>> James: WELCOME BACK. OUR NEXT GUEST IS A BRILLIANT
STAND-UP COMEDIAN AND HOST OF THE "FRIDAY NIGHT GREG" PODCAST.
WE'RE HONORED HE'S CHOSEN OUR SHOW TO MAKE HIS LATE-NIGHT
DEBUT. PLEASE WELCOME THE WONDERFUL,
GREG STONE. >> ALL RIGHT.
HOW ARE WE DOING? I JUST HAD A BABY, I JUST HAD A
BABY. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> IT IS KILLING ME. I'M 22 YEARS OLD.
I GOT MARRIED, I DON'T HAVE A RING ON, I SWALLOWED IT.
THE PREGNANCY, THE PREGNANCY WAS CRAZY.
I WAS ON STAGE PERFORMING WHEN MY WIFE WENT INTO LABOR.
I WAS ON STAGE. I WALKED OFF.
I HAD 22 MISSED PHONE CALLS FROM MY WIFE.
YEAH. I CALLED HER.
I WAS LIKE WHAT'S UP? SHE GOES DON'T FREAK OUT, MY
WATER BROKE, JUST GET HOME WHEN YOU CAN.
SO I FREAKED OUT. I JUMPED IN A CAB, I WAS LIKE
HEY MAN, MY WIFE JUST WENT INTO LABOR, YOU GOT TO GET ME HOME.
THE CAB DRIVER TURNS AROUND AND GOES, I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS
MY WHOLE LIFE. HE WENT 150 MILES AN HOUR ON THE
WILLIAMSBURG BRIDGE, THE WIFE SON THE PHONE, DON'T WORRY,
WE'VE GOT TIME. HE'S LIKE WE'VE GOT NO TIME.
YEAH! JUMPED THE HUDSON.
I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING. WE GET HOME, HE PULLS IN FRONT
OF MY HOUSE, SHUT THE METER OFF, HE GOES GET YOUR WIFE, I'M
TAKING BOTH TO THE HOSPITAL. MY WIFE WAS LIKE WHO IS THAT.
IS WITH LIKE THAT IS MAMI DID. THAT IS THE NEW GODFATHER.
(APPLAUSE) SOMEONE STEL MY BROTHER HE'S
OUT. YEAH, I WAS KIDDING ABOUT THE
RING THING, I WAS WITH MY WIFE 14 YEARS, NEVER CHEATED BUT FLA
IS NOT SOMETHING I SHOULD BE PROUD OF.
ALSO CUZ LIKE NO ONE IS ASKK. ME BEING PROUD OF NOT CHEATING
FEELS VERY SIMILAR, I USED TO WATCH BASKETBALL WITH MY DAD, HE
WAS LIKE I WOULD NEVER PLAY FOR THE KNICKSES, YEAH, WE'RE NOT IN
THE DRAFT. CRAZY, MAN, THE PREGNANCY WAS
WILD. IT WAS THE HORMONES WENT TO MY
WIFE'S BRAIN FOR NINE MONTH, SHE WAS A PSYCHO.
IT WAS GREAT, I LOVED IT. BUT LIKE SHE WOULD YELL AT ME
AND I AM JUST LIKE I CAN'T YELL BACK, THERE SAY HOSS TAJ IN
THERE. SOMETHING ISN'T RIGHT.
I LOVED IT. IT WAS FUN, ONE NIGHT, SIX
MONTHS, SIX MONTHS INTO THE PREGNANCY WE'RE LAYING IF BED.
A MOSQUITO BITES HER ON THE NOSE.
SHE WAKES ME UP. SHE GOES YOU DON'T COME BOOK TO
BED TILL YOU'VE KILLED THIS THING.
NOW I HAVE TO FIENGD A MOSS-- MOSQUITO IN THE MIDDLE OF
THE NIGHT IN THE COMPLETE DARKNESS, QUNTD EVEN PUT THE
LIGHTS OUT, SMELL HIM OUT, SMELLING OUT A MOSS-- MOSQUITO
FOR EIGHT DAYS, WAKES UP, GET T KNOCKING PICTURES OFF THE WALL.
AND I REMEMBER, IT WAS EIGHT DAYS.
BECAUSE ON THE 8th DAY I WAS LAYING IN BED, ON MY PHONE, THE
MOSQUITO LANDS ON MY PHONE, I KILLED IT.
AND I WAS SOCIAL SIGHTED I WOKE MY WIFE UP, LOOK, I GOT HIM.
AND SHE LOOKS AT ME AND GOES, WIPE IT ON THE WALL.
SHOW THEM WHAT HAPPENS. WHEN THEY COME FOR MY FAMILY.
WHAT? OKAY, MAMA BEAR, SO THERE I AM,
A NORMAL CITIZEN SMEARING MOSQUITO BLOOD ON THE WALL AS A
WARNING TO OTHER MOSQUITOES. LIKE WE CAN'T BE HERE, LOOK WHAT
THEY DID TO JERRY, JUST RUN. ANYWAY, I DIDN'T WANT TO DEAL
WITH THIS. I NEVER WANT TO DEAL WITH THIS
AGAIN, I SO I WAS LIKE DO YOU WILL A THE RESEARCH I K I FOUND
THIS OUT, MOSQUITO LIFE SPAN, IT IS ONLY TEN DAYS, IT BOTHERED US
FOR EIGHT. ALL I HAD TO DO WAS WAIT HIM OUT
TWO MORE DAYS. THEN I REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT T
MANS, THAT MOSQUITO BOTHERED MY WIFE AND I FOR A WEEK AND A DAY
BUT FOR THAT MOSQUITO, I WAS HUNTING HIM HIS WHOLE LIFE.
HE MADE A MISTAKE AS A CHILD AND THEN JUST LIVED HIS LIFE ON THE
RUN. ALL HE KNEW WAS ME THIS IMMORTAL
BEAST TRYING TO MURDER HIM WITH THIS VENDETTA, WHEN HE LANDED ON
THAT PHONE HE WAS LIKE, I'M TIRED OF RUNNING.
I CAN'T LIP MY LIFELIKE THIS ANY MORE.
AND I LOOKED AT HIM LIKE MY NAME IS INIGO MONTOYA, YOU BIT MY
WIFE, PREPARE TO DIE. AND I MURDERED A SENIOR CITIZEN,
AND WIPED HIS BLOOD ON THE WALL, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I'M GREK STONE. -- GREG STONE.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> THAT IS NOTHING T IS NOTHING
STAIRKS LITTLE SOMETHING. >> LOOK AT THAT.
THE FIRST COMEDIAN ON THE "LATE, LATE SHOW" TO GIVE ME FIVE BUCKS
AFTER HIS SET. GREG STONE, EVERYBODY.
CHECK OUT HIS BRILLIANT PODCAST, FRIDAY NIGHT GREG.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. >> THAT WAS SO GOOD.