My mom and dad are both lactose intolerant
But I kind of thought maybe because I'm Americanized, I wouldn't catch the Chinese disease.
But it doesn't work that way; its genetics
So I was in Philly, this was the eighth-grade Philly trip
I was in the Bethesda, Maryland area at the time
My first time in Philadelphia
I'm all excited. I have I have milk, lots of milk
and we go inside, I think it's like Independence Hall
or one of those like tourist things where they show you a
big long video about Philly.
The whole eighth-grade classes is in there
you know, watching the movie and I just
I'm farting every five seconds
I'm farting every five second; they're loud-ass farts.
Everyone's like, "Ill! Ill!"
eighth-grade, I developed this really bad habit where I like to throw boogers at people.
One time in math class, I got really really bored.
So I picked out a booger from my nose and I chucked it at a friend
but this time it didn't just hit him; it actually went in his ear
And not only that, he noticed so
He turned around, he thought I chucked a piece a paper
He's like, "Yo, Jerry, whatever you threw at me, it went in my ear."
and I was so ashamed, I couldn't tell him it was a booger
I actually woke up this morning I thought what if it's still in his ear
after like 10 years
but that's a bad image, so don't actually think like that
So in China, right, back in the day before like
America really came in and imperialized China
they pooped in a natural position, which is like all the way down like a squat
like a crouch
When I was little, I was really afraid of those toilets
Because they were basically a hole in the ground
I was always afraid of falling in, so preschool I was like 3
I really need to go, but I didn't want to squat over those holes
so you know what can? I just shit all over myself.
And it was like in the morning too
So I didn't tell anyone this shit
was all over me flight for the whole day
And no one noticed, everyone blamed other people
I was just a good kid so they didn't like expect me to be the one to shit my pants.
I used to do kung fu back when I was in like 2nd grade in China
and one time I just learned some sort of front kick
so, I kicked the door to the bathroom go in and
I kicked it so hard, the door a totally went flying
but it didn't go flying because there was guy standing behind the door
and the door hit him in the face so hard and almost knocked him out
and see: the kid actually look like a pretty gangster kid
so, he totally could've kicked my ass because
Back then, I wasn't so good at Kung Fu
because that one kick, I just landed it so well
he probably thought I was a Kung Fu master, so he didn't kick my butt
but if you're ever watching and you could have totally kicked my butt
and gotten revenge for knocking your tooth out
I'm sorry about that, by the way.
This was also in preschool; we had this one teacher.
so back in the day in China
teachers will hit you
so we had this one teacher
She not only hit you, she hit you in the face
So that's kind of like taking it overboard
So I fuckin hate it because she was awesome in the countryside
And people in China in the countryside like
they don't know anything.
I mean that's such a horrible thing to say but
it's kinda true in every nation, you know, rednecks.
But they're like Chinese rednecks.
I would always like curse in class I just always had tourettes
So she punched me in the face and I was three, and I really hated her.
In China, they force you in preschool to take a nap
and I couldn't because I was very ADD.
So I couldn't take a nap, so what I do?
let's get revenge on this fucking bitch that kept hitting me in the face
so I shit all over the bed, but you could tell I planned it
Because I didn't shit on myself
It was just all over the bed.
And then she came up and she had to like
clean it all herself.
So I got my revenge on that bitch kinda
but she still hit me too many times so
I guess it wasn't true revenge
That's a very official apology, on camera, I'm sorry I kicked the door
twenty years later
seriously...it's like 15 years later
I'm really sorry
I can tell it hurt him. The door went BOOM
And when it hit him, it went BOOOM.
Pretty sure he'd like cried afterwards
He was pretty gangster, so he could've taken those tears and stabbed me.
(Dennis laughs)