♪ ♪ ♪
>> Reggie: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ALL THE WAY FROM
MOTOWN, GIVE IT UP FOR YOUR HOST, THE ONE, THE ONLY JAMES
CORDEN!
[ MUSIC ] [ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
>> James: THANK YOU.
YOU'RE VERY KIND.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ] GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, AND WELCOME TO "THE LATE LATE SHOW."
THANK YOU FOR STAYING UP FOR US.
LOTS OF NEWS, SO LET'S GET INTO IT.
NOW, AS YOU KNOW, PRESIDENT TRUMP FREQUENTLY LASHES OUT AT
THE MEDIA, CALLING IT "FAKE NEWS."
WELL TODAY, CLOSE TO 350 NEWSPAPERS ACROSS THE UNITED
STATES COORDINATED TO PUBLISH EDITORIALS CRITICIZING TRUMP'S
ATTACKS.
350 NEWSPAPERS RAN THESE EDITORIALS!
THAT HAS TO BE LIKE 800 READERS!
[ LAUGHTER ] ALL OF THESE NEWSPAPERS
COORDINATED TOGETHER.
BECAUSE NOTHING WILL CONVINCE TRUMP THAT THE MEDIA ISN'T
ALIGNED AGAINST HIM QUITE LIKE EVERY NEWSPAPER RUNNING
ANTI-TRUMP EDITORIALS ON THE SAME DAY.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND JUST TO MAKE SURE THAT TRUMP
SEES THEM ALL, EACH EDITORIAL BEGINS WITH "TWO FOR ONE BIG
MACS."
[ LAUGHTER ] GOT TO GRAB 'EM.
YOU'VE GOT TO GRAB 'EM!
MOVING ON, IN AN INTERVIEW YESTERDAY, WHILE DISCUSSING HOW
HE'LL BE GOING OUT ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL FOR THE MIDTERM
ELECTIONS, PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID, "I THINK THE DEMOCRATS GIVE UP
WHEN I TURN OUT."
[ LAUGHTER ] ONLY DONALD TRUMP WOULD CONSIDER
IT A COMPLIMENT THAT PEOPLE GET DEPRESSED WHENEVER HE'S AROUND.
[ LAUGHTER ] HE SAID "DEMOCRATS GIVE UP WHEN
I TURN OUT."
I DIDN'T REALIZE TRUMP'S INTERVIEW WITH THE "WALL STREET
JOURNAL" WAS CONDUCTED IN THE FORM OF A RAP BATTLE.
[ LAUGHTER ] THEY GIVE UP WHEN I TURN OUT.
TRUMP WENT ON TO SAY THAT HE WILL BE GOING ON THE ROAD AND
MAKING 50 CAMPAIGN STOPS, BUT HE HAS, "NO PROBLEM WITH THAT."
YOU KNOW WHO ELSE DOESN'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
MELANIA.
[ LAUGHTER ] "GO, GO, TAKE ALL THE TIME YOU
NEED.
MAKE 100 STOPS!
SEE THE SIGHTS!
" IN OTHER TRUMP NEWS, YESTERDAY,
THE PRESIDENT'S LAWYER RUDY GIULIANI SAID HE'S LOSING
PATIENCE WITH SPECIAL COUNSEL ROBERT MUELLER'S RUSSIA
INVESTIGATION, AND URGED MUELLER TO, "WRITE THE DAMN REPORT."
RUDY GIULIANI IS LOSING HIS PATIENCE.
WHICH WOULD BE A SHAME.
YOU'D HATE FOR HIM TO LOSE ANYTHING ELSE --
[ LAUGHTER ] -- HE'S ALREADY LOST HIS DIGNITY
AND HIS REPUTATION AND HIS MARBLES!
GIULIANI ALSO SAID, "IF HE DOESN'T GET IT DONE IN THE NEXT
TWO OR THREE WEEKS WE WILL JUST UNLOAD ON HIM LIKE A TON OF
BRICKS."
AND THEY'RE GOING TO GET THAT TON OF BRICKS FROM ONE OF
TRUMP'S FAILED CONSTRUCTION PROJECTS.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
I MEAN, PRESUMABLY, AT SOME POINT, MUELLER'S GOING TO COME
OUT AND MAKE SOME KIND OF PUBLIC STATEMENT.
BUT WHAT WOULD THAT EVEN BE LIKE?
I FEEL WE'VE BEEN WAITING SO LONG, IT'S HARD TO IMAGINE...
>> WE ARE IN WASHINGTON, AWAITING THE APPEARANCE OF
ROBERT MUELLER TO ANNOUNCE HIS FINAL FINDINGS IN THE--
THERE'S ROBERT MUELLER, LOOKING EVEN TALLER AND THINNER THAN
USUAL.
LET'S GO TO HIM LIVE.
>>.
>> GOOD MORNING.
♪ WELL, YOU'VE BEEN PRAYING SO HARD
♪ AND YOU'VE BEEN WAITING SO LONG
♪ YOU'VE BEEN BEGGING ME FOR JUSTICE
♪ AND TO RIGHT THIS NATION'S WRONG
♪ WELL TODAY THOSE PRAYERS ARE ANSWERED
♪ AND YOU'RE GONNA HEAR IT FIRST
♪ CAUSE IT'S WITH PLEASURE AND EXCITEMENT
♪ THAT I'M ANNOUNCING MY INDICTMENT
♪ I HEREBY CHARGE THE PRESIDENT WITH BEING
♪ JUST THE WORST I'M INDICTING HIM
♪ FOR RIGGING AN ELECTION IN A CONSPIRACY THAT
♪ STILL IS UNDERWAY I'M INDICTING HIM
♪ FOR PAYING OFF A PORNOGRAPHIC ACTRESS
♪ WHO COULD NEVER SCREW AS MANY MEN
♪ AS HE DOES EVERY DAY I'M INDICTING HIM
♪ FOR SEPARATING PARENTS FROM THEIR CHILDREN AND
♪ THE CIVIL-RIGHTS PROTECTIONS HE'S REVERSED
♪ BUT MOSTLY I'M DELIGHTED
♪ TO ANNOUNCE THAT HE'S INDICTED
♪ ON A THOUSAND COUNTS OF BEING
♪ JUST THE WORST I'M INDICTING HIM FOR
♪ TREACHERY AND TREASON BEING TREASONOUS
♪ IS WHAT HE'S ALL ABOUT I'M INDICTING HIM
♪ FOR BEING SO FAR UP IN PUTIN'S RECTUM
♪ IT WOULD TAKE A VODKA ENEMA
♪ TO EVER FLUSH HIM OUT I'M INDICTING HIM FOR LOOKING
♪ LIKE A SYPHILITIC APRICOT WITH ROTTEN, SCALY SKIN
♪ ABOUT TO BURST HE'S THE MAN
♪ YOU WANT TO FIRE BUT I'M PREACHING TO THE CHOIR
♪ HE'S THE WORST, WORST WORST, WORST, WORST!
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ NOW WE FINALLY CAN REACH HIM
WE'LL INDICT HIM AND IMPEACH HIM ♪ AND THEN SENTENCE
HIM TO PRISON ♪ GOTTA FIGURE THAT'LL TEACH HIM
HALLELUJAH, ♪ LET THE GOOD NEWS
BE DISPERSED ♪ MR. PRESIDENT
IF I MAY BE COMPLETELY CANDID ♪ I CAUGHT YOU RED
AND TINY HANDED ♪ IN THE ACT OF BEING
A LAW-DEFYING ♪ NON-COMPLYING
TRUTH-DENYING ♪ DIRTY LYING
RUSSIAN-SPYING ♪ ABSOLUTELY
HORRIFYING WORST ♪ AMEN
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ] >> James: I GUESS WE'LL SEE
WHAT HAPPENS.