-Wow. Thank you. That's -- That's very --
You -- Wow. You didn't need to stand up.
That's nice. Okay, um --
Well, I was walking down the street the other day --
Has anyone here turned 33?
Okay, so, if you're a 33-year-old white woman,
this joke is gonna crush.
Okay. So, I was walking down the street.
I was doing some window shopping, and I was, like,
looking at this window.
I was like, "That's cute. That's cute. That's cute."
I look up. "Ann Taylor."
"Oh, no!"
I got Ann Taylor'ed, and, you know --
It gives me a chill.
Every time I even hear the words "Ann Taylor,"
I just hear my mom go, "They got a petite section."
I don't even know if it's a store.
I just know it's a portal to menopause, you know?
But I'm trying -- I'm trying to stay young, you know?
I'm trying to stay young. I'm going to parties.
Mm-hmm. I'm going to parties.
Like, I went to a party the other night, and I just kind of
was talking to the same three people the whole night.
I thought, "This is great. We don't need anybody else."
And then this woman comes up to us, and she goes,
"How would you rate this party?"
And, you know, I think,
"I don't need to wait for the others to answer.
I can say. Nine."
And then everyone else in the circle said, "Six."
And that's just a lesson for you as an adult.
If you're at a party and you're having a nine,
everyone else is having a six.
That's just the Ann Taylor brand for you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I got -- Thanks.
Yeah, give it up for Ann Taylor.
Dress -- Yeah.
I got a dog recently. And when you get --
A lot of people, when they get a dog, they say,
"Oh, my dog's so good, so smart."
And it turns out I got a dumb and bad one.
He's really awful. He bit my cousin.
He ripped my dad's pants off. Uh, he's terrible.
So we took him to this trainer, and the trainer was like,
"Oh, you're doing it all wrong.
You got to be walking him for three hours a day,
feeding him hard-boiled eggs."
Essentially we're turning this dog into John Cena.
And, I mean, it seems insane to me
to make a bad dog stronger, but that's --
That's what we're doing.
But I -- So I got -- It was hard to even get the dog
because I got the dog with my boyfriend.
He was really picky about the dog.
He didn't want the dog to be too big, too small.
He wanted it to be brown. He wanted ears to go like that.
And he didn't want to be able to feel the bones.
[ Laughter ]
You guys know that part of the dog
that gives it the shape of the dog?
[ Laughter ]
My mom's friend, Mary, was like,
"Honey, he wants a chicken finger."
[ Laughter ]
True. Mary's right.
I mean, we obviously -- You know, we live together.
Has anyone moved in with someone they wanted to love?
[ Laughter ]
It's -- Things change when you live with somebody.
You know, like, the other day, he goes --
He goes, "Babe, come in here. I'm a genius."
So I stopped what I'm doing
because, you know, obviously my baby's a genius.
I got to go check, you know.
And so I go over to him,
and I look and he's eating cereal.
And instead of milk, it's peanut butter.
[ Laughter ]
That -- That's a disappointment.
You know, but he's so -- he's so proud.
And I want this to work, so I say to him, I say,
"Well, sweetie, you -- you just made the thickest snack.
[ Laughter ]
You just made a snack fit for a horse."
And then I went into the bathroom
and screamed for three minutes.
But I've been -- You know, I've working on the relationship.
Working on friendships. 2020, you know.
You know, just trying to connect with people more.
It's hard -- It's hard to connect for me.
Like, I don't know if you guys have noticed this,
but I haven't looked at any one of you in the eyes.
And if I make it to the end of the set,
I do get an ice-cream cone.
[ Laughter ]
But I'm trying. You know, I am really trying, you know.
And, like, I've been doing this outreach
with the neighborhood kids that's been really great.
It's this activity I made up. It's called liquid telephone.
And basically I just get 10 kids to line up in a row,
and the first kid gets a mouthful of juice,
and then they just pass it mouth to mouth...
[ Audience groans ]
And then the kid at the end has to guess the flavor.
[ Laughter ]
I guess that's why I'm a six at parties.
Okay. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-You're a 10! You're a 10!
♪♪
Jo Firestone!
Listen to her on the "National Lampoon Radio Hour: The Podcast"
available on Spotify.