'I don't know who you are, but your timing is perfect.'
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘I bid you welcome to my kingdom.’
Produced by Roger Corman and with a fabulous poster by Boris Vallejo.
Deathstalker is a key film of the 1980s post-Conan the Barbarian sword and sorcery boom starring Mark Hill as the hero of the title.
‘Heroes and fools are the same thing.’
No argument here, with Lana Clarkson from out of Barbarian Queen
and Payboy’s Barbi Benton from X-Ray.
Both of which we have reviewed.
We open with some bow-legged bad guys kidnapping a girl, who already seems to have been kidnapped.
‘This just isn’t your day, is it?’
This is the film starting as it means to go on,
and I’m pretty sure the only camera direction for this scene and most of the others was,
make sure we can see her ass.
But now a hero steps in.
‘That’s my horse.’
Not the best opening line but he makes up for it, saving the girl…
for himself.
Some heroes would have let her go. But…
‘What do you want?’
‘Your name’
Dude, read the room!
‘This isn’t my day either’
Yeah, you’re definitely the victim here.
But in Deathstalker you’re never more than five minutes from the next pretty girl with nothing on.
‘I hope it’ll be as tasty as the one you’re enjoying.’
So having established our lead is a sex pest who can handle a sword,
or as they say in the 80s. #‘A hero’ #Heroic Fanfare# Let’s find out his mission. ‘A brave man could get inside Munker’s castle and kill him’ Munkar has kidnapped Princess Barbi Benton. ‘Things have changed since your father’s day, haven’t they princess.’ We’ve put in a water feature, she is locked in the girl room that most bad guys have, suffering from a chronic shortage of clothing and an overabundance of fetish activities. Munkar’s second crime is more sorcery related. ‘With sword and amulet you can etc’ To cut a boring story short, he can get unlimited power by uniting the three MacGuffins, he’s got two, Deathstalker is now given the 3rd.‘The 3rd power’ That was easy. The magic sword makes him invincible. ‘He who wears it cannot die.’ Neatly excising any jeopardy there might have been. In return for the sword he frees Salmaron, star of Tatooine’s Funniest Home Videos and who now becomes Elliot Gould. He’s the first of Deathstalker’s impromptu fellowship, followed by Oghris, in his bra-mour and a mysterious hooded figure. ‘Show yourself.’ Wow that is showing yourself. ‘I may be a woman’ May? You watch enough of these films, you get used to the women wearing next to nothing, but it is usually next to nothing. This looks like they gave Lana Clark’s costume to Oghris by mistake and just went with it. Though she does wear something more formal for the party later. They’ve now reached Munkar’s city where we’re treated to a behind the scenes look at the casting process. ‘Mmm… perfect’ At the party/orgy. There’s a vague sense that Jabba the Hutt was out of town for the weekend and the Gamorean guards decided to throw a kegger. The men – and Clark’s Kaira – are here to compete in a tournament, the winner inheriting Munkar’s kingdom. Except of course they won’t. ‘There will be no winner. And when the contest is over there will be no warrior alive who can defeat me.’ But for now, Munkar lets them fight over the Princess (38.07) Kaira steps up to try and save her. While Deathstalker. Waits until everyone else is fighting then steps in. Quite the victory. But he has at least saved her. ‘Were you planning on taking her with you?’ ‘For the night, anyway.’Ah yes, his standard policy on rescuing damsels in distress. ‘I’ll have her sent to your chamber when the excitement is over.’ We have room service. This gives Munkar an opportunity. Making his henchman look like the princess. ‘This is very uncomfortable’You should try watching it, because, to be honest, this just feels like a way of justifying some ‘heroic’ behaviour. Deathstalker is not fooled but Kaira is. ‘Let’s get you something wear and get you out of here’ I’m sorry but you’re the last person who should be tasked with finding something to wear. Kaira kills the henchman but is fatally wounded. Because she doesn’t have an invincibility sword. Meanwhile, Oghris reveals his true colours. ‘And this is now way to treat the man who brought you Deathstalker’ Leading to a face-off between him and Deathstalker. Get a room. Really feels like you could reach that). I don’t think it’s any great surprise that nothing can stop Deathstalker on his way to becoming He-Man. I have the power! Partly because he never puts himself in any danger and makes absolutely no attempt to rescue the princess, she saves herself. But also because he has a magic sword that makes him invincible. ‘With that sword in his hand he can’t be harmed’ When the only way to make your movie thrilling. Is for your hero to keep dropping his sword, maybe your basic premise is at fault. ‘You’ve ruined everything’ Normally at this point I would say there are 3 more Deathstalker films and if you’d like us to review them let us know in the comments below, but instead I’m going to say tune in next week for our review of Deathstalker 2! ‘I intend to’ Thanks for watching. To see an uncensored version of this review and boy was this one censored, join us on patreon as an acolyte. Deathstalker or Beastmaster? Let us know your preferred 80s sword and sorcery hero in the comments below.
‘A hero’
#Heroic Fanfare#
Let’s find out his mission.
‘A brave man could get inside Munker’s castle and kill him’
Munkar has kidnapped Princess Barbi Benton.
‘Things have changed since your father’s day, haven’t they princess.’
We’ve put in a water feature.
She is locked in the girl room that most bad guys have,
suffering from a chronic shortage of clothing and an overabundance of fetish activities.
Munkar’s second crime is more sorcery related.
‘With sword and amulet you can take the chalice and unite the three powers of creation.’
To cut a boring story short, he can get unlimited power by uniting the three MacGuffins,
he’s got two, Deathstalker is now given the 3rd.
'Deathstalker, catch.'
‘The 3rd power’
That was easy.
The magic sword makes him invincible.
‘He who wears it cannot die.’
Neatly excising any jeopardy there might have been.
In return for the sword he frees Salmaron, star of Tatooine’s Funniest Home Videos
and who now becomes Elliot Gould.
He’s the first of Deathstalker’s impromptu fellowship, followed by Oghris,
in his bra-mour
and a mysterious hooded figure.
‘Show yourself.’
Wow that is showing yourself.
‘I may be a woman.’
May?
You watch enough of these films, you get used to the women wearing next to nothing,
but it is usually next to nothing. #
This looks like they gave Lana Clark’s costume to Oghris by mistake and just went with it.
Though she does wear something more formal for the party later.
They’ve now reached Munkar’s city where we’re treated to a behind the scenes look at the casting process.
‘Mmm… perfect’
At the party/orgy. There’s a vague sense that Jabba the Hutt was out of town for the weekend
and the Gamorean guards decided to throw a kegger.
The men – and Clark’s Kaira – are here to compete in a tournament,
the winner inheriting Munkar’s kingdom.
Except of course they won’t.
‘There will be no winner. And when the contest is over there will be no warrior alive who can defeat me.’
But for now, Munkar lets them fight over the Princess.
Kaira steps up to try and save her.
While Deathstalker.
Waits until everyone else is fighting then steps in.
Quite the victory. But he has at least saved her.
‘Were you planning on taking her with you?’
‘For the night, anyway.’
Ah yes, his standard policy on rescuing damsels in distress.
‘I’ll have her sent to your chamber when the excitement is over.’
We have room service.
'Tonight you are more guests.'
This gives Munkar an opportunity.
'And you will kill Deathstalker tonight. He won't expect the princess.'
Making his henchman look like the princess.
'It's gone!'
‘This is very uncomfortable.’
You should try watching it, because, to be honest, this just feels like a way of justifying some ‘heroic’ behaviour.
'Who are you?'
Deathstalker is not fooled but Kaira is.
‘Let’s get you something wear and get you out of here’
I’m sorry but you’re the last person who should be tasked with finding something to wear.
Kaira kills the henchman but is fatally wounded.
Because she doesn’t have an invincibility sword. Meanwhile, Oghris reveals his true colours.
‘And this is now way to treat the man who brought you Deathstalker’
Leading to a face-off between him and Deathstalker.
Get a room.
Really feels like you could reach that.
I don’t think it’s any great surprise that nothing can stop Deathstalker on his way to becoming He-Man.
I have the power!
Partly because he never puts himself in any danger and makes absolutely no attempt to rescue the princess,
she saves herself.
But also because he has a magic sword that makes him invincible.
‘With that sword in his hand he can’t be harmed.’
When the only way to make your movie thrilling. Is for your hero to keep dropping his sword,
maybe your basic premise is at fault.
‘You’ve ruined everything’
Normally at this point I would say there are 3 more Deathstalker films and if you’d like us to review them let us know in the comments below,
but instead I’m going to say tune in next week for our review of Deathstalker 2!
‘I intend to’
Thanks for watching. To see an uncensored version of this review and boy was this one censored, join us on patreon as an acolyte.
Deathstalker or Beastmaster? Let us know your preferred 80s sword and sorcery hero in the comments below.
'You fool.'