Welcome to The Daily Show.
I'm Kal Penn.
Yo, it feels good to be back behind the desk--
[applause]
Because-- thank you.
Thank you.
Because look, you know what they
say about my sequels, right?
They're always better.
Don't fact check that.
All right, we got a great show for you tonight.
Zoya Akhtar will be here.
[applause]
Let's get into the headlines.
[music playing]
OK, let's kick things off with the insane sports news
from this weekend.
The LA Dodgers signed superstar, Shohei Ohtani,
to the biggest contract in all of sports
history, $700 million.
Wild, right?
That is $1 for every minute it takes to watch
one single baseball game.
[audience laughing]
And also, let me just say, it is so great
that Asian kids have another athlete to look up to,
am I right?
But let's acknowledge it's also a lot of pressure.
Dad, I got 100 on my chemistry test,
but only 80 on your fastball.
Go outside and practice.
[audience laughing]
But look, as crazy as this is, there
was another sports story that might be even more shocking.
Buffalo Bills, Head Coach, Sean McDermott,
is addressing old comments about the 9/11 terrorist
being a model for teamwork.
They were brought to light by an independent journalist.
The report said, at a team meeting in 2019 quote,
"He cited the hijackers as a group of people who were all
able to get on the same page to orchestrate
attacks to perfection."
McDermott says now that he never should
have mentioned the hijackers.
He says his original intent was to use the attacks
to encourage the team because the events
were so easily recognizable.
[audience laughing]
I think this football coach may have taken
the wrong lesson from 9/11.
Like, when we said never forget,
we didn't mean Al Qaeda's teamwork.
[audience laughing]
Although, to be fair, this is not something
you ever expect to hear from a football team.
I mean, maybe a scumbag football team
like the Eagles, but not a respectable franchise
like the Bills.
Although, look, if we're giving Coach McDermott the benefit
of the doubt, he didn't give the most inappropriate pep
talk I've ever seen.
Huddle up, everyone.
Come on, huddle up, huddle up.
In the second half, we're going to get out there.
We're going to completely knock them out like Bill Cosby.
I want you to end them like OJ ended his marriage.
Our offense is going to be like mass shootings in America.
They'll give up on even trying to stop us.
On three, clear eyes, full hearts.
Epstein didn't do it.
[applause]
Let's move on to the war in Ukraine.
I know, it's crazy that it didn't end even though you
stopped paying attention.
But the money the US is sending Ukraine for the war
is about to end, which is why their President
is coming to see if there's any more cash lying around.
President Zelenskyy will make another trip to the US this
week as Congress and the White House are at odds over
funding the war-torn country.
But here's the problem, Congress
seems to be at a stalemate over sending much
needed aid to this country.
With just a few days left before the Hill wraps up
for the year, Democrats hope to pass
a bill that would provide funding
for both Ukraine and Israel.
But Republicans refuse to sign off on it because it does not
include their proposals to enhance border security
and stem migration.
We're obviously deeply concerned about this.
We've got a few more weeks here,
and then we're out of Schlitz.
[audience laughing]
We're out of Schlitz?
You're describing war funding with an old beer slogan?
[audience laughing]
I'm surprised he didn't go with come on, Congress, wassup?
[audience laughing]
But yes, yes, military aid to Ukraine and Israel
is being held up until Republicans
can also get the immigration reforms they want.
And yeah, I know, look, the border is a problem.
But it didn't help the Democrats
case when Zelenskyy showed up by walking in through Mexico.
[audience laughing]
The crazy thing is, many Republicans in Congress
actually agree on the funding.
So you'd think they would just vote for it
and move on to other important issues.
Like, y'all, why are you stopping Ukraine from getting
weapons when you could be stopping
women from getting abortions?
Eyes on the prize, Republicans, come on.
That was one of the less popular ones tonight
I see from this lefty crowd.
But look, let's move on from Congress
to some major political news about Hunter Biden seen
here thinking about hookers.
[audience laughing]
No presidential family member in recent memory
comes with as much baggies--
I mean, baggage as Hunter.
And now, the law has finally caught up with him.
Breaking news overnight, Hunter Biden,
son of the President of the United States
now indicted on nine counts related to his taxes.
The nine count indictment, six misdemeanors,
and three felony charges accusing
Hunter Biden of failing to pay $1.4 million in taxes
from 2016 to 2019.
Special Counsel, David Weiss, insisting that
during that time, Biden was living
an extravagant lifestyle, spending on drugs, escorts,
and girlfriends, luxury hotels, rental properties,
exotic cars, clothing, in short,
everything but his taxes.
Biden allegedly shelling out more than $600,000
on various women, another $397,000 on clothes,
and more than $180,000 on adult entertainment.
In 2018 alone, he spent $43,000 here at the Chateau Marmont,
where he admits in his memoir he partied so hard hotel
management kicked him out.
Special Counsel, David Weiss, says Hunter tried to write off
his wild spending as tax deductions,
claiming a $10,000 fee for a sex club
was a golf club membership, and a $1,500 Venmo
payment to a stripper was a payment for artwork.
[audience laughing]
Wow.
All right, claiming a stripper as artwork
is like the nicest compliment ever to that stripper.
She's like, am I turning you on?
And he's like, actually, you're making
me reflect on the interconnectedness
of light and darkness.
Now, I shall slip a 20 between them titties.
[audience laughing]
But yes, look Hunter Biden spent
millions of dollars on drugs and sex
instead of paying his taxes.
And it's shocking to think that the presidential race might
come down to who goes to jail first,
Hunter Biden or Donald Trump.
Although, maybe if we're lucky, the two of them
might end up in a cell together.
Like, you throw George Santos in there,
and I am watching that show.
[audience laughing]
Seriously, though, I feel bad for Joe Biden.
People say he needs to rein Hunter in.
But like, how?
His old timey vocabulary doesn't
even cover this kind of stuff?
Son, I heard you've been smoking the jelly beans,
watching the hanky-panky reels, paying
birds to shake their fannies.
We're almost out of Schlitz.
For more on the Hunter Biden indictment
and its consequences for 2024, let's turn to Michael Kosta.
[applause]
Michael, Michael, I know this story
gets complicated with all the tax issues.
What are the implications for 2024?
Well, Kal, as someone whose accountant is currently
in prison for murder, I can tell you
Hunter's situation is devastating.
I don't think the Republicans are going to survive this.
Wait, Republicans, you mean Democrats?
No, I mean Republicans, because on the one hand,
yes, these charges against Hunter
paint the picture of a deeply troubled man.
But on the other hand, these charges also
paint a picture of a man who is-- and I
can't stress this enough--
so [bleep] cool.
Cool?
What is cool about this?
Oh, great question, umm, everything.
I mean, the two week benders, the sex clubs.
He's like a one man episode of Entourage, the coolest show.
The guy even got kicked out of hotels for partying too hard,
which is way cooler than getting kicked
out for crying too hard.
See if I ever stay at that Best Western again.
[audience laughing]
I'm sorry, Michael, but I disagree.
It is not cool to spend $1 million
on drug-fueled sex parties, and then try
to get the IRS to pay for it.
You know what?
Actually--
[audience laughing]
As I'm saying it, it does sound pretty cool.
Right?
And that's going to be the Republican
Party's big problem.
If voters start to think of Joe as the kind of guy who
can snow plow coke with Hunter in the champagne room,
well, that destroys the Republican narrative.
He's not sleepy Joe.
He's wide-eyed, energetic Joe.
Yeah, with a bunch of crazy ideas, and most of them
are about a train that can go to Mars, but he's engaged.
And that's what America wants.
I don't know, man.
I don't know if people will vote for Joe Biden
just because they think his son is cool.
Well, first of all, Kal, I didn't say his son is cool.
I said his son is so [bleep] cool, which he is.
And that's what the Republicans don't get.
Hunter has got Lambos, porn, sweet clothes.
What's Trump got?
A golf cart, high cholesterol, and indictments,
indictments about documents?
Boring.
Good luck in the election, nerd.
Hang on, Michael, Hunter isn't even the person
running against Trump.
That's right, which is why I agree with you, Kal,
that he should be.
People always say they like Biden,
but they wish he were younger.
Well, you got your wish, Democrats, Hunter Biden, 2024.
You don't even have to change the signs.
That sounds so [bleep] cool.
- I told you. - Michael Kosta, everybody!
I told you.