Uh... I don't know,
what do you guys want to talk about, you know?
What's, uh, what's in the news?
You guys seen anything interesting?
-You guys want to talk about, uh... -MAN: Donald. Donald.
-Donald... Donald Trump? -(laughter)
Well, okay. Trump.
Donald Trump once again rewriting the political playbook
by bailing from tomorrow night's Republican presidential debate.
NEWSWOMAN:
is biased against him.
Fox News standing by Kelly while Trump walks.
Trump is not used to not controlling things.
The truth is, he doesn't get to control the media.
Wow. Donald Trump is skipping
the Republican presidential debate.
-Aw... -(laughter)
And with Trump gone, the other candidates
might finally be able to discuss real, substantive issues,
like how much they hate each other on that stage.
But it is true what Megyn Kelly said--
Trump is used to controlling things.
I mean, this is a man usually so in control
that each morning he manages to successfully wind
one extra-long upper-back hair around his head
-(laughter) -4,000 times...
and keep it in place perfectly.
That is control.
So, Trump's bailing on the last debate before Iowa,
because he doesn't like the moderator,
Fox News's Megyn Kelly.
Obviously, they have history.
It started at the first GOP debate
when last August she asked him this.
You've called women you don't like "fat pigs,"
"dogs," "slobs," and "disgusting animals."
Your Twitter account has several disparaging comments
about women's looks.
You once told a contestant on
it would be a pretty picture to see her on her knees.
Does that sound to you like the temperament
of a man we should elect as president?
Hell, yes, it does.
(laughter)
Said millions of Americans.
Now, to me, this is the sort of question,
tough but fair, that makes Megyn Kelly
one of the most fearsome anchors out there.
But not everyone feels that way.
It's a very small element in my life-- Megyn Kelly.
I don't care about Megyn Kelly.
I'm not a big fan of hers at all, I don't care.
When you meet her, you realize she's not very tough
and she's not very sharp.
She's a third-rate reporter.
Whoever even heard of her before the last debate?
Oh, nicely done, Donald Trump, nicely done.
It's the same way we won't call you an asshole
because we, too, are constrained by political correctness...
(laughter)
...asshole.
(whooping, applause)
Now, of course, Trump is entitled to his crazy opinion,
but it does raise the question: if he thinks Megyn Kelly
is such a lightweight, then why is he so scared of her?
I mean, seeing Trump pull out of the debate
is like watching one of those
YouTube videos where the huge dogs
are too scared to walk past the cats.
You're like, "Yeah, why aren't you doing it, Dog Trump?
You said yourself it's harmless."
And the dog is like, "Mm, no, I can't, I just can't do it.
I can't do it, I can't do it."
Why are you so afraid? You know?
So from one perspective, Trump dropping out
seems like the act of a petulant child.
But I think, honestly, he's a complete genius.
Because once again, ladies and gentlemen,
Donald Trump has won the only fight that matters to him--
the fight for attention.
Yeah. Taking part in one more debate
wasn't gonna help Donald Trump get that much press,
but blowing one off-- it's like Deflategate
crossed with a natural disaster
crossed with a celebrity sex tape.
-That's... -(laughter)
Why does... Does that look like it's c...
-Anyway, uh... -(laughter)
That was weird.
I'm-I'm telling you, Donald Trump is really
one of the greatest of all time.
I mean, just take a look at this press release...
announcing his decision to skip the debate.
Here's how it starts.
"...Mr. Trump knows..."
I'm-I'm sorry, what?
Like, this sounds like a lot of unnecessary information.
But a lot of people don't realize,
this is just how Donald Trump begins everything he writes.
Uh, press releases, books, personal cards.
Dear Susie, as someone who wrote
one of the bestselling business books of all time
and is worth many billions of dollars,
my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family
after your tragic loss...
(applause)
So...
so this great, this is great.
So, there's a whole bunch of bragging, blah, blah, blah.
"Might do something for the troops." Not true. Whatever.
Uh... and then he ends it with this.
"...in order to make America great again."
Yeah. Because apparently, what America needs
is a president who will quit
the moment things don't go his way,
leaving the country in the care
of his handpicked vice president,
a bar of gold wearing a Miss Universe sash.
(laughter, applause)
(whooping)
I mean...
this doesn't happen a lot,
but I can't say I'm totally surprised.
'Cause I've said this before, people.
The giant ego, the crazy sentiments,
the huge and questionable fortune,
the extremely casual relationship with facts--
Donald Trump...
is basically an African dictator.
I've said this.
And this... and this just confirms it.
Because here's what happened just one week ago
with Yoweri Museveni, the multibillionaire president
of Uganda, currently running for his fifth term.
It was an eventful weekend for Uganda,
which held its first presidential candidate debate
ahead of the polls in February.
President Yoweri Museveni,
who faces his toughest reelection
in his 30 years of power, was a no-show.
(laughter)
(like Museveni): Welcome, America.
(laughter)
Welcome... to my world.