(Producer: We’re going to build a TV show about you.)
No, stop it.
About me? Okay.
Right. Wouldn't get made.
For a start.
Okay. She's More Than a Woman is the title.
Oh, the genre! Hmm...
I think drama.
Who would play me?
Viola Davis.
Who plays my best friend?
Best friend...
[chuckles]
Charithra Chandran.
My theme song for the show?
Oh, my God.
I can never remember songs.
Maybe A-Tisket, A-Tasket
sung by Ella Fitzgerald.
And I'm not going to sing it,
because all I know is “A-tisket a-tasket,
I lost--” that's it.
“A-tisket a-tasket.
I lost my yellow basket.”
That's all you’re getting.
(Producer: Beautiful. That was amazing!)
It was dreadful!
Yeah, but that would be a good theme song, actually, yeah,
for More Than A Woman. A-Tisket, A-Tasket. Yes.
I want it to be a dramedy.
You know, as in, I see it sort of in the
The White Lotus genre.
As in very funny,
but the humour of awkwardness and real life.
I'm played, I think, by...
Well, actually, if you saw White Lotus,
probably the older me is played by Michael Imperioli.
Do you know who I'm talking about? From The Sopranos as well.
And he was so good in that.
And then to see him play sort of embarrassing man in his fifties
who just sort of slightly disgusting, but in a fairly relatable way.
Or the young me in my fantasy is played by Paul Mescal,
because I think my wife fancies Paul Mescal and
it might get me brownie points with her.
And my best friend,
maybe this is in the Paul Mescal version, is played by Karen Gillan
because she plays Amy Pond in
the Doctor Who episodes I'm watching at the moment.
She's his-- well, his friend.
She happens to be rather beautiful and I think also would appeal to my
eight year old, so might get him to watch.
Although it might not be appropriate.
So what have we got?
We've got a White Lotus-esque dramedy
with Paul Mescal and Karen Gillan.
It's called...
Maybe it's called...
Deplorable Me.
Right? It's a play on Despicable Me and the deplorables
that Hillary Clinton talked about.
And the theme music
because I like the White Lotus theme music
goes like this
oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
uh-uh-uh
oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!
Right?
I didn't invent that.
A friend of mine showed me how to do that.
Maybe a bit more melodic.
I think it should be a...
It should be a bit like Question Time. So it’s Question Joe,
that's what it’d be called.
And it'd be hosted by Fiona Bruce.
I will be played by any child actor
and it will be unscripted. And it will just be a child
probably around the age of 11
being asked questions about the economy
and increasingly complicated questions about
human rights and
war, that sort of thing.
Whatever the child says will have to be implemented as a national policy.
I think the theme tune of this show will just be a long,
single tone noise for
24 minutes.
This tone.
[vocalises low tone]
Welcome to the show!
The title would probably be
something simple,
The Ellie’s Adventures.
You know, sometimes actually, you can think about the names
and elaborate, but actually sometimes pure and simple.
Straight to the point.
That's me, Ellie.
That's me and she's off on an adventure.
My theme tune would be Country Road.
I love that song. It just makes me happy,
it's sing-along and it's very catchy.
Who would play me would be Aimee Lou Wood.
She, like, for me, she just is comedy.
She's amazing.
And yeah, she's just such a lovely actor and a human.
And who would be my best friend would be Olivia Colman,
because I can imagine them two getting on really, really well.
Two incredible women, British.
There'll be a lot of humour, a lot of laughs.
And to be honest, that sums me up.
I love laughing and I love having a good time
and going on adventures. And I can imagine them two together are
a good duo and a good double act.
I think it would be untitled until the last minute.
So let's call it Untitled.
What is the genre of this uncommissionable show?
Uhm...
Like between genres. Unclassifiable.
[bursts out laughing]
(Producer: Theme song?) Theme song,
doo-doo-doo doo doo-doo-doo-doo doo-doo-doo
doo doo-doo-doo-doo-doo pew
pu-pu-pu pu pu-pu-pu pu choo.
Just on a loop
with different lyrics written by lots of different, exciting people.
The lyrics don't necessarily need to sort of be relevant to the show,
just any lyrics will be fine, I think probably in the end.
By the way,
that's not me doing an impression of what the recording will sound like.
That is the actual-- that's what the actual theme tune would be.
Maybe it should be animated and so maybe like a red panda
or a raccoon or something like that.
Probably voiced by
some kind of chat bot.
So it’s mainly unscripted.
The name of my show would be
Pluck Boy.
Right?
Because of the eyebrows.
It would be a comedy.
It'd be a romcom.
Yeah.
It's about a boy who can't find love because his eyebrows are too big.
You know, people see the eyebrows, you know,
people think they want the eyebrows
and then they see the eyebrows and he just gets ghosted.
So it's about him coming to terms and using them as a
as a romantic tool as opposed to a burden.
Yeah.
This isn’t autobiographical, by the way.
This is just straight off the dome.
Okay, so we’ve done genre, we’ve done the title.
Who would play me?
You know, just for cost, I would play the boy in this story
even though I have no relation to the story.
You know, Idris Elba would be the understudy
because I think, you know, with these things, it's important
to get someone who looks like the actor in question.
And I really think if Idris Elba was on screen, it would be--
the difference would be indistinguishable.
Special guest roles,
who else has got massive eyebrows?
Weirdly, I can only think of Alistair Darling.
As he popped his comedy cherry yet?
I don’t know, but he will in this show. And the theme song.
Let me just...
Let me just get into the zone.
It’s going to be like....
Okay, right.
So mine would be like this
[beatboxing]
Pluck Boy!
[beatboxing]
Pluck Boy!
Would you watch that?
(Producer: I would totally watch that!)
Was that better than the others?
A show about my life. Uhm...
What would it be called?
I mean, it would just be The Sharon Show.
I mean, does that sound good?
It sounds kind of good because of the...
yeah, the alliteration.
Okay, so Sharon Show. The genre would be horror.
It would be a horror.
Who would play me is uhm...
No, I wouldn't play myself. I’d get someone like--
One of my daughters would play me
or both of them, because it's a sort of psychological horror.
So it's a bit Lynchian, you know.
So sometimes it's one daughter, sometimes it's the other.
Who would play my best friend?
Any of my previous co-stars, because we have, you know,
a rapport already and a chemistry
or Amy Adams or Connie Britton, because everyone's
always saying that we should make something together
because we look a bit alike.
Well, Song for Sharon, Joni Mitchell.
But you know, maybe covered by Karen O.
Just to just make it a little bit spookier.
You know, slow it down a bit.
Sounds like a really good show, guys.
I don't know if you agree.
(Producer: Yeah! I'd watch it.)
(I’d totally watch it, it sounds sick!)
I'm not that happy with the-- I'm not that happy with the title.
Might need to keep workshopping the title.
Maybe it's more of a...
I’ll keep thinking about the title.
Maybe it's called...
No, I've got nothing.