WOW.
WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS AN EMMY AWARD
WINNING ACTOR WHO STARS IN "SUPERSTORE."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW, AMERICA FERRERA.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HIGHWAY ARE YOU?
>> I'M GOOD.
>> Stephen: YOU LOOK GOOD.
ALWAYS NICE TO HAVE YOU HERE.
IT'S YOUR THIRD TIME ON THE SHOW, I THINK?
>> IT IS.
>> Stephen: ONE OF THESE FREQUENT CARDS WE PUNCH OUT.
>> WHAT DO I GET?
>> Stephen: A FREE SUB, I THINK.
LEGALLY, ALL OF THOSE CARDS HAVE TO BE PAID OFF WITH A FREE SUB.
THE LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE WAS IN THE BEFORE TIMES.
YOU WERE HERE IN SEPTEMBER OF 2016.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE BEEN CHECKING THE NEWS.
SINCE NOVEMBER.
BUT YOU WERE A BIG CLINTON SUPPORTER.
YOU WERE OUT THERE ON THE STUMP.
>> I WAS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: FOR THE SECRETARY
AT THE TIME.
HOW-- HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?
HOW HAVE YOU BEEN DEALING WITH REALITY?
>> UHM, WELL, FOR A WHILE, NOT DEALING.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> YOU HAVE TO COPE THE WAY YOU CAN.
>> Stephen: SURE.
I HAVE A BAR.
>> YOU HAVE A WHAT.
>> Stephen: I HAVE A BAR IN MY OFFICE.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> AND THEN, YOU KNOW, THEN WE HAD TO GET BACK TO WORK AND, YOU
KNOW, FIGURE OUT WHAT WAS NEXT AND GALVANIZE OUR COLLEAGUES AND
OUR FRIENDS AND OUR FAMILIES, AND FIGURE OUT HOW ARE WE GOING
TO PROTECT PEOPLE?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: GOOD LUCK.
THANK YOU FOR DOING THAT.
LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE, YOU WERE ALSO-- YOU WERE ALSO
BRANCHING UP ON THE IN ANOTHER WAY.
LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE YOU JUST FINISHED YOUR FIRST TRIATHLON.
>> I DID.
>> Stephen: NOW YOU'VE DONE YOUR SECOND TRIATHLON.
>> I DID.
>> Stephen: AND YOU'RE ON THE COVER OF "TRIATHLETE" MAGAZINE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WHICH I'M NOT SURE I'M EVEN ALLOWED TO SUBSCRIBE
TO, GIVEN THE SHAME I'M IN.
WHAT DO YOU GET OUT OF IT?
IS IT LIKE-- IS IT ONE OF THOSE THINGS IT'S SO GREET WHEN IT'S
OVER THAT YOU FEEL GOOD?
LIKE "KEEP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE.
IT FEELS WONDERFUL WHEN YOU STOP?"
WHAT IS IT ABOUT THE TRIATHLON THAT DRAWS YOU?
IT MAKES ME WEEK LOOKING AT THIS.
>> THAT SURPRISES ME.
I PICTURED MYSELF ON THE COVER OF A LOT OF MAGAZINES.
"TRIATHLETE" MAGAZINE WAS NOT ONE OF THEM.
FOR ME, IT'S THIS THING I'LL NEVER BE GREAT AT, SO IT TAKES
THE PRESSURE OFF.
I GET TO JUST DO IT AND HAVE FUN --
>> Stephen: BUT FINISHING ONE MEANS YOU'RE GREAT AT IT.
I MEAN-- HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE DONE A TRIATHLON HERE.
( LIGHT APPLAUSE ) YOU'RE LIARS.
WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?
HOW MANY MILES-- SWIMMING, BIKING?
>> SWIM A MILE IN THE OCEAN, WHICH IS SCARY.
>> Stephen: WITH SHARKS AND EVERYTHING.
>> SHARKS AREN'T REAL.
>> Stephen: SHARKS AREN'T REAL?
>> NOT REAL.
WE GET TO DECIDE WHAT'S REAL NOW.
>> Stephen: SURE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE UPSIDE.
>> THEN WE RIDE 25 MILES ON THE BIKE.
I GET SUPER BORED ON THE BIKE.
I START SINGING SUPER LOUD.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU ALLOWED TO HAVE MUSIC?
>> YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE MUSIC.
SO YOU HAVE TO MAKE YOUR OWN MUSIC.
>> Stephen: WOW.
>> AND I START SINGING MY BEYONCE REAL LOUD SO I CAN GET
THROUGH IT.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
>> AND THEN YOU RUN 6.2 MILES.
AND FOUR WEEKS BEFORE THIS TRIATHLON, I SPRAEND MY ANKLE.
>> Stephen: WHAT?
WHAT DID YOU DO?
>> I KNOW.
I WAS RUNNING AND I JUST, LIKE-- I SPRAINED MY ANKLE.
AND THEN I REHABBED IT, NOT KNOWING IF I WAS GOING TO BE
ABLE TO DO IT, AND I DID IT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YOU ALSO DO-- YOU
DO SOUL CYCLE.
I HEAR ABOUT THAT A LOT.
>> I DO.
>> Stephen: IS IT A CULT?
IT SOUNDS LEAK A CULT.
PEOPLE WHO GET INTO IT GET REALLY INTO IT.
THEY HAVE TO HAVE IT.
>> IT IS AN ALL-OR-NOTHING KIND OF THING.
YEAH, IT IS KULTI.
>> Stephen: WHAT HAPPENS IN THERE?
IS IT DARK?
>> IT'S DARK.
THERE ARE CANDLES.
THERE'S SWEAT AND A LOT OF TEARS SOMETIMES.
>> Stephen: THAT SOUNDS LIKE AN ORGY.
CANDLES, SWEAT AND TEARS.
( LAUGHTER ) HMMM...
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND, YOU KNOW, YOU DIRECTED AN EPISODE OF
"SUPERSTORE."
>> I DID SCWHR.
>> Stephen: THIS SEASON?
THE THIRD IS GOING?
>> THE THIRD SEASON IS GOING.
SO WE'LL BE BACK.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: WHAT WAS IT LIKE?
SO YOU'RE IN IT.
YOU'RE DIRECTING YOURSELF.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WHAT WOULD ACTOR YOU SAY TO DIRECTOR YOU.
WHAT DOES ACTOR YOU THINK TO DIRECTOR YOU?
>> ACTOR AMERICA SAYS TO DIRECTOR AMERICA LIKE, "CALM
DOWN.
TAKE A BREATH.
YOU'RE TELLING ME TOO MANY THINGS AT ONCE.
AND LET ME DO MY JOB."
THAT'S WHAT ACTOR AMERICA SAYS.
AND DIRECTOR AMERICA SAYS ACTOR AMERICA IS A DIVA AND SHE
DOESN'T LISTEN.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, ONE OF THE THINGS I-- I LOVE ABOUT
"SUPERSTORES MYSELF, REAL SUPER STORES, IS I LOVE THE
ANNOUNCEMENTS, KIND OF RANDOM ANNOUNCEMENTS HAPPENING ANY
TIME.
WHEN YOU'RE IN THERE TO BUY YOUR FRAEPT-PACK OF PAPER TOWELS.
YOU HEAR A RANDOM ANNOUNCEMENT AND YOU GO, "MAYBE I'LL BAY
BUYTHAT THING.
MAYBE I'LL GO TO AISLE FIVE.
I DIDN'T REALIZE I NEEDED THAT THING THEY TALKED ABOUT."
AND I LOVE THE OLD MICS THEY USE.
THEY STILL USE THESE TO TALK WITH THEM.
AND I WOULD LOVE RIGHT NOW WITH YOU, BECAUSE YOU'RE AN EXPERT AT
THIS AND YOU DIRECTED THIS SORT OF THING, IF WE COULD ACTUALLY
DO SOME RANDOM ANNOUNCEMENTS.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: THAT WOULD APPEAR IN A GIANT BOX STORE, OKAY?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: I'LL START.
AND WE'LL JUST SAY THEM INTO THESE.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: AND THESE ARE RANDOM ANNOUNCEMENTS THAT YOU
MIGHT HEAR AT A BOX STORE.
STEPHEN COLBERT AND MFERREIRA.
HERE YOU GO.
ATTENTION, PLEASE.
WE HAVE LOST A SIX-YEAR-OLD AT THE DESK, AND A 20-YEAR-OLD WHO
CAN'T DECIDE ON A MAJOR.
>> ATTENTION SHOPPERS: CAN RANDALL JENKINS PLEASE MAKE HIS
WAY TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE?
ALSO, CAN THE MANAGER PLEASE STOP MAKING ME CALL HIM THE
"PRINCIPAL"?
>> Stephen: ATTENTION, CUSTOMERS.
PLEASE STOP CALLING OUR PHARMACIST "DR. PILLS."
HE HAS A NAME.
IT'S DEREK.
DEREK PILLS.
( APPLAUSE ) >> ATTENTION SHOPPERS: WE HAVE
ROLLBACK PRICES ALL THE WAY BACK TO 1621.
SO ANYONE BUYING ELECTRONICS WILL BE BURNED FOR WITCHCRAFT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: ATTENTION CUSTOMERS: WE HAVE COMBINED THE FOLLOWING
AISLES INTO ONE MEGAAISLE: LIQUOR, HARDWARE, LIVE PETS, AND
FIREWORKS.
GO NUTS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> ATTENTION SHOPPERS: FREE
SAMPLES OF TERIYAKI CHICKEN ARE AVAILABLE IN AISLE TWO.
AND REMEMBER: EVERYTHING IS A FREE SAMPLE IF YOU'RE WILLING TO
SHOPLIFT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AMERICA FERRERA, EVERYBODY.