I'm gonna get right into it today.
Okay.
'Cause I've got something on my mind
Mm business.
Yeah, I'm, you know, I do mean business,
and I just want your opinion on something.
Been very happily married for a long time now
to my lovely wife, Liza.
I love
You've known Liza for a very long time.
Love Liza, yeah.
Gourley, You've met Liza.
She's wonderful.
Wonderful person.
She's right.
And um, what's that?
I'm sorry.
Yeah, whatever this is, she's right.
Whatever this is, she's right.
Okay. Well, here's my problem.
So, we grew up different.
Case closed.
Okay. We grew up differently.
Oh yeah.
She grew up in a very sensible home. Okay?
Uh huh.
She has one sister.
When you go to their home, it's very sensible.
They're lovely people, they're sane.
Everything's just so, you know?
And you contrast that with the way that I grew up,
and again, I love my parents and, and my siblings,
but there was a lot of us,
when my parents would go to the grocery store, they would,
first of all, before we could go with them,
they would have to buy a lot of food.
Oh yeah.
And then when, when we could go,
we of course were just terrible rotten kids.
And we would just throw,
because there were so many grocery carts,
'cause there's so many people in the family.
My grandmother lived with us and
Oh my god.
We would throw all kinds of crud into the grocery cart
that we could, you know, processed junk food.
And my mother would try to weed it all out
at the checkout line,
but of course you can't.
It's too much.
And we, she's weeding some of it out
but we're sneaking it back in.
And then we get home and there's, you know,
What a mess.
Literally just awful, you know,
cheese flavored, puffed up stuff made by, you know,
filled with chemicals, called dipity dapity doodoos,
stuff that's, they later found out was just chalk full of
dangerous, toxic chemicals,
and that, it's now in a landfill somewhere.
But anyway, so that was the kind of way I grew up.
And we were voracious eaters.
And still, you've seen me eat, Sona.
It's, ter- it's terrifying.
It's terrifying, I eat
It's like, yeah, you eat like you have
siblings looming over you wanting to eat your food.
Yeah, I eat really quickly.
So anyway, I was, the other day, hanging out with,
with Liza and she just mentioned, she said
"Yeah, I'm off, I'm off to the market and get some stuff."
And I went "Great. Great."
So I'm just, whatever, as you do, you regress.
And I'm getting hungry,
and I'm thinking about her coming in with bags and bags
of just like food,
and I'm forgetting that I married this sensible person.
Yeah.
You know?
And, so I'm imagining there's gonna be Doritos.
Oh no.
And Captain Crunch and just a giant,
a giant roast turkey that's got gravy on it already,
(Sona and Gourley laughing)
and there's gonna be, you know, some, some Swedish fish.
Oh.
and then there's gonna be like three milkshakes,
and a couple of hamburgers that have been pre, you know,
Oh my God. You sound like you're high, though.
I'm just, yeah, exactly.
Yeah.
She comes in and she's all happy.
(Conan whistling)
And I'm like "Oh good what'd you get?"
And she said
"Well, I got some fresh almonds,"
( Gourley sighing in disgust)
"And I got some blackberries."
Oh.
You know what? Liza isn't right.
No. But then I found out in her defen-
And so I'm like "What?"
"What?"
And then I found out that she went to the farmer's market.
Uh huh.
But still,
Yeah.
Even if I went to the farmer's market,
if I got almonds and blackberries, I would, I don't know,
on the way home I'd stop at a 7-Eleven
and I'd force them at gunpoint to make me a ham sandwich,
What?
Using pieces of Slim Jim.
You know? Like, I would do something!
I'm, now I'm getting really hungry,
and she went "Oh, it's fine."
And of course, you know, she's very beautiful and
Yes.
But she said "It's fine."
and you know, I see her eating a couple of nuts and
"Hmm, I'm drinking a little tea with it,
and then I'm having my blackberries and everything's just"
And I know that her parents would be like
"Oh yes, good for you." You know? "Yes."
You're so angry.
And you know, her parents like
"Well, there's two of us, so we'll have two children
and that just evens things out.
Now six almonds for each of you, and let's have some tea,
and that was good.
Everyone take a nap."
This goes deeper.
"But first, I'll walk around the pond."
Yeah.
Oh, this goes deeper.
Yeah, this is
And in my family it's
(Conan roaring)
Do you resent Liza for getting so much attention
and love from when she was young
and you had to share it with
Yes, D-
Yes, Doctor.
Yes. Okay. That's,
Yes.
So this is not about almonds and blackberries.
Well, it kind of is,
'cause when you're hungry and you're 6'4", right?
Yeah.
198 pounds of pure muscle.
Oh, well, okay.
Okay, well I've been to your house
and you guys always have a lot of good food.
I know.
I was just in this moment,
looking it was just making, I was looking at these almonds,
raw almonds, not even salted and roasted.
Oh, okay. That's problematic.
Raw because roasted an almond,
(Conan uses high pitched voice)
Hmm. That might have some
dangerous mmmmmm nutrients in there.
(Sona and Gourley laughing)
Oh my God, you are charged.
(Conan resumes normal voice)
No, I'm just, am I wrong?
And so I actually
No, you're not.
She cares about your health.
I, I cupped, I cupped my hands
and I put some almonds in there and I put a few blackberries
So sad. It's so sad.
And I really did feel like I was someone who had been,
my plane had gone down three weeks ago,
(Sona and Gourley laughing)
and I had wandered through, through,
and I was about to die,
but I found a couple of nuts and a couple of berries.
And I was like "Blalalalalala!"
and just was stuffing them into my face.
Oh man.
(Gourley groans)
And then people came, were coming over then,
and they were like "Oh, hey Conan."
And I'm like "Eh ugh?!?"
And I had blackberry around my lips.
I was like "Ah!"
(Conan hisses)
You know, when a vampire sees a cresh, it's like
(Conan hisses)
"Don't touch my blackberries."
And of course she's perfectly fine.
She was like "Oh man, am I stuffed."
If she brought home Doritos and like
a ham sandwich made of Slim Jims, you would've eaten it.
You would've been really happy, then afterwards,
you would've been really upset at yourself, wouldn't you?
Uh, No.
Okay. Okay.
I would've blacked out in a revelry.
I remember when you and I
I would've awoken in like, with a sensual high.
Oh God.
I remember when you and I ate the McRib sandwich once.
Oh that was, okay.
Well, let's not get in trouble with a major company.
Is it? Are there the, why?
What? There not a sponsor.
Why Can't we talk about McDonald's?
I love McDonald's, but, their McRib is garbage.
Let's not get in trouble with a major company?
What k-
I have never offended
That's the weeniest thing I've ever heard.
I've never offended a major company.
I don't ever want to hear it from you again.
Let's not get in trouble with a ma-
You wouldn't even name the name of the company
I'm loving it.
In that apology!
I'm loving it.
Oh my God.
I'm loving it.
Let's not get in trouble with a major company.
(Conan imitates McDonald's jingle)
(Gourley sighs)
No, don't do the jingle!
I'm loving it!
What a sellout. You're such a sellout.
Oh my God.
Biggest weenie I've ever met.
I will not offend any group of white men
that have formed a corporate concern for profit.
They shall be protected on Conan O'Brien needs a friend.
Oh my God.
That's why you're mad at Liza,
she didn't bring home a Big Mac.
Yeah.
Oh my God.
I could have killed a Big Mac.
(Gourley sighs)
Man, that company does it right.
Always have,
God.
And always will.
I'm a Burger King fan myself.
Well, them too.
You can't go wrong with those big companies.
I'm a Taco Bell boy.
Yep.
Mm hmm.
You know who's good at drilling for oil?
Texaco,
in my opinion.
Keep at it fellas.
Get that liquid gold.
O'Brien, I think my wife's right, and in her defense,
she was just going to the farmer's market.
But, she's always been that way.
I think on our first date I said "You want to get lunch?"
And she said
"Oh, I'm okay. I just had two walnuts and some green tea."
and I almost jumped out a window, 'cause for me,
lunch involves at least four whole hams
that have been, that have been
A family, a family of pigs.
A family of pigs,
A dad, a mom, a daughter, the son.
And they've been, they've been dipped in caramel.
Oh my God.
Anyway, my apologies to my in-laws,
(Conan laughing)
and my wife
And to McDonald.
And to ham.
No!
No apology to McDonald's.
Wait, what?
I said the McRib was garbage.
It's not garbage.
It's pretty bad.
It's not, liar.
(Conan imitates McDonald's jingle)
I'm loving it.
Keep making those McRibs.
Whatever you do is right.
Well, anyway,
now on to Bell Helicopters.
Jesus Christ.
Maker of military helicopters and damn good ones.
We're done. Stop.
All right. I'm done here.
Okay, good.