(gasping)
(rock music)
- Messy is fun, okay?
My whole life is a giant mess
and I love it.
I know what things are.
You're like an angel with no wings.
- So like a person.
- Everything hurts,
running is impossible.
(grunting)
Windows are the eyes to the house.
Anything is a toy if you play with it.
I have no idea what I'm doing,
but I know I'm doing it really, really well.
Uh oh,
nailed it.
- Are you crying?
- No I am not crying, okay?
I'm allergic to jerks!
(gasping)
Butter is my favorite food.
I'm allergic to sushi.
Every time I eat more than eighty sushis, I barf.
Oh, I'm fine, it's just that life is pointless
and nothing matters and I'm always tired.
Also, I can't sleep, I'm overeating,
none of my old hobbies interest me.
Oh babe, thank God you're here!
I got so bored I started thinking about existence.
Do I matter?
Do any of us?
Is there a master plan in the works?
A grand design?
Just dumb stuff like that.
If you rearrange the letters of Peru,
you could spell Europe.
I definitely have more lions than
any other country in the whole world right now.
There's an old saying in show business,
the show must go wrong.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
I read that once on a can of lemonade.
But I like to think that it applies to life.
I tried to make ramen in the coffee pot
and I broke everything.
Just remember, everything you look up at the moon,
I, too, will be looking at a moon.
Not the same moon, obviously, that's impossible.
Honestly, you'd look hot naked.
When I get bummed out, I take my shirt off
because the bad feelings make me feel sweaty.
Did you know that the food you eat becomes energy?
Yeah, boom, that's spaghetti, nachos.
That's a cookie.
I found all three differences.
- Those are two completely different pictures.
- When Leslie's in trouble there is only
one man for the job, Burt Macklin, FBI.
You thought I was dead?
So did the President's enemies.
I'm gonna tell you all of my secrets.
- Oh, no, that's not necessary.
- I once forgot to brush my teeth for five weeks.
I didn't actually sell my last car,
I just forgot where I parked it.
I don't know who Al Gore is, and,
at this point, I'm too afraid to ask.
When they say two percent milk,
I don't know what the other ninety-eight percent is.
When I was a baby, my head was so big
scientists did experiments on me.
I once threw beer at a swan,
and then it attacked my niece Rebecca.
I can't believe we're at Hogwarts!
- No, that's Buckingham Palace.
Hogwarts is fictional, do you know that?
It's important to me that you know that.
- Ron and Diane, sitting in a tree,
K-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I.
Do you hear that bird?
For the last time, Ron, it's Princess Rainbow Sparkle.
Was it Putin?
Voldemort Putin?
Attention everybody, madames and miswahs.
If you would do me the obligation
of having your honor here to fore
in the room doth right over there, uh hence.
- What?
- Big event in that room, fifteen minutes.
Leslie, this is a really cool penis.
- So far so good, but uh, in the words of Jerry Maguire
- The human head weights eight pounds.
Hey Leslie, who cares, they're old people.
They eat, they sleep, they complain,
they watch Family Feud, oh my god,
I wanna be an old person.
Oh my god
(heavy breathing)
This maze is like a maze.
So I thought to myself, don't think Andy, act.
- So, you weren't thinking.
- Not at all, I cannot emphasize enough
how little I was thinking.
I didn't even have time to take a shower before my wedding.
Or after, for like a week and a half.
Gases fill the volume of, uh,
whatever container they're in, school.
(rock music)