Hi! I’m Michael Kosta. And welcome to The Daily Show’s
Donald Trump Tour of New York.
Like Frank Sinatra and a rat dragging pizza
down the stairs, Donald J. Trump and New York City
are inextricably linked.
So come with me as I show you the places that formed him
and the places he formed with only his wits,
millions of dollars of his dad’s money
and the hard work of contractors he’s stiffed.
It’ll be like a “Sex and the City” tour
with less estrogen and way more sex. Ungh!
Join me, won’t ya?
We’re gonna kick the tour off with Trump Tower,
the crown jewel in Donald Trump’s
global real estate empire.
His Fuckingham Palace, if you will.
Besides Trump’s personal residence and a Starbucks,
it’s also home to the world’s most famous escalator.
Well, the world’s only famous escalator.
Trump Tower is where the future president
would call Mexicans rapists
then rub in their faces how much he likes their cooking.
As president-elect, Trump used this building
to meet with everyone from senators to Kanye West.
Yeezy to Jeff Seshyeezy.
It was also a hub of activity during the campaign,
and played host to a not-at-all-treasonous meeting
that’d include senior campaign staff
like Donald Trump Jr. and Paul Manafort
and Russian lawyers offering dirt on Hillary Clinton.
But as a great man once said,
no collusion, witch hunt, covfefe.
Vamanos, shall we?
Ah, here we are. Central Park.
It was named that in 1997 as an homage to Central Perk,
the coffee shop in that TV show “Friends.”
But five New Yorkers Donald Trump wasn’t friends with?
The Central Park Five,
the five juveniles falsely accused and wrongly imprisoned
of assaulting a jogger.
No one told them life was gonna be this way.
But even though they were fully exonerated in 2002
with DNA evidence, Donald Trump insisted
as recently as 2016 that they were still guilty.
Actually, you know what?
I just realized – they were six friends
on that show, not five.
Kinda falls apart.
Oh, and Trump runs the rink here.
Wollman Rink for ice-skating.
So that’s...kinda fun.
Huh. Movin’ on.
Come on. I’m gonna show ya inside of Donald Trump’s
childhood home.
This is exciting.
Oh, I’m sorry, what’s that?
No, no, you don’t need to call the cops.
You don’t need to call the cops. Let’s go. We gotta go. Come on.
Let’s go. let’s go. Let’s go.
This is 85-15 Wareham Place, Jamaica, New York, 11432.
You know, every hero has an origin story,
and Donald Trump’s begins in this unassuming house
in Queens – just like Spider-Man.
Except instead of being bitten by a radioactive spider,
Trump was bitten by a radioactive racist real estate mogul.
Sorry – not bitten by, fathered by.
I get those confused.
It was here that Donald Trump was shaped
into the man he is today.
Like when he punched his music teacher in the face
in the second grade because he didn’t think
he knew anything about music.
Anyway, in 2017, the current owners briefly listed
the home on Airbnb, where you could have rented it
for just $725 a night.
So worth it!
Man, if those walls could talk.
Too bad Trump had ’em sign nondisclosure agreements.
They saw way too much.
I gotta piss.
Here we are at New York’s famous Plaza Hotel,
which Donald Trump purchased in 1988 for $407 million
before it was sold seven years later for $325 million.
Only a loss of $83 million, before you adjust for inflation.
That would make it worse.
It was also here that Donald Trump
told an adorable 11-year-old Macaulay Culkin
that the lobby is...
Down the hall and to the left.
Not to be confused with the time Trump
actually said this to an adorable real-life 14-year-old
girl at Trump tower:
Oooh boy! Clearly, none of those kids
should be left...home alone. [Screams]
Here we are in sunny, adequate Coney Island,
where every July 4th, grown adults cram hot dogs
down their gullets by the dozen.
But that’s only the second most disgusting thing
to happen here,
because Coney Island is also home to Trump Village,
an apartment complex with lovely ocean views
and a history of the Trumps openly discriminating
against black people.
According to the U.S. Justice Department,
Trump and his father, Fred, made their employees
attach a piece of a paper with a big letter “C”
to any apartment application from a person who was colored.
The Department of Justice accused the Trumps
of violating the Fair Housing Act,
arguing they were turning away renters based on race
and color.
But you know what else starts with the letter “C”?
The Cyclone, which I’m about to go ride.
Hopefully they allow white people! Wheeee!
♪ Love child, love child ♪
♪ You’re my love child ♪
Why am I singing “Love Child” to the tune of “Sex Bomb”?
The answer...
is behind me.
The Trump World Tower.
This 72-floor, 376-unit luxury condominium
is where Dino Sajudin, a doorman at this very property,
received $30,000 from the National Enquirer
to keep quiet about a story that Donald Trump
allegedly fathered a child with one of his housekeepers.
Could this love child story be a slanderous lie?
Who knows!
But maybe if I keep talkin’ about it right here,
I, too, can get $30K to be quiet.
I’m great at not mentioning things.
Like my brother’s adoption.
I’m mean, he’s Filipino. You’d think he’d put it together.
So, yeah, send me some cash, and I’ll keep quiet.
Let’s keep goin’.
Yalta, Potsdam, Versailles: the site of great summits
to be sure, but none quite so consequential as Famous
Famiglia Pizzeria.
This not-hidden not-gem sadly closed a few years ago
and is now an establishment called Gifts & Luggage,
a place that answers the question: What if the phrase
“Fell off the back of a truck” was a store?
But back in 2011, Famous Famiglia played host to a meeting
between Donald Trump and former Republican vice presidential
candidate Sarah Palin.
Their encounter seemed inevitable, considering how much
the two have in common.
She can see Russia from her house;
he can often see Russians in his house.
Trump and Palin also bucked convention by eating their
pizza with a knife and fork, signaling to blue-collar
New Yorkers: “I’m one of you, if you got hit in the head
with a rock and forgot how to eat pizza.”
Hey, let’s continue.
Hey, everyone.
It’s the building formerly known as Trump Place.
Why formerly?
Because the Donald-hating tenants here
love this condo so much that rather than move somewhere else,
they simply stripped his name off the building.
But really, this is just another feather
in Donald Trump’s cap.
His properties are so luxurious
that even people who detest him
can’t bring themselves to move out.
Sure, he’s a white supremacist,
but have you seen these walk-in closets?
Anyway, Trump sued, but the condo owners won.
So now, instead of “Trump Place,”
I guess it’s just called “Place.”
You gotta hand it to him –
it takes a great man to get evicted from a building
he doesn’t even live in.
I’m gonna go back to jogging.
Donald Trump has always believed
that women can achieve greatness –
a sentiment he’s shared many times, right here
in Howard Stern’s old K-ROCK studio.
It was here that the future president
told millions of commuter Americans this:
See?
He didn’t say it was impossible to be a 10 –
he just said it was very hard.
Because he believes that, in America,
women can climb all the way to the top.
Specifically, to the top of a board
ranking the attractiveness of women.
-We’re gonna pick a winner? -Now, let’s see. Who is best?
-I think we have to put Marla right up here.
-Come on. Let’s do that. -I think so. -Let’s take down Frederique.
-Kim Alley, I don’t know.
-Let’s take her down.
-Stephanie I know, but I never had.
-Right.
-Etcetera, etcetera.
And lastly, the Howard Stern Studio
is where our president proved that he has
always been willing to go to war for women.
Metaphorically, at least.
-Now, gettin’ back to dating. -Isn’t this a dangerous...
-You’ve never gotten a social disease?
-It is a dangerous world out there.
-It is.
-Scary. It’s like Vietnam.
Sort of like, you know, the Vietnam era.
-It is.
It is your personal Vietnam, isn’t it?
-It is my personal Vietnam.
-You’ve said that many times.
-I feel like a great and very brave soldier.
So the next time you see our president’s penis,
be sure to thank it for its service.
Ah, justice.
No tour of Trump’s New York would be complete
without some court time.
And while there may not be a courtroom
with Trump’s name on it,
his name has been mentioned inside courtrooms many times.
In fact, over the last three decades,
Trump has been a part of 4,095 lawsuits.
So, five more, and his next divorce is free.
Now, this here is the New York State Supreme Court,
which played host to the State of New York
v. Trump University,
a case that ended in a $25 million settlement
that included a penalty
for calling the program a “university”
despite offering no degrees or traditional education.
Strangely, though, he’s never been fined
for calling Trump Steaks steaks,
instead of what they should be called:
beef-adjacent meat chunks.
Now, if you’ll excuse me,
I have a small indecency charge to take care of.
I mean, come on. Everybody pees. How can it be illegal?
Ah, yes, the former Trump SoHo building.
Fun fact: The main reason Donald Trump
wanted a property in this specific neighborhood
was that he though Soho stood for “Sodomy Hot Dog” –
two of the things he loves most.
But actually, we’re here because of Ivanka and Don Jr.,
Trump’s favorite child and second-least-favorite child.
They’ve always know the best way to their father’s heart:
a good old-fashioned real estate fraud scheme.
That’s why those two rascals allegedly coordinated
an effort to mislead condominium buyers
about the Soho building’s value.
But don’t worry – before they could be charged with fraud,
their family lawyer made a $25,000 donation
to the Manhattan DA’s reelection campaign.
And voila!
The charges disappeared faster than that Louis C.K. movie
about sexual misconduct.
Anyway, the Trump SoHo was a complete financial flop.
They took down the Trump name in 2017,
and this glass ship box was renamed the Dominick.
Was it because everybody in the city kinda hates Trump?
Maybe.
Or maybe it’s because...
Nah, everybody hates him.
It’s pretty obvious, actually.
My scooter’s here.
Hey, come back!
It’s 6AM in Washington.
A crisis is unfolding somewhere overseas,
and a restless President awaits the counsel
of his most trusted advisors:
“Fox & Friends”!
Yes, it is here, on America’s most consequential couch,
that Brian Kilmeade, Steve Doocy and Ainsley Earhardt
give the President his daily morning briefing.
This is the epicenter of the echo chamber.
“Fox & Friends” reports, then Trump tweets about the report.
Then “Fox & Friends” reports the tweet.
Well, the president just tweeted this out:
That’s his story. That’s right.
And around, around it goes,
until the sweet release of death.
In the 60s, Walter Cronkite had: “And that’s the way it is.”
Now, “Fox & Friends” has: “Mr. President,
please turn your TV down in the background.
We’re getting some feedback again.”