And now we return to: Holidays with the Family
Norm: Can you pass the bread?
Jimmothy: Yeah.
Norm: Thanks.
Jeddediah: You know, it’s so nice having everyone here for the holidays.
Dad: So Jimmothy, how’s Bennifer?
I’m sorry she can’t be here for dinner.
It seems that she has more important people to see than her inlaws.
Jimmothy: Dad…
Dad: What, she can’t take a day off to enjoy a home cooked dinner with us?
Jimmothy: Please, I already told you, she can’t get off work.
Dad: No, she’s gotta change bedpans and up the morphine.
Jimmothy: Can you just drop it?
Jeddediah: Norm? Norm?
Norm: No thanks Uncle Jeddediah.
I got water.
Jeddediah: Okay, more for me.
Jeddediah: Did you hear your cousin Shrek just got a promotion?
Yeah, he’s only been there about two months.
Hey, uh, any news on your post-college search there, Norm?
Norm: Uh...no.
Jeddediah: Okay.
Jimmothy: Well, maybe that’s why you don’t get an English degree.
Dad: I should stop eating.
I’m stuffed!
Jeddediah: Yeah, that might be for the best.
I noticed you’ve put on a little bit of weight since the last time I saw you.
Dad: Excuse me?
Jeddediah: What? You’ve gotta look trim for the ladies!
When are you gonna get remarried anyway, huh?
It’s been long enough.
Jimmothy: Maybe you should stop drinking for the night Jeddediah.
Norm: Shut up Jimmothy, don’t tell people how to live.
Jeddediah: Well maybe if you went to church...
Dad: Quiet!
Now let me just say this one thing about Donald Trump.
No!
Jeddediah: You have my attention.
Ah, the holidays.
It can be a stressful time.
It’s a strange cocktail of high expectations, hustle and bustle, demands on your time,
people you haven’t seen in a while and who you may not get along with, and
well, just general chaos.
So it’s no surprise that, for many people, it’s a struggle to feel comfortable.
Particularly when it comes to big get-togethers.
What are you supposed to do when you get cornered by your overbearing Aunt Carole?
Well, here’s six therapist-approved ways to cope with the family around the holidays.
Number one: Find a buddy.
There’s nothing worse than feeling like you’re all alone.
But if you have someone who’s got your back, then that can make all the difference.
Talk to a family member ahead of time and share your concerns about what you’re worried
about and maybe plan on how you’d like to redirect problematic behaviors or people.
And that way, when you’re both on the same page, then you can commiserate about how your
cousin always tries to one-up you or maybe even save you from those awkward conversations
with Paw Paw.
Number two: Plan a “time out”.
Now listen, it’s a busy time.
You might feel pressure to always be involved and always engaged and
capitalizing on every second.
But honestly, that’s pretty draining.
And it can make time with your family seem more like a chore rather than a Hallmark moment,
you know what I mean?
So carve out a little quiet time.
Maybe that means saying “no” to a few planned activities or
disappearing for a few minutes.
But it’ll make the whole time more enjoyable for you and everyone else in the long run.
Number three: Have realistic expectations.
It can be tempting to imagine your family time will be perfect.
But let’s face it, even if you behave flawlessly yourself, there’s a good chance that your
family won’t miraculously change.
History can tell us a lot about what will happen in the future.
So take a hard look at your family members and...well...
Anticipate that they will be themselves.
Now, if your mother has a breakdown every year while baking the turkey,
she’ll probably have another one this year.
So before the holidays, spend a little time visualizing a realistic image of what that
might look like and how you hope to deal with it.
Then, if the inevitable doesn’t happen…
Well...then you can be happily surprised!
Number four: Change the topic.
Now, his can be difficult if a person is insistent, but if you find yourself confronted with an
unpleasant conversation, it might be best to change the subject.
The easiest way to do this is actually through tangents.
So, for example, when your brother starts to rage about traffic and how much he hates
human beings, well you can shift the topic by talking about how you’ve really gotten
into bike riding or maybe talking about that new Tesla that just came out.
This can get you out of some really sticky situations without
ending the conversation altogether.
I mean, after all, you might actually really enjoy talking with your brother, but
really dislike his anger management issues.
Number five: Sidestep.
Stressful family interactions may find you whether you want them to or not.
Most likely not.
However, that doesn’t mean that you have to take that psychological or emotional pressure.
So, when your uncle starts to veer into an uncomfortable conversation about chemtrails
or if your grandma starts asking you about when you’re gonna start having kids,
sidestep the conversation.
By that, I mean walk away.
Literally.
I mean, not in an angry way, but because you suddenly remember that you have something
that you have to take care of or maybe you hear something that takes you out of the conversation.
Now you want to be kind of careful with this one.
You want to do it in a tactful way so that it’s not obvious and so you’re not
hurting the other person, but
it can be a useful tool for getting you out of those holiday-ruining conversations.
Number six: Try the grey rock method.
Do you have abusive, controlling, manipulative, or just
extremely dramatic family members in your life?
Well that sucks.
You probably notice that these toxic family members seem to purposefully try to provoke
a reaction from you.
They want to escalate the situation.
They want to rile you up and they want to stress you out.
It’s like they feed off of the drama.
And in that case, it may be appropriate to “grey rock” them.
What that?
Well, it’s not really a formal method, but the idea behind the grey rock method is to
be as boring, uninteresting, and unengaged as possible.
Samanda: (laughing) Okay, alright.
Toxic Family Member: Hey Samanda, how are things, huh?
How’s it going?
Well I heard you’ve been looking for a new job, huh?
Let me guess, your coworkers driving you nuts or uh…
Come on, gimme the scoop.
What’s going on?
Something going on with your boss?
No, they’re fine.
Work’s pretty good.
Oh well, then why are you looking for a new job, huh?
There must be some reason.
Just seems like time.
Oh yeah, I get that.
I left my last job after my peach of a boss accused me of stealing money out of the register.
I mean, imagine that.
Like I need his grubby money anyway.
Anyway, I threatened to sue him and sure enough, his tune changed.
I mean, he was singing like a bird.
Needless to say, I got out of there quick.
Well it sounds like things are better now.
Well they would be if I could get some peace and quiet at home.
I mean, I’m sure you know what I’m talking about, right, with the old “ball and chain”,
am I right?
I’m not sure, sorry.
Heh…
Hey Mark!
See?
Like a boring grey rock.
Now by doing this, you purposefully don’t give the person what they want.
And they may quickly move on to something...or someone else after they realize you are not
a good target anymore.
Bonus Round!
Now, if you have a big event taking place in your house, you may have some more control
on the situation.
If you have the time and the motivation, here’s some rapid-fire suggestions to set the tone
and nip problems in the bud.
If there’s family beef, call the folks ahead of time and ask them to put it aside for the day.
Maybe make some...I don’t know, ground rules for the house and send a message to your family
members about certain topics that are “off limits”.
You could invite an outsider to an event to put people on their best behavior and break
up the normal family dynamic.
And consider not having alcohol.
It seems to cause problems...sometimes...a lot.
Listen, part of the reason so many people struggle with this kind of stuff is because
even though your family may stress you out or actually hurt you,
you probably love these people.
And even though they express it in their own overwhelming or irritating or bewildering
and idiosyncratic ways, they probably love you too.
But at the end of the day, realize that it’s not your responsibility, nor necessarily within
your power, to change these people.
So for now, take care of yourself.
And enjoy the holiday!
Thanks for watching and until next time, I’m Micah.
Think about it.