WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I'M STILL DETOXING FROM MONDAY'S
DEBATE.
SHAKE SHAONE OFF.
THAT'S, LIKE, A TWO-DAY HANGOVER.
( LAUGHTER ) KIND OF MAKES MEANTIME TO DRINK
AGAIN, ACTUALLY.
EVERYBODY IS TRYING TO SPIN THIS THING THEIR OWN WAY.
DONALD TRUMP SAYS ALL THE POLLS SHOW HE WON, AND THE POLLS SAY
HILLARY WON.
( LAUGHTER ) AND, YOU KNOW,
IT'S KIDN OF LIKE A HE SAID/REALITY SAID.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHO TO BELIEVE.
JUST IN CASE POLLS ARE ACCURATE ABOUT WHAT THE POLLS SAY, TRUMP
HAS AN EXPLANATION FOR HIS SOFT PERFORMANCE.
>> FOR 90 MINUTES, I WATCHED HER VERY CAREFULLY, AND I WAS ALSO
HOLDING BACK.
I DIDN'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING TO EMBARRASS HER.
>> Stephen: YES.
YES.
AND IT'S TRUE.
HE DID NOTHING TO EMBARRASS HER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HE'S HONEST.
HE'S VERY HONEST.
VERY HONEST.
HONEST.
HONEST TO A FAULT.
TRUMP'S ALWAYS ACTING LIKE SUCH A GENTLEMAN.
HE HOLDS DOORS FOR WOMEN, GIVES THEM A SEAT ON THE BUS, DOES NO
DEBATE PREPARATION.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU MIGHT CALL IT THE ADDLED
RAMBLINGS OF A DELUSIONAL DEMAGOGUE.
TRUMP CALLS IT CHIVALRY.
AND ONE OF THE THINGS THAT ESPECIALLY DID NOT EMBARRASS
SECRETARY CLINTON ON MONDAY IS HER CHARGE THAT DONALD TRUMP
SAYS ABUSIVE THINGS ABOUT WOMEN, INCLUDING ONE FORMER MISS
UNIVERSE.
>> AND ONE OF THE WORST THINGS HE SAID WAS ABOUT A WOMAN IN A
BEAUTY CONTEST.
HE LOVES BEAUTY CONTESTS, SUPPORTING THEM AND HANGING
AROUND THEM.
AND HE CALLED THIS WOMAN "MISS PIGGY."
THEN HE CALLED HER "MISS HOUSEKEEPING," BECAUSE SHE
WAS LATINA.
>> Stephen: WOW.
( BOOING ).
>> Jon: THAT AIN'T COOL, MAN.
>> Stephen: THAT IS ONE OF THE TOP 100 MOST DEGRADING THINGS
I'VE HEARD ABOUT BEAUTY PAGEANT.
THE PAGEANT WINNER SECRETARY CLINTON WAS TALKING ABOUT WAS
1996 MISS UNIVERSE ALICIA MACHADO, WHO TRUMP SAID GAINED A
LOT OF WEIGHT AFTER THE PAGEANT: >> SHE WEIGHED 118 POUNDS OR 117
POUNDS, AND SHE WENT UP TO 160 OR 170.
SO THIS IS SOMEONE WHO LIKES TO EAT.
>> Stephen: NOW, THESE COMMENTS COULD REALLY HURT TRUMP WITH THE
SMALL SPECIAL-INTEREST GROUP OF AMERICANS WHO GAIN WEIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THEY'RE POWERFUL.
THEY'RE POWERFUL, POWERFUL.
BASICALLY, EVERYBODY BUTICLA RIPA.
( LAUGHTER ) SO TRUMP CLARIFIED HIS REMARKS
YESTERDAY.
>> SHE GAINED A MASSIVE AMOUNT OF WEIGHT AND IT WAS-- IT WAS A
REAL PROBLEM.
>> Stephen: SEE?
IT WASN'T FAT SHAMING, BECAUSE SHE WAS FAT.
( LAUGHTER ) ALL RIGHT?
IT'S ALL PART OF TRUMP'S NEW CAMPAIGN SLOGAN, "TRUMP 2016:
SERIOUSLY, LADIES, YOU COULD LOSE A FEW POUNDS."
AND THAT KIND OF BRUTAL HONESTY THAT KIND OF BRUTAL HONESTY
TAKES COURAGE BECAUSE TRUMP WEIGHS 236 POUNDS, WHICH, AT HIS
HEIGHT, IS TECHNICALLY OBESE.
"TECHNICALLY OBESE," BY THE WAY, ALSO THE WORLD'S SADDEST FETISH
MAGAZINE.
( LAUGHTER ) SPEAKING OF LARGE THINGS,
THERE'S BIG NEWS FROM OUTER SPACE.
YESTERDAY, ELON MUSK, VISIONARY BILLIONAIRE AND GUY WHO'S ONE
LAB ACCIDENT AWAY FROM BEING A SUPERVILLAIN, LAID OUT HIS
PLAN TO SEND PEOPLE TO MARS.
I JUST WANT TO SAY, GOD BLESS YOU, ELON MUSK.
YOU ARE FULFILLING THE SCIENCE FICTION DREAMS OF MY CHILDHOOD!
THIS IS THE FUTURE I WAS PROMISED.
NOW, PLEASE, DON'T FORGET THE ROBOT DOG IN A SPACE SUIT THAT
KNOWS KUNG FU AND THE CUTE GIRL AND THE CUTE GIRL NEXT DOOR WHO
COMES ON THE ROCKET WITH ME.
MUSK SAYS THE FIRST FLIGHTS COULD LEAVE AS SOON AS 2022,
SO HALFWAY THROUGH MIKE PENCE'S SECOND TERM BECAUSE YOU KNOW
TRUMP IS STEPPING DOWN ON DAY THREE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
INAUGURATION.
PUT UP HIS NAME.
AND THEN-- NOW, UNFORTUNATELY, IF YOU'RE INTERESTED IN THIS,
TICKETS ARE GOING TO BE A LITTLE PRICY, WITH THE CURRENT
PROJECTED COST BEING UPON $10 BILLION PER PERSON.
FINALLY, A PLAN TO SHOOT BILLIONAIRES INTO SPACE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I BELIEVE-- I BELIEVE WE HAVE
GOTTEN A PHOTO OF THE PROJECT MANAGERS.
YEAH, THERE YOU GO.
THERE YOU GO.
>> Jon: I LIKE THAT.
I LIKE THAT.
>> Stephen: THE QUESTION IS WHY WOULD IT BE $10 BILLION.
10 BILLION.
WHERE HAVE I HEARD THAT NUMBER BEFORE?
WAIT A SECOND, HOW MUCH MONEY DOES DONALD TRUMP SAY HE HAS?
>> $10 BILLION!
>> A-HA!
( APPLAUSE ) ELON MUSK UPONS DONALD TRUMP OFF
THE PLANET!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'LL TELL YOU WHAT-- IF DONALD
WON'T PONY UP, I SAY WE PASS AROUND THE HAT.
MAYBE THIS ONE.
"MAKE MARS GREAT AGAIN."
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT-- MADE ON VENUS.
( LAUGHTER ) OH, OKAY, THIS IS INTERESTING.
SPEAKING OF THE FUTURE-- YOU GUYS INTERESTED IN THE FUTURE?
IT'S WHERE WE'RE ALL GOING TO LIVE EVENTUALLY.
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: THERE'S INTERESTING NEWS OUT OF THE
LONDON SPERM BANK, OR AS THEY CALL IT "THE ROYAL FIGGY PUDDING
DEPOSITORY."
I THINK THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL IT.
APPARENTLY, IN KEEPING WITH THE EVER-ADVANCING DIGITAL AGE, THE
ORGANIZATION JUST RELEASED A TINDER-ESQUE MOBILE APP THAT
LETS WOMEN FILTER POTENTIAL SPERM DONORS BASED ON TRAITS
LIKE ETHNICITY, OCCUPATION, PERSONALITY TYPE, EYE COLOR, AND
MORE.
OF COURSE, TO US AMERICANS, A SPERM DONOR APP SEEMS
UNNECESSARY, BECAUSE WE HAVE CRAIGSLIST, WHERE YOU CAN FIND A
SPERM DONOR AND BUY THE THE FUTONE-- IS IT REALLY WORTH IT?
IS IT REALLY WORTH FINISHING THIS JOKE?
AND BUY THE FUTON HE DONATED IT ON.
YOU'RE WELCOME!
NOT SURE IF THAT WAS WORTH-- REALLY BACKED THE TRUCK DOWN THE
HIGHWAY TO GET THAT JOKE.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WITH
QUESTIONS ABOUT THIS APP.
ONE CRITIC SAID, "THIS IS REPRODUCTION VIA THE MOBILE
PHONE.
IT'S DIGITAL DADS.
CHOOSE DADDY.
THIS IS THE ULTIMATE DENIGRATION OF FATHERHOOD."
AND IT'S TRUE, FOLKS.
WHY, I REMEMBER A SIMPLER TIME WHEN PEOPLE DIDN'T RELY ON THESE
NEW-FANGLED SPERM DONORIN' APPS.
BACK THEN, WOMEN LIKE ANNE MARIE TIMMS WOULD HEAD OVER
TO THE OLE ICE CREAM SHOPPE ON SUNDAYS AFTER CHURCH, WALK UP
TO MR. HENDERSON DRINKING HIS ROOT BEER FLOAT, AND SAY, "WHY,
MR. HENDERSON, YOU HAVE BLUE EYES, GOOD BONE STRUCTURE, AND
NO VISIBLE SIGNS OF GENETIC DISORDERS.
MAY I TROUBLE YOU FOR A CUPPA SPERM?"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MR. ROBINSON WOULD ALWAYS OBLIGE.
I'LL BE DARNED IF I DIDN'T SEE HIM THERE EVERY DAY AFTER CHURCH
ON SUNDAY AND MONDAY AND TUESDAY.
HE WAS THERE MOST OF THE TIME.
OL' MISTER HENDERSON SURE DID LIKE WORKING THE ICE CREAM
CHURN, SHALL WE SAY.
AND IF HE WERE HERE TODAY, I BELIEVE HE'D SAY, "STEPHEN
COLBERT, SWIPING LEFT AND RIGHT ISN'T HOW YOU FIND SPERM
DONATIONS.
IT'S HOW YOU MAKE SPERM DONATIONS.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW WOULD YOU PLEASE GET ME
ANOTHER OF THEM ROOT BEER FLOATS.
I HAVE TO REHYDRATE IN A BIG WAY.
NOW SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY.