Wazzup?
I was the leader of Al Qolnidar.
Hi.
I was very ferocious soldier in the Ottoman
Empire, which meant a lot of killing, a lot of pillaging.
I was relentless.
They would call me Nando the Relentless--
Shit.
I am not a jabroni.
You are jabroni! [GUNSHOT]
- Jabroni! - Jabroni!
Jabroni!
--because I just never relent.
Back in Al Qolnidar, I would just
wear the severed penis of an enemy
on a sling made from his dismembered intestines.
This was a wedding tradition?
No.
For me, that was a Tuesday night.
[LAUGHS]
Nothing?
We drank the blood of some people,
but the people were on drugs.
And now I am a wizard.
I, Nando the Relentless, hereby demand
complete and total supplication of this governing
body to my command.
They laughed at me.
One of the all-time coolest ways of rocking out
is to be nice and polite to your housemates and to your elders.
Last night, there were all these people down there shouting
and screaming, half drunk.
Where did they find the alcohol?
No, they were half drunk.
They had been half drunk.
Oh.
Please, finish a whole victim before moving on to a next one,
OK?
You were the leader of a country?
Yes, I was the leader of Al Qolnidar.
That sounds like you've just made it up.
Look it up.
Spell it A--
A-L-- new word--
I've got it.
Oh, great.
How's it doing?
Not so hot.
It's dissolved.
Wh-- when did this happen?
1401.
[SAD MUSIC]
I have no country.
I have no home.
I'm 700 years old, and what have I got to show for it?
I'm a fully grown vampire, and I still have roommates.
It doesn't matter that I'm an infinitely powerful being.
Doesn't mean anything when you live for eternity.
Everything loses its meaning when you live for eternity.
For 750 years, I believed I knew the truth,
that the Earth rested upon the shoulders
of four mighty elephants--
Forget about the four elephants.
--who stood on the shell of a large and noble turtle--
Look at the turtle.
Uh-huh.
And then four more elephants around
which the sun and the moon and all the stars revolve.
This is science.
But this is a turtle.
The world which I have known for 7 and 1/2 centuries is a lie.
So you are renouncing your vampirism to go
and try living as a human.
Yes.
What part of that is not clear?
Well, how about the whole thing?
You can't just pretend to be a human, your nob lord.
NANDOR: As I can no longer fly, I will have a nice evening
stroll with the chains--
just a human man crossing the street.
Careful.
[CAR HORN HONKING]
NANDOR: Are you shitting me?
Who knew that living as a human would
reignite the zeal for life I thought to be long dormant?
If I wasn't a human, I'd be crushing your dick
and slamming it on the floor.
You're not a human.
Get off me.
Ah!
It's been one week since you looked at me,
cocked your head to the side, and said,
I'm angry, five days since you laughed at me.
Did you ever consider for one moment
that I might be happy for the first time in decades?
Decades!
Get down in it, brother.
He doesn't really get comfortable so easily.
Here we go.
Oh.
How perfect is that?
Pretty perfect.
Would you do me the great honor of being
the best man at my wedding?
You're getting married?
Yes.
Now, don't be jealous.
I'm actually not.
So who is she?
Who is who?
Your bride to be.
- I don't know yet. - What?
I have not picked one.
You haven't picked one?
I have been very lonely.
You have 200,000 direct living descendants.
That's a lot.
I'm a granddad?
One of them living right here in Staten Island--
Madeleine.
Exciting.
I'm going to float up to her window and see her.
Not going to introduce myself yet.
I don't want to frighten her.
Madeleine!
She's awake.
Come to me, my little one.
Come, look.
This is for you.
Your grandpappy is here.
Say hello.
This is--
[WOMAN MOANS, FAINTS]
Hey.
Hey, ya-- oh, hey.
Are you Jean?
Yes.
You don't look like a Jean.
You can't say that.
I just did.
My first thought was, I will just wish
that Jean to get me a new love.
But then I remembered I had already found love.
I had 37 wives, and one of them, I specifically
remember I really loved.
This is Marwa.
Hello.
I am Marwa, a--
I mean, it was obvious all along, you know, like, duh.
I had what is known as a summer of self-discovery.
I was being a vapor.
And I got sucked into an air purifier.
I like everything that he likes.
So if he says that we need a change--
Change is not always a good thing.
I mean, sometimes, you make too many changes.
And then before you know it, you realize
what you thought you wanted is, in fact, very annoying.
Take it from a soldier.
That thing is a weapon, not a toy.
The last time you saw battle, it was
just swords and wooden clubs.
They'd hardly call you an authority.
[LAUGHS]
I am and always will be Nandor the Relentless.
Oh, no.
Nandor.
Ha.
No!
Toby, no!
Toby!
Oh, god.
What the hell?
The only thing my familiar is scared of
is beating all of your familiars all at once because that's
how tough my familiar is.
The only reason you're alive is because I let you live.
[FIGHTING]
I never feel weak, my furry little friend.
Ah!
[CHEERING]
Are you sad because Marwa is gone?
There's nothing like the end of a relationship
to really make one appreciate being alone.
So then what's next?
As you may have noticed, I've really
got back into reading books.
So I think I'm just going to do this for a while.
For how long?
Not long.
15 years, maybe 20.
[MUSIC PLAYING]