MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS A FIVE-TIME DAYTIME EMMY WINNING
ACTRESS AND TALK SHOW HOST.
PLEASE WELCOME KELLY RIPA!
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> HI.
HI.
>> Stephen: THAT IS A BEAUTIFUL DRESS.
>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> Stephen: THAT LOOKED LIKE IT WAS OUT TO GET YOU A SECOND
AGO.
>> IT WAS OUT TO GET ME.
THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR BUYING SOMETHING ON SALE.
I DID, I GOT IT ON SALE.
>ITHOUGHT I WAS SO SMART YOU.
>> Stephen: ARE SO SMART.
BEING WITH-- I LOVE BEING ON YOUR SHOW.
I'VE BEEN ON A BUNCH OF TIMES IN THE PAST.
>> WELL YOU SHOULD COME BACK.
>> Stephen: THE OLD GIG, AND SELLING BOOKS ON YOUR SHOW.
IT'S A LOVELY SHOW.
HOW IS IT GOING?
>> SPEAKING OF BOOKS, I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU ABOUT A
BOOK THAT YOU SOLD ON OUR SHOW, I THINK BOOK IN-- I WANT TO SAY
2012?
WAS THAT -- >> Stephen: OKAY, WHICH ONE?
I'VE HAD THREE BOOKS.
WHICH ONE?
>> IT'S CALLED-- AS A MATTER OF FACT, I THINK I HAVE-- YEAH, I
BROUGHT A COPY OF IT.
HERE IT IS, RIGHT HERE.
OH, LOOK AT THAT!
OKAY.
IT'S CALLED "I'LL A POLE, AND SO SHOULD YOU."
>> Stephen: IT'S A CHILDREN'S BOOK WE WROTE.
>> IT'S A CHILDREN'S BOOK.
>> Stephen: IT'S ABOUT THE ADVENTURES OF A POLE, THAT
DOESN'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF POLE IT IS.
>> IT DOESN'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF POLE IT IS, AND I HAVE TO SAY--
I'M NOT SELLING BOOKS FOR YOU, BUT THIS HAPPENS TO BE ONE OF
THE GREATEST CHILDREN'S BOOKS I'VE EVER READ.
>> Stephen: IT HAS THE GREATEST BLURB OF ALL TIME.
"THE SAD THING I I LIKE IT."
MAURICE SENDAC.
>> HE ALSO SAID ON THE BACK, ," IT'S TERRIBLY, SUPREMELY
ORDINARY."
I LIKE, THAT TOO.
MY SON, WHEN HE WAS NINE YEARS OLD, HE'S DYSLEXIC, SO HE GOES
TO A SCHOOL WHERE, YOU KNOW, THE PRIMARY FOCUS OF THE EDUCATION
IS REALLY LEARNING HOW TO READ, AND IF YOU MASTER SO MANY BOOKS,
YOU CAN BRING IN A BOOK OF YOUR CHOICE.
AND THE TEACHER WILL READ THE BOOK OUT LOUD TO THE CLASS.
>> Stephen: OH!
>> SO STEPHEN CAME IN -- >> Stephen: OH, NO.
>> STEPHEN WAS COMING ON MONDAY AND THIS WAS A FRIDAY.
I BROUGHT THE BOOK HOME.
I PUT IT ON THE TABLE.
AND JOAQUIN SAID, "HEY, MOM.
THAT'S A GREAT BOOK.
I CAN TAKE IT TO SCHOOL?" THINKING HE SOMEHOW KNEW THE
BOOK ALREADY.
AND I SAID, "ABSOLUTELY, YOU CAN TAKE IT TO SCHOOL."
AND HE SENDS IT BACK TO ME AND SAID THE TEACHER WOULDN'T FINISH
READING THE BOOK.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: I KNOW-- I THINK I KNOW WHY.
>> I SAID, "WHY NOT?" AND HE GOES, "I DON'T KNOW.
SHE PUT A NOTE IN IT."
SO I'LL JUST READ YOU-- I'LL JUST READ YOU THE-- I'LL READ UP
TO THE BOOK.
IT SAYS-- SO HERE'S IT'S REALLY ADORABLE.
THE POLE GOES TO A FIRE HOUSE, AND HE SAYS, "THERE'S ALWAYS A
FIREMAN OR FISHINGS, BUT THOSE ARE HARD TO FIND."
AND THEN THE POLE SAYS, "SO I INTERNED AS A STRIPPER POLE, BUT
I COULDN'T STAND THE GRIND."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THE THEY HAVE TO LEA SOMEWHERE, KELLY.
WE EASE THEM INTO ADULTHOOD.
>> SO I GOT, YOU KNOW, A "DEAR MRS. CONSUELOS, I'M NOT SURE IF
YOU READ THIS FIRST."
AND SHE SAID, "IT'S A REALLY FUNNY BOOK.
I REALLY TRIED TO STICK WITH IT, BUT AT A CERTAIN POINT, CERTAIN
THINGS AREN'T APPROPRIATE FOR NINE-YEAR-OLDS."
>> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND.
I APOLOGIZE?
>> NO, ARE YOU KIDDING?
>> Stephen: I DON'T.
>> THIS IS STILL THE GREATEST, LIKE, SCHOOL MEMORY WE HAVE,
BECAUSE -- >> Stephen: THANK YOU.
>> BECAUSE NOWADAYS, PARENTS ARE SO CAREFUL AND THEY'RE SO GOOD
AT PARENTING.
>> Stephen: RIGHT.
>> AND I BECAME "THAT MOM."
>> Stephen: WOW.
>> YOU KNOW?
>> Stephen: SO YOU'RE SUGGESTING EVERYONE BUY THIS FOR
THEIR CHILDREN.
>> EVERYONE BUY THIS -- >> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY
MUCH.
I'M NOT SURE IT'S IN PRINT ANYMORE.
>> IT SHOULD BE.
>> Stephen: IT DEFINITELY SHOULD BE.
>> IT SHOULD BE IN PRINT PRINT.
NOW IT WILL SELL MORE THAN EVER.
>> Stephen: LET'S LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL FAMILY OF YOURS.
THERE YOU GO.
YOUR SON, JOAQUIN'S 14th BIRTHDAY IS THIS FRIDAY, RIGHT?
>> THIS GLDZ DO YOU HAVE ANY BIG PLANS FOR THIS PARTY?
>> WELL, WE ARE-- WE'RE HAVING, YOU KNOW-- ALL HE WANTS IS A
FUDGY THE WHALE CAKE FROM CARAVEL.
>> Stephen: I STILL WANT A FUDGY THE WHALE CAKE.
>> AND HE WANTS TO GO AIR SOFTING.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> DO YOU KNOW WHAT AIR SOFTING IS.
>> Stephen: YEAH, I HAVE BOYS.
>> NO KIDDING.
>> Stephen: IT'S LIKE B.B.
GUNS THAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SHOOT AT EACH OTHER.
>> THEY'RE B.B. GUNS THAT CAN'T HARM YOU IN ANY WAY.
>> Stephen: THEY CAN, BUT YOU WEAR GOGGLES AND THEY'RE LIKE
PLASTIC BEADS AND YOU POW-POW-POW.
>> AND THEY HAVE AIR SOFT COURSES.
DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?
>> YES?
>> AND HE WALKS AROUND IN THE GEAR GR FULL BATTLE-RATTLE.
>> THAT'S WHAT HE CALLS IT.
>> Stephen: PUT IT ALL ON THE LINE.
>> WAIT, HOW MANY SONS DO YOU HAVE?
>> Stephen: I HAVE TWO SONS BUT MY WORK ROOM IN THE BASEMENT
REALLY LOOKS LIKE I'M A SERIAL KILLER.
I HAVE THE M-SOFT M-FOUR, THE GARKS THE SAW, ONE OF THESE.
MY BOYS HAVE USED ALL THEIR ALLOWANCE FOR YEARS TO TRY TO
GET NEW STUFF.
YEAH.
>> I NEVER-- WE DIDN'T-- WE WERE LIKE-- WE WERE TRYING TO BE THE
PARENTS THAT DIDN'T BRING THE STRIPPER POLE BOOK TO SCHOOL.
SO FOR YEARS WE WERE JUST -- >> Stephen: NO GUNS.
>> NO GUNS.
>> Stephen: SAME HERE.
>> WE WERE NOT GOING TO LET OUR KIDS PLAY WITH GUNS.
AND WHAT WOULD HAPPEN WAS I HAVE VIDEOTAPE OF JOAQUIN IN A DIAPER
RUNNING AROUND THE TABLE GOING, "SPEW.
SPEW."
USING HIS FIST LIKE A GUN.
AND WE WOULD GO TO THE BEACH AND HE WOULD PICK UP A SEA SHELL.
AND ONE DAY ANDERSON COOPER BOUGHT HIM FOR HIS BIRTHDAY A
NERF GUN, AND THAT REALLY BEGAN HIS ADDICTION WITH SMALL
ARTILLERY.
>> Stephen: THAT ANDERSON COOPER IS A BAD INFLUENCE.
HE IS A BAD INFLUENCE.
>> TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE INFLUENCE.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
>> SO NOW HE'S SEGUED INTO AIR SOFT.
WHICH I THINK IS GOING TO BE FINE.
>> Stephen: IT'S FINE!
>> IT'S FINE.
>> Stephen: IT WILL ONLY WORRY YOU FOR ABOUT THREE YEARS.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: AND THEN HE'LL MOVE ON.
>> THEY SAY THE PELLETS ARE BIODEGRADABLE.
>> Stephen: DON'T GO WITH THE BIODEGRADABLE PELLETS BECAUSE IF
THEY'RE HUMAN THE GUN JAMS AND THE OTHER GUY WILL COME DOWN ON
YOU.
>> SO JUST KEEP POLLUTING.
>> Stephen: YOU GOT THE LIVE OSCAR SHOW.
>> WE DO.
>> Stephen: AFTER OSCAR SHOW.
>> WE DO.
>> Stephen: SO IT'S IN THE MORNING AFTER THE OSCARS OUT
THERE.
YOU GOING TO BE IN L.A.?
>> I'M GOING TO BE IN L.A.
WE GO OUT, AND I'M BACKSTAGE WITH ALL OF THE WINNER S.
>> Stephen: AS THEY COME OFF?
>> SO AS THEY COME OFF THE STAGE, THE FIRST THING THEY
SEE-- AND I DO MEAN THING-- IS ME WITH A MICROPHONE IN FRONT OF
THEM.
>> Stephen: ARE THEY EAGER TO TALK TO YOU AT THAT POINT OR ARE
THEY LIKE, "NO, I NO, I HAVE TO GO PARTY."
>> THEY WILL TELL YOU ANYTHING.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
BECAUSE THEY'RE SO HIGH ON THE WIN.
>> CELEBRITIES HOPPED UP ON ADRENALINE FROM WINNING ACADEMY
AWARDS ARE SURPRISINGLY, SHOCKINGLY, SQUARELILY FRANK.
LIKE, THEY SAY THINGS THAT WE'VE SAVED PEOPLE FROM THEMSELVES
JUST BY -- >> Stephen: OH, NO!
>> WE CAN'T SHOW THAT -- >> Stephen: ROLL THAT TAPE,
BABY.
ROLL THAT TAPE.
>> WE CAN'T -- >> Stephen: PEOPLE WILL COME
OFF AND SAY, "SUCK IS, MERYL STREEP!
SPIELBERG IS OVERREPRESENTATIVED!
WO!
STUFF LIKE THAT.
>> STUFF LIKE THAT.
NOT EXACTLY, THAT BUT STUFF LIKE THAT.
REALLY SOMETIMES INFLAMMATORY.
SOMETIMES SCARY, CREEPY.
BUT REALLY APPRECIATIVE.
>> Stephen: I FEAST ON HUMAN FLESH AND RULE THE NIGHT!
>> WELL, THE WEIRD THING IS, I CAN TELL, LIKE, PEOPLE WILL SEE
ME OUT, AND THEY'RE NOT SURE WHERE THEY'VE SEEN ME BEFORE.
BUT I KNOW WHERE.
IT'S BECAUSE THEY'D WON AN ACADEMY AWARD AND I WAS THE
FIRST PERSON THEY SAW.
SO YOU KNOW HOW WHEN A DUCK IS BORN, WHATEVER IT SEES FIRST, IT
-- >> Stephen: IT IMPRINTS ON IT.
>> RIGHT.
I HAVE IMPRINTED ON THEM A HAPPY MEMORY, AND THEY'RE SAYING, I
DON'T KNOW THAT GIRL, BUT I WANT TO KISS HER HARD ON THE FACE.
GLVMENT WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY DON'T KNOW YOU?
YOU'RE KELLY RIPA.
YOU'VE BEEN ON TV FOR 16 YEARS.
YOU HAVE THE NUMBER ONE ENTERTAINMENT MORNING SHOW.
>> THEY'RE FROM OTHER PLACE S.
>> Stephen: OTHER COUNTRIES.
>> OTHER COUNTRIES -- >> Stephen: NOT FOR LONG.
TRUMP IS GOING TO GET THOSE PEOPLE OUT OF HERE AS QUICK AS
POSSIBLE.
>> HEARD, I HEARD.
>> Stephen: YOU DO THIS AT 6:00 A.M. L.A. TIME.
>> 6:00 A.M.
>> Stephen: SO YOU'LL STAY UP AND PARTY HARD THROUGH THE
NIGHT.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: SERIOUSLY, YOU PROBABLY DON'T GO TO BED.
>> WE DON'T GO TO BED.
I HAVE NOT GONE TO BED YET IN THE SIX YEARS I'VE BEEN DOING
IT.
>> Stephen: YOU LOOK GOOD.
I HAVE TO SAY.
>> I'M PRETTY PUNCHY.
I'M PRETTY PUNCHY BY THE TIME WE GO ON THE AIR.
>> Stephen: RIGHT NOW YOU'RE PLOWING YOUR WAY THROUGH A BUNCH
OF COHOSTS.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: IT'S BEEN NINE MONTHS LOOKING FOR A COHOST.
WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO PUT A RING ON, GIRL?
>> ARE YOU PROPOSING?
I MEAN, HOW LONG YOU CAN MAKE THESE TRUMP JOKES?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: I WOULD SAY FOUR YEARS.
FOUR YEARS?
CHECK BACK WITH ME IN-- >> DO I HAVE TO WAIT FOUR YEARS?
>> Stephen: FOUR YEARS, EXACTLY.
>> MMMM!
>> Stephen: GOOD MUG WORK.
>> LISTEN, ARE YOU CUT OUT TO BE A MORNING SHOW HOST.
YOU ARE WASTING YOUR TIME HERE!
>> Stephen: DADDY LIKES TO SLEEP IN.
>> OH, COME ON "THE LIVE WITH KELLY AFTER OSCAR
SHOW" AIRS MONDAY.
KELLY RIPA, EVERYBODY!
LOVELY TO SEE YOU.