WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL, GOOD TO SEE YOU. IN
HERE, OUT THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD, TO "LATE SHOW"."
COLBERT. CHECK YOUR CALENDARS I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN BECAUSE IT
IS THE FIRST DAY OF HISPANIC HERITAGE MONTH.
( APPLAUSE ) RESILIENCE, INFLUENCE,
AND CULTURAL CONTRIBUTIONS OF HISPANIC AMERICANS IN THE MIDDLE
OF A MONTH, BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS "APPRECIATION" QUITE LIKE, "OH,
DAMN, IT'S THE 15th ALREADY? UM, OKAY, YOUR MONTH STARTS NOW!
ONE GUY WHO'S GOT AN ODD WAY LO SIENTO." OF
CELEBRATING HISPANIC HERITAGE IS FLORIDA GOVERNOR RON DeSANTIS
( BOOING ) SEEN HERE SAYING, "HE IS
SPARTACUS! GET HIM!"
YESTERDAY, DeSANTIS FLEW TWO PLANES OF HISPANIC IMMIGRANTS TO
MARTHA'S VINEYARD. HEY, RON, IF YOU'RE TRYING TO
DISCOURAGE IMMIGRATION, MAYBE DON'T SEND PEOPLE TO ONE OF THE
LOVELIEST PARTS OF NEW ENGLAND JUST IN TIME FOR LEAF PEEPING
SEASON. ( APPLAUSE )
SIT DOWN AND ENJOY THE HEAR ME? HAYRIDE!"
OF COURSE, DeSANTIS WASN'T SENDING THESE FOLKS TO THE
VINEYARD TO HAVE A GOOD TIME. HE WAS HUMAN TRAFFICKING THESE
FAMILIES AS A POLITICAL STUNT. JUST LIKE IT SAYS ON THE STATUE
TIRED, YOUR POOR, YOUR HUDDLED OF LIBERTY: "GIVE US YOUR MASSES
YEARNING TO-- PSYCH! YOU JUST GOT 'LIBER-T'D!'"
( APPLAUSE ) I GUESS SO.
IN FACT, FLORIDA OFFICIALS WHY NOT. LIED
TO THESE PEOPLE AND TOLD THEM THEY WERE GOING TO BOSTON.
MASSACHUSETTS OFFICIALS THAT AND THEY DIDN'T TELL THE
PLANES WERE COMING. BUT LOCAL RESIDENTS RESPONDED.
AS THE TOWN'S STATE REPRESENTATIVE TWEETED, "OUR
ISLAND JUMPED INTO ACTION PUTTING TOGETHER 50 BEDS, GIVING
PROVIDING A PLAY AREA FOR THE EVERYONE A GOOD MEAL, CHILDREN,
MAKING SURE PEOPLE HAVE THE HEALTHCARE AND SUPPORT THEY
NEED. ( APPLAUSE )
IMMIGRANTS." YEAH, DeSANTIS TOGETHER TO SUPPORT OWNED THE LIBS BY
COMPASSIONATE, JUST LIKE THAT MAKING THEM LOOK CUCK JESUS.
SEND THAT GUY A TRUCKLOAD OF LEPERS,SEE HOW HE LIKES IT!
OF COURSE, DeSANTIS'S HATE -STUNT DON'T COME CHEAP.
THIS YEAR, THE STATE OF FLORIDA'S BUDGET FOR THIS KIND
OF STUFF IS $12 MILLION. YOU KNOW, MAYBE WITH GLOBAL
WARMING AND ALL, I'M GONNA SAY FLORIDA SHOULD BE SPENDING THAT
MONEY ON SOMETHING MORE USEFUL, LIKE SNORKELS, OR WATERPROOF
METH. FOR THE GATORS.
IT'S FOR THE GATORS. DON'T-- DON'T COME BETWEEN A
THERE'S SOME EXCITING NEWS GATOR AND HIS METH. ABOUT
HAPPENING. BECAUSE THIS A THING I DIDN'T SEE MORNING, THE WHITE
HOUSE ANNOUNCED THAT IT HAS REACHED A TENTATIVE AGREEMENT TO
AVERT A NATIONAL RAIL STRIKE. AT LEAST, WE THINK THEY DID.
BECAUSE LIKE ALL TRAIN ANNOUNCEMENTS, IT SOUNDED LIKE
THIS: ( STATIC NOISES )
ASKING FOR SICK LEAVE, AND NEGOTIATIONS WENT DOWN TO THE
WIRE, WITH THE FINAL STAGES BEGINNING YESTERDAY MORNING AND
LASTING 20 HOURS, UNTIL PRESIDENT BIDEN CALLED IN AROUND
THIS IS WHAT JOE BIDEN WAS 9:00 P.M. MADE
FOR: TRAINS, UNIONS, TALKING FOR 20 HOURS!
THE ONLY WAY THIS SITUATION COULD'VE BEEN MORE JOE BIDEN
NEGOTIATOR WAS AN ICE CREAM READY WAS IF THE LEAD CONE WEARING
IN FACT, WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF AVIATORS. THE
MOMENT THE UNION LEADER INVITED THE PRESIDENT IN.
>> RELEASE THE BIDEN! CHOO-CHOO!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: BIDEN SAID IN A
STATEMENT THAT THE AGREEMENT WOULD GIVE WORKERS "BETTER PAY,
IMPROVED WORKING CONDITIONS, AND PEACE OF MIND AROUND THEIR
PLUS, AS MANY FLATTENED HEALTHCARE COSTS." PENNIES
THIS DEAL WAS A CHANCE FOR AS THEY WANT. BIDEN
TO PROVE HE SUPPORTS UNIONS. HE'S CERTAINLY TALKED ABOUT
IT A LOT, LIKE ON LABOR DAY: >> YOU'RE THE BEST LABORERS IN
THE WORLD. YOU BUILD THE BEST PRODUCT.
JOKING. >> Stephen: YOU'RE NOT AND NO, NO, I'M NOT JUST JOKING?
BUT, MR. PRESIDENT, ARE YOU JUST SAYING THAT?
>> I'M NOT JUST SAYING THAT. >> Stephen: OKAY.
BUT WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT UNION AUTO WORKERS?
MOST SKILLED AUTOWORKERS IN >> WE'RE LUCKY TO HAVE THE THE
WORLD. >> Stephen: OKAY, THAT'S GOTTA
BE HYPERBOLE. >> THAT'S NOT HYPERBOLE.
YOU DON'T THINK THAT UNIONS >> Stephen: BUT SURELY, SIR, BUILT
MORE THAN JUST OUR TRANSIT SYSTEM?
>> UNIONS BUILT THE MIDDLE CLASS.
>> Stephen: REALLY? CAN WE FACT CHECK THAT?
>> THAT'S A FACT. THAT'S A FACT.
>> Stephen: YOU GOTTA BE JOKING! >> I'M NOT JOKING.
>> Stephen: I FORGOT. I FORGOT.
YOU'RE NOT JOKING. NOW I JUST FEEL STUPID.
>> YOU'RE THE BEST IN THE WORLD. >> Stephen: THANK YOU,
MR. PRESIDENT. VERY NICE OF YOU TO SAY.
( APPLAUSE ) FAR-RIGHT COLORADO
REPRESENTATIVE AND HOMECOMING QUEEN OF FURY ROAD HIGH, LAUREN
BOEBERT. LAST
LAST WEEK, BOEBERT WAS READING A BIBLE PASSAGE AT A CONFERENCE
WHEN THIS HAPPENED: >> "AND THEN, ALL HELL BROKE
LOOSE. RAMPANT EVIL, GRABBING AND
BACKSTABBING. THEY MADE LIFE GRASPING, VICIOUS HELL ON EARTH
KILLING." I DON'T KNOW WHAT A WITH THEIR ENVY WONTON "WONTON
KILLING" IS. I'M GONNA HAVE TO LOOK THAT
ONE UP. >> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW WHAT
THAT IS, EITHER, BUT IF ANYONE EVER WITNESSES A WONTON KILLING,
YOU KNOW WHO YOU HAVE TO CALL: >> NANCY PELOSI'S GAZPACHO
POLICE. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: IT'S TRUE. IT COOLS IT DOWN.
GAZPACHO POLICE COOL DOWN THE SITUATION OF THE WANTON KILLER.
THE PRIMARIES ARE OVER, AND WITH CONTROL OF THE SENATE UP FOR
PLAYED IT SAFE AND NOMINATED GRABS, REPUBLICAN VOTERS THE
KOOKIEST, ZANIEST CONSPIRACY WACKOS THIS SIDE OF NUTSO BANANA
JUNCTION. FOR INSTANCE, NEW HAMPSHIRE
REPUBLICAN AND MAN DEMANDING YOU SALUTE HIS BELT, DON BOLDUC.
BOLDUC IS SO MAGA CRAZY, EVEN NEW HAMPSHIRE'S REPUBLICAN
GOVERNOR DESCRIBED HIM AS A "CONSPIRACY-THEORIST EXTREMIST."
BOLDUC IS POLLING BEHIND HIS MODERATE DEMOCRATIC OPPONENT,
WHICH COULD BE WHY BOLDUC WENT ON TV TODAY, AND WHEN CONFRONTED
WITH WHAT HE SAID IN THE PRIMARIES, DID THIS:
>> THERE'S THIS, FROM AUGUST 14th, WHEN YOU HAD A DEBATE.
WATCH HERE. >> I SIGNED A LETTER WITH 120
OTHER GENERALS AND ADMIRALS SAYING THAT TRUMP WON THE
ELECTION, AND, DAMMIT, I STAND BY MY LETTER.
>> DO YOU STAND BY THAT TODAY? >> SO... YOU KNOW... WE, UH,
WE... WE, UH, YOU KNOW... LIVE AND LEARN, RIGHT?
>> Stephen: (AS BOLDUC) "SO, UH, SO, UH, WE, UH... YOU
KNOW, UH, WE... UH, WE.... UH WE, MAH-WAY, UH WE MAH-WAY...
( TO TUNE OF "LION SLEEPS ♪ UH WE MAH-WAY, UH WE MAH -WAY,
IN NEW HAMPSHIRE, THE NEWEST HAMPSHIRE,
THE LIAR SPEAKS TONIGHT ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
INTERRUPTED, YOU WERE DESPERATELY HEDGING?
>> I'VE DONE A LOT OF RESEARCH ON THIS, AND I SPENT THE PAST
COUPLE OF WEEKS TALKING TO GRANITE STATERS ALL OVER THE
STATE FROM, YOU KNOW, EVERY PARTY, AND I HAVE COME TO THE
CONCLUSION-- AND I WANT TO BE DEFINITIVE ON THIS.
THE ELECTION WAS NOT STOLEN. >> Stephen: WOW, NORMALLY, TO
SEE THAT MUCH BACKPEDALING YOU HAVE TO WATCH THE TOUR DE FRANCE
ON REWIND. ( LAUGHTER )
CRAZIES ARE GETTING THEIR CUES FROM FORMER PRESIDENT OPTIMUS
CRIME. ( LAUGHTER )
REVELATIONS ABOUT THAT LAST WE'RE GETTING SOME NEW GUY,
IN A BOOK CALLED "THE DIVIDER" BY
PETER BAKER AND SUSAN GLASSER. ACCORDING TO THE BOOK, THE
FORMER PRESIDENT TOLD JORDAN'S KING ABDULLAH THAT HE WOULD GIVE
HIM THE WEST BANK. FIRST OF ALL, YOU CAN'T PROMISE
TO GIVE AWAY SOMETHING YOU DON'T OWN.
"HEY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, I GOT YOU YOUR NEIGHBOR'S TRUCK.
YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO CHANGE THE PLATES.
AND HAUL ASS. HERE HE COMES!"
BANK IS FULL OF PALESTINIANS, HERE'S THE THING, THE WEST AND
PALESTINIANS IN JORDAN HAVE REPEATEDLY TRIED TO OVERTHROW
THE MONARCHY, SO WHEN HE HEARD THE OFFER, KING ABDULLAH WAS
LESS THAN THRILLED, SAYING, "I THOUGHT I WAS HAVING A HEART
ATTACK. I COULDN'T BREATHE.
I WAS BENT DOUBLED-OVER." OKAY, SOUNDS BAD, OR MAYBE
THAT'S JUST WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SOME PEOPLE GET A GIFT.
WE ALL REMEMBER THAT FAMOUS JEWELRY COMMERCIAL:
>> EVERY KISS BEGINS WITH... KAAAHH!!
MY HEART!! ( SOUND OF FALLING )
ALSO-- ( APPLAUSE )
REVELATIONS ABOUT THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S ONE-TIME CHIEF OF
STAFF JOHN KELLY, SEEN HERE TOO TIRED TO PUNCH HIMSELF IN
THE FACE. ( LAUGHTER )
AT ONE POINT, WHEN HE REFUSED FORMER PRESIDENT. TO
LOWER THE FLAG AFTER SENATOR JOHN McCAIN'S DEATH, KELLY TOLD
JOHN McCAIN'S FUNERAL, WHEN HIM, "IF YOU DON'T SUPPORT YOU DIE,
THE PUBLIC WILL COME TO YOUR GRAVE AND PISS ON IT."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GOTTA STAY HYDRATED.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE QUEEN LATIFAH AND JOURNALIST NINA TOTENBERG.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
STICK AROUND. ♪ ♪ ♪