Hi, do you want to know parenting advice that confuses or doesn't work so that
you don't get stuck in that trap too? Well, I'm Nicholeen Peck and I teach parenting and
family communication all over the world through the lens of self-government and in this video,
I'm talking about parenting advice you're going to want to watch out for because it's not good.
Everybody's trying to help with parenting right and some people try to help in ways that just
try to make them feel better about their own mistakes. Well, there are many different things
that people suggest to others that actually can be detrimental to their relationships
and that's what we're talking about here. I'm going to be sharing with you multiple different things
that you're going to want to watch out for so that you can help your relationship stay as healthy
as possible. Since I travel around the world speaking to parents I hear all kinds of stories
and parents will come to me on a regular basis and they'll tell me something that they're very
proud of they'll say you know something like, "Well, my child is just a little attorney and he just
has an answer for everything. He's so smart but I'll tell you what it wears me out. But you know
what that's just the way it is you can't control everything they do, right?", and then I'll say to them
"Okay, well, this is where you're at do you want any help with that?", because they're asking me and I'm
wondering if they want help but they've already made up their mind that there's this excuse that
they can't do anything about it. Obviously, can you control what somebody else chooses or wants?
No, you can't. So, that little bit in there is true but should you allow your child to just talk back
to you all the time? Is that just the way it is? Is it a skill? Is it something that's cute? Well,
I would say no to all those things. So, I usually assume the parents talking to me about it because
they actually want my input. Maybe even want another idea. But sometimes parents will tell me
that their children do certain things and they're totally fine with them doing those things. In fact,
they'll tell other people that those things are normal when in reality those things might
be disrespectful or even just straight out unkind or rude to siblings or family members and this is
because they've accepted them. So, when a parent accepts a certain behavior or accepts that they
don't know any other way to handle it then they assume it must be right because they can't find
any other solution. However, there are often times many different ways to see a situation and what I
found is that if those parents could just see the situation from a different lens maybe from my lens
then they might see the principle that they are missing. I teach self-government,
everything I teach is through the lens of self-government. When a person learns
self-government that means they learn self-mastery. They choose to analyze themselves and make plans
for becoming the best version of themselves that they want to be. This means that they need
to understand cause and effect and decide to analyze themselves on a regular basis.
So, when a parent chooses to follow the right advice hopefully it will be principled advice.
Sometimes there's popular advice and principled advice. What I hope to expose today is some of the
popular advice that could cause us some problems and then talk about some of the principled advice
that we should be using to solve problems instead. Here's a piece of bad advice,
many parents will tell each other, "Well, just wait until there's a problem then talk about it", that
is not good parenting advice. A wise parent tries to perceive what types of problems
could happen potentially in their home or to their child and they try to prepare the child ahead of
time by pre-teaching the child. Think about if you waited to talk about abuse or stranger danger
until there was already a problem that doesn't even make logical sense, does it? But when it
comes to certain behavior many parents do not want to prepare the child for success. I totally
believe in preparing a child for success. In fact, I have seen that preparing a child for success
works the majority of a time. In fact, if you teach a child ahead of time what they need to know for
an upcoming circumstance chances are they're going to make the right decision in that circumstance.
I've seen it happen more times than I can count. Many parents give this bad advice,
pick your battles. Sure, we don't want to micromanage people and be hyper-controlling.
But should you really even have battles at all? When I hear that phrase pick your battles I think I mean
kind of but why are we battling with the children anyway? Why is that our mindset at all?
Shouldn't we be teaching, discussing, correcting? But we don't need to be battling. A correction
doesn't need to be an attack, does it? In fact, if we see it that way I would imagine our tone
is going to be coming across wrong all the time and when a person learns self-government hopefully,
they're having a change of heart. This means that the right type of tone is hitting home.
So, if you need to correct your child lovingly consistently correct them don't have a battle
at all. I'm going to expose more bits of bad parenting advice that can confuse and just
sometimes doesn't even work. But before I do that click the subscribe button now.
You will want to catch more videos on this channel that relate to self-government and improving your
bonds relationships and behavioral outcomes with your children. Here's something that is
a bad practice that many parents get involved in and they think they have to do it. That is giving
reminders and extra chances to children. When we give reminders and extra chances to children
I know we think that that's merciful because we're not correcting a situation. But that's only
merciful if being corrected is bad but we already covered that being corrected does not have to be
bad or feel bad that's all a mental state of mind right and our tone conveys whether it's bad or not.
So, if being corrected isn't bad why are we so worried about correcting in the first place?
So, if you have a child who maybe you give them an instruction and they don't do it do you give
them more and more time and just nag and nag? No, that teaches them not to follow through the first
time with something. It also teaches them to wait for your nagging before they do follow-through
and they get entitled too. They don't think they should have to accept any negative consequences
for any of their negative choices, this is not healthy for them at all. So, what you want to do
is you want to go straight to a correction a consistent loving correction every time. Don't
do all those extra choices. If you really want to be merciful for your child pre-teach ahead of time
say, "I'm going to give you an instruction remember to follow an instruction, you look at the person,
keep a calm face voice and body, say okay you're asked to disagree appropriately, do the task
immediately, and then check back. If you choose to follow the instruction I'll give you a high five
and some praise you'll have probably more time to do things you want to do. But if you choose not to
follow the instruction then I will need to do a correction and you'll get the opportunity to earn
an extra chore. Here's the instruction, I need you to clean the bathroom sink", right, whatever it is.
So, you give that pre-teach as opposed to giving the nagging. Pre-teaching is always better than
extra chances and reminders. Here's another thing that people often do that is not effective. They
fall into the trap of discussing everything right in the minute. So, something happens and there has
to be a discussion and no answer is given and there has to be a discussion. This is not
good for the child to always be talking back on a regular basis and having to go through everything
all the time with the parent. when a child is allowed to talk back or engage in a discussion of
absolutely everything all the time. this teaches the child to power struggle, manipulate, and it
teaches them that they don't ever want to be in compliance. If we want to maintain proper parental
authority then we do need to have some compliance. So, that one person is clearly the leader which is
the parent and the child is the learner. So, they do need to comply sometimes which means that we
shouldn't have to discuss everything. Now, that said, I do try to make sure I tell my children why I'm
instructing certain things or why I'm giving certain no answers at the time I give that. But
after that they need to just be able to say okay and go ahead and do whatever it is or accept the
no answer and if they have something they need to tell me then they know that they have a skill
called disagreeing appropriately that they can always use instead of just talking back. Another
piece of bad advice that parents often give is that you should put financial pressure on children.
I think there is healthy pressure and unhealthy pressure. So, when my children are 12 and up they do
get the opportunity to buy their own clothing and gifts for people and stuff like that. But they also
get the opportunity to make money and if they had a need of course I would take care of it. But there
are some parents that start treating children in a hands-off way where it's like you now have to
behave as if you're an adult. You have to have all of the responsibilities and they start treating
the child as if the financial burden for their existence is theirs. I do think that that is wrong.
We shouldn't be putting that type of pressure on children because it actually detaches them from
us prematurely. It also increases their stress. Now, I do think children need to learn how to work, how
to save, how to make plans, and goals for life and they need to be motivated to do all these things.
But parents can do that in a way that does not increase stress and pressure to such a degree. I've
seen parents who do some pretty hard things to their children by like making their children pay
you know board and rent and stuff even when they're still in high school.
I mean, come on, we have to be the parent. We have to decide that it's our job to take
care of them and we need to like that and they need to see the example for their future too.
Children shouldn't be treated like a burden and that's what that does it gives the message of
you're a burden to me. Instead we should be helping them prepare to launch. I have videos
all about that that you can watch that will help you teach your children work ethic stuff like that
without having to manipulate with money. Manyparents will say, "Oh, if I could just keep them
younger longer or I wish they just wouldn't grow up", they may have that wish but honestly,
we don't want our children not to grow up. That would be a bad piece of advice to try to follow
through on. Because maturity helps everyone bond more and it helps everyone be understood
and be happier. So, we do want our children to grow and progress and we should be discussing with them
and helping them to develop maturity every single day. ere's a myth related to parenting
that many parents will promote. They'll say, "The children have to be part of the digital
world right now", otherwise they're not going to be able to navigate it when they're older.
That is just not even true at all. Aren't most of us living proof of that especially if you're an
older parent like me. When I was raised there were no cell phones for people like me. I mean, they had
big bricks occasionally but that was very rare right and no one I knew had any of those things.
Computer came in I had to learn it, it's changed so many times. I have had so many different types of
computers now. I just have to learn them each time. Being part of the digital world on a daily
basis does not make me any more ready to navigate the digital world later because it's changing
all of the time. Plus, what I really need is just self-control and being in it all the time creates
a dependency more than it creates self-control. I do teach my children how to behave with
the digital world but I first make sure that they learn self-government. If they can follow
instructions, accept no answers and criticism, accept consequences, and disagree appropriately
first the majority of the time then we'll start teaching them how to do all of the digital things.
Really, that's just a myth that is totally unfounded. It's like when people used to say which
I laugh at this now. I remember somebody telling me, "Oh yeah, they have to learn to play computer
games because it's good for their dexterity", their dexterity or what their carpal tunnel?
Come on, that was the silliest thing that people were promoting. People think that
playing computer games increases creativity like Minecraft and stuff. No, they increase creativity
by making a fort in the backyard a lot more than they do by stacking squares in Minecraft.
So, we just think things and say things and promote ideas that sometimes make us feel better but
they're really not true. Here's another one for you, Many people think that children need to be with
peers that are their same age the majority of time. Nope, they don't, social training can happen with
anyone of any age. So, a child can be with a parent and develop all the proper social skills. In fact,
they'll probably become more mature quicker which is actually a sign of good social development. So,
they can also be with younger children at the same time also, they don't have to be with children
every day. So, that's another thing too that is oftentimes a myth. Many people think that their
child has to have a friend or certain amount of friends or a friend group in order to be happy and
to get the proper development, it's just not tru. This one is probably the one that the most people
believe that is actually not true and it will be promoted. People say that children all children
have to hit a phase where they don't like their parents. That somehow this is healthy for them not
to like their parents or at the very least that this is just a natural part of their progression.
Not true. I did not have a situation with my four children where they didn't like me.
Did I have a time when I didn't like my parents? Yes, that's true but i actually was selfish during
those times and as soon as I reformed myself. Meaning, I learned that I needed to respect
their authority and position and why that was a good thing then everything became better for me.
A child does not have to go through a phase of not liking their parents or not honoring their parents.
This traditionally happens because parents and children do not nurture their bond properly. They
do not discuss openly and they spend too much time apart and with same-age peers, parents with
their peers, children with their peers. When in reality, they should be spending more time
together as a family and if they did that that would actually make it so that they would have
more affection toward each other. These are just a few of the things that parents promote that truly
create contention and problems and oftentimes are just not true and so we need to make sure
that we don't fall into those things. So, what is the solution? The solution is good bonding, good
self-government, training ahead of time, having good open communication, and helping the child develop
socially in a way that they are going to reach maturity sooner rather than later and how does
a parent do that? By creating an environment where a child gets the opportunity to learn
self-government. If you've enjoyed this video, I would like to teach you more about self-government
in my next video entitled the not so known secret for parenting success. Click on that
video now and you will learn more about the skills and principles of self-government
that will help you not fall victim to those pieces of bad advice anymore.