-Today´s Friday.
That´s usually when I catch up with some personal stuff.
You know, I check my inbox, I return some e-mails,
and of course, I send out thank you notes.
And I just wondered... [ Cheers and applause ]
Can I write them out right now? Is that okay with you guys?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Hey, James. You got any big plans this weekend?
[ Laughter ]
Can I -- -Almost.
-Can I get some thank you note writing music, please?
♫♫
-Wow. He looks almost life-like. -Yeah.
[ Laughter, music stops ]
[ Music resumes ]
-Thank you, Porg, in the new "Star Wars" trailer,
for letting me know what it would look like if
I had squeezed a guinea pig as hard as I could.
[ Laughter and applause ] -Hey!
Porg. Porg. -No.
Just playing with him, yeah.
♫♫
Thank you, breaking a mirror,
for meaning seven years of bad luck.
And thank you, breaking your iPhone screen
for meaning seven months of being too lazy
to get a new iPhone.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Get one.
[ Applause ]
[ Applause subsides ]
♫♫
Thank you, controls on office chairs,
for making sitting feel like
I´m navigating an intergalactic spaceship.
[ Laughter, cheers and applause ]
Why do I need all this -- what does this chair do?
♫♫
Thank you, Netflix screen that asks, "Are you still watching?"
[ Laughter ]
For being the most passive-aggressive way
of saying, "Dude, you need to get your life together.
It´s like six hours?" [ Cheers and applause ]
"You´re still -- you´re still watching?"
[ Applause ]
-Dude! Dude, are you watching?
♫♫
-Thank you, milk and sugar station at Starbucks,
for reminding me why I never want to be roommates
with the rest of the world. It´s like --
Throw it in the garbage. It´s right there.
That hole is a garbage hole. -There´s a hole.
-That´s the garbage hole. Why would you put it
anywhere else but in that? [ Laughter ]
Ay, ay, ay.
♫♫
Thank you, Halloween eggnog. You´re like regular eggnog,
but with more
-Boo!
[ Laughter and applause ] -Aw.
[ Band playing blues music ]
♫♫
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Shake weight.
-What´s that? -Are you working out
with a shake weight? -What´s that?
-Are you working out with a shake weight?
-Yeah, I work out with a shake weight.
I do it -- before the show. It´s the best.
-Oh, my God, that´s fantastic. -It´s the only way
to work out. -How´s your eggnog?
-What´s that? -How´s your eggnog?
[ Laughter ] -It´s good.
-Does it have any spirits in it?
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
♫♫
-Whoo! -Good to see you, dude.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey, Higgins. How many steps you got in your Fitbit?
-This hand, 20,000. This one 640,000.
[ Laughter ] That´s weird.
-So interesting, so interesting.
[ Banging ]
[ Laughs ] My God.
This is very loud is the only problem.
-What´s that? -You can´t even hear me
because you´re banging -- -No, I´m just setting
my shake weight down. Here, I´ll put it underneath here.
-Oh, yeah, no problem.
[ Clattering ] It´s just loud.
You can just put it -- you can just put it anywhere.
You just hear --
[ Laughter ] Higgins.
It´s just too noisy, you see? You´re right by the --
Why do you -- -Okay. I´m good, I´m good.
I´m just getting a piece of gum.
[ Wrapper crinkling ] -That´s not gum --
[ Crinkling continues ]
Dude, that´s not gum, that is -- that´s a condom, dude.
[ Laughter ]
♫♫
Thank you, bobbing for apples, for making a thing
you don´t actually want really difficult to get.
That´s all you get. You want an apple?
[ Applause ]
A wet apple? I don´t know.
♫♫
Thank you, hayrides, for letting me know
what it would look like if the Amish had invented uberPOOL.
There you go, everybody. That´s my thank you notes!