it's hip-hop,
but British hip-hop.
So, regulations.
Number one: you cannot suggest food or animals.
That's the most common thing our brains think of, okay?
Don't come up with boring shit.
Number two: don't mention anything I've said,
like about babies or whatever,
because that feels like I've tried to hypnotize you for it,
and that's cheating.
Don't say anything--
British people, don't say anything weird in British.
You fucking love making it all about our country.
(audience laughing) You'll be there like, ha ha ha ha,
Rishi Sunak, ha ha ha ha ha.
(audience laughing)
And, like, America doesn't give a fuck about our country.
(audience laughing) So, shut up.
And be exciting and be creative with your suggestions.
Don't just make them simple and boring.
Best suggestion ever was a German man who said,
"A day in the life of an Aztec high priest."
(audience laughing)
"Make your rap about that, English boy." (chuckles)
(audience laughing)
All I ask is that you come with some good ones.
So, we'll take five suggestions, we'll divide the room up,
then we'll get a beat droppin' and we'll have some fun.
If you are sat in this segment over here,
what would you like to hear a rap about?
- [Audience Member 1] Dick.
- Dick? (audience laughing)
You heard all of those rules,
(audience laughing)
all of those neatly laid out rules,
just to make it as challenging as possible,
and you were like, "I know what I'm gonna say."
"I don't give a fuck what he wants."
(audience laughing)
D-I-C-K, motherfucker, yeah!
Well, describe the dick in question.
(audience laughing)
- [Audience Member 1] Spotted.
- Oh, spotted.
Oh, very funny.
Because it's also a British joke as well.
Ha ha ha. (audience laughing)
But okay, but we're gonna take it as a penis,
because that's how it was intended.
So, a penis, replete with spots.
Lovely. (audience laughing)
You weren't even in that section,
you were in this section.
(audience laughing)
This section, please be more erudite
than a dick with spots on.
That's suggestion number one, though.
What's suggestion number two gonna be?
- [Audience Member 2] Braces.
- Braces.
You mean retainer, like, orthodontic appliances?
- [Audience Member 2] Yes.
Braces and dick with spots on.
Middle of the room.
Let's move away from this,
whatever the fuck's going on over here.
(audience laughing)
Middle of the room,
what do you guys wanna rap about?
- [Audience Member 3] First time in New York City.
- First time in New York City.
- [Audience Member 3] Yes.
- Is that you, today?
- [Audience Member 3] No, but it's them.
- But it's them.
Oh. What's the most shocking thing,
what's the thing that made you go,
"Oh wow, we in the city now?"
What today that made you sort of think that?
(indistinct talking)
The what, sorry?
- [Audience Member 3] It's currently happening.
- [Audience Member 4] Yes!
- Is it also your first time having alcohol?
What is occurring here?
(audience laughing) Wow. Okay.
Okay. Your first time in New York City,
a dick with spots on, braces.
This side of the room,
there's two more sketches left.
You've got a lot of fucking intellectual heavy lifting
needing to happen.
(audience laughing)
'Cause this is some dreary, dire shit.
(audience laughing)
Really dull.
You guys.
- [Audience Member 5] A New York rat
who wants to be a country mouse.
- A New York rat who wants to be a country mouse.
Thank you for expanding this
beyond the realms of the mundane.
And then final section.
- [Audience Member 6] Taylor Swift.
- Yeah?
- [Audience Member 7] A safari in Africa.
- So there were two.
Taylor Swift and a safari in Africa?
- [Audience Member 6] Taylor Swift on safari in Africa.
Well, then we'll combine them.
Why can we not do?
Yeah, why can't she do that?
Taylor Swift on safari.
(audience laughing) Great.
A rat who wants to be a country mouse,
people's first time in New York City,
a dick with spots on, and braces.
This, then, lovely people, is gonna be a freestyle.
That's a rap made up on the spot
based entirely on those suggestions.
Not written, not prepared, not rehearsed.
And don't worry,
(hip-hop instrumental music begins)
it won't be anywhere near as atrociously, embarrassingly bad
as you're expecting it to be.
It's gonna be... it's gonna be fun.
And we'll start with you.
♪ Let me give you advice ♪
♪ Speed up when you're walking here ♪
♪ People shout at your eyes on stalk ♪
♪ It's clear you're seein' the skyscrapers ♪
♪ Eyes agog, jaw slack ♪
♪ You're saying this will do the job ♪
♪ The big city, the Big Apple ♪
♪ See a British guy on stage try and start a rap battle ♪
♪ First time in Manhattan, this guy rappin' ♪
♪ You'll be going back in the evening lying flat ♪
♪ In your expensive hotel or Airbnb ♪
♪ Like a fun day in the NYC ♪
♪ Where are you from? ♪
♪ Don't confront me ♪
♪ Maybe Ohio, out in the country somewhere ♪
♪ You look around and in your house got a tiny little rodent ♪
♪ A very small mouse, like "Good Night Moon" ♪
♪ There in the bedroom ♪
♪ How back in the day did he assume he would grow ♪
♪ Used to be an NY sewer rat ♪
♪ He says, "No, this job, I'm not pursuing that" ♪
♪ "I'm not doing this move from the subway" ♪
♪ "I need to run away" ♪
♪ "Have a more fun way to live" ♪
♪ "Going out to the field, get a bit of corn" ♪
♪ "Bit of hay that I steal" ♪
♪ "See a cow, see a sheep and a goat" ♪
♪ "That's incredible, yeah" ♪
♪ "And I wouldn't even vote for Democrats" ♪
♪ 'Cause usually in rural areas they like Republicans ♪
♪ Why? Because they think that it's scary there ♪
♪ Yes, they really can't resist ♪
♪ Listenin' to country music by Taylor Swift ♪
♪ But she mixed it up ♪
♪ She's from there, tried to change it, get a new genre ♪
♪ We say, "Yo, Taylor, do you feel me?" ♪
♪ She says, "My new album is in Swahili" ♪
♪ "Why would you do that?" ♪
♪ "I must ask this" ♪
♪ She says, "I've learned that African language" ♪
♪ "Okay, cool, maybe have a dance party" ♪
♪ "Where did you learn it?" ♪
♪ "Out on safari" ♪
♪ Don't mean to offend you if you're from Kenya ♪
♪ In the Maasai Mara ♪
♪ She was there, it was trendin' ♪
♪ Walkin' round, having fun like the rat ♪
♪ Naming other animals ♪
♪ A giraffe ♪
♪ And when you see a giraffe, let me think so quick ♪
♪ Dick so big, got the spots on that dick ♪
(audience laughing and cheering)
♪ Because it's there on the skin, there on the hide. ♪
♪ This is incredible ♪
♪ The man, he provides ♪
♪ Just shout "Dick!" ♪
♪ Yes, I've seen this ♪
♪ The transition seamless to the penis ♪
(audience laughing)
♪ And this dick's so long, gettin' so swole ♪
♪ Showing it off at the watering hole ♪
(audience laughing)
♪ And then the doctor of the Savannah, he sees, ♪
♪ Says, "Giraffe, sadly you've got an STD or an STI" ♪
♪ "Can't get rid of" ♪
♪ "You got the antibiotic resistant chlamydia" ♪
♪ "And the syphilis" ♪
♪ "That's where the spots come from" ♪
♪ "I'm really sorry 'bout this" ♪
♪ "Gotta move on" ♪
♪ Giraffe goes home, have such fun ♪
♪ He says, "I'll get a blowjob from my wife" ♪
♪ "'Cause her gums are incredible" ♪
♪ But sadly, beneath she went to the orthodontist ♪
♪ To fix her teeth. ♪
(audience laughing) ♪ Oh no! ♪
♪ Now it's not what he admires ♪
♪ He worries that his pubes get caught in the wire ♪
(audience laughing)
♪ When he's getting sucked off by someone with the braces ♪
♪ I know it's horrible, really. to face this ♪
♪ I really don't mean to insult ♪
♪ These braces were clearly on a giraffe who was an adult ♪
(audience cheering and laughing)