- She slept over.
That's a weird one.
She spent the night.
A one night stand spending the night is like,
I mean, that's like if you ordered in food
and the delivery guy stayed while you ate it.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
I ran into my biological father recently.
I told my friend, he was like,
"Is your biological father a good person?"
And I was like, "If he were, I probably would not
refer to him as my biological father."
(audience laughing)
Most people say dad.
(audience laughing)
I look exactly like him. I show my friend a picture.
He was like, "Oh my God.
It's like you guys were separated at birth."
(audience laughing)
We were.
(audience laughing)
I liked the cool dad when I was a kid.
My friend's dad would smoke weed with us, and I was like,
"This guy is cool." You know?
Now that I'm older, it turns out he is not cool.
(audience laughing)
Turns out he's a grown man that did drugs with children, so.
(audience laughing)
Quite the opposite.
(audience laughing)
First time I met my biological father,
he took me out to lunch, and the place he took me
turned out to be a family style restaurant,
which kind of ironic.
They should make broken family style restaurants.
(audience laughing)
You just walk in, like, "Where's the waiter?"
(audience laughing)
I think he abandoned us. I don't know, but...
(audience laughing)
They forget to come out and sing Happy Birthday.
They're like, "We forgot, but-"
(audience laughing)
"We'll make it up to you next year."
Another guy comes out, he's like,
"I don't actually work here. I'm just banging the owner.
I'll be your step waiter."
(audience laughing)
Is that one too real for the crowd? Sorry.
(audience laughing)
It's hard not to drink, man. It's very hard.
I work in a place where there's a bar every night.
I've been trying to be good. It's very difficult.
I read this article that said,
"Try to replace drinking with another activity,
like tennis with a friend."
I was like, "Yeah, that's a very helpful example.
That's always the crossroads I find myself at at 4:57 a.m."
I can't tell you how often I'm coming out
of a blackout like,
"Fuck, I should have done doubles instead."
(audience laughing)
I brought my Wilson racket and everything.
You're telling me to replace an addiction with cardio.
That's very helpful.
(audience laughing)
I'm gonna start walking in the halfway houses
full of crack heads, like, "Have you guys done Zumba?"
It's- (audience laughing)
So much better than crack.
(audience laughing)
They're like, "Thanks, we didn't know.
"That was helpful."
Of course you want to get fucked up.
Have you have you tried living?
(audience laughing)
I'm happy and I want to get fucked up.
Have you watched the news? It makes you want to drink.
Another mass shooting after another mass shooting.
It's always the same thing too.
It's always some guy who's like,
"I heard voices in my head."
We all do.
(audience laughing)
Everyone hears voices in their head.
Good people just don't listen to them.
- If I listened to all the voices in my head,
I would be a sometimes gay street fighter, so.
(audience laughing)
I was in a relationship two and a half years.
I never cheated once, not once.
I'm on the road all the the time.
People are like, "What's your secret?
How do you stay faithful on the road?"
This is my secret. I'll tell you.
Two and a half years never cheated once.
My secret, not one woman tried to (beep) me.
(audience laughing)
I mean, thank you. Thank you.
(audience laughing)
Am I a hero? Yes I am.
(audience laughing)
I'd be alone on a plane, beautiful women walking towards me.
I'd be like, "This chick better not sit next to me."
She'd sit next to me. We wouldn't speed the entire flight.
I'd be like, "That was a close call."
I mean- (audience laughing)
I'm an amazing person.
(audience laughing)
Then your friends pressure you to get on these dating apps.
They're very intimidating.
Sometimes the pictures don't even match the occupation.
Just like a gorgeous woman bent over
with a finger in her mouth and you're like,
Saint Jude's Children's Hospital?
(audience laughing)
If you say so, I'm just worried about the children
at this point, you know?
One of my friends was like,
"I got this dating site for you."
Comes over, it's a prison dating site.
Incarcerated women was his suggestion.
And we laughed for like five minutes,
but then like minutes six, we're like,
"There's some attractive women here."
(audience laughing)
But then it shows you the crimes they commit,
and you're like, double homicide's probably
a bad idea, you know?
(audience laughing)
But they have actual profiles.
One of 'em actually said, "I love the outdoors."
You're like, "Yeah, I mean obviously."
(audience laughing)
I mean, turns out you like money laundering
a bit more unfortunately, but-
(audience laughing)
But how much true crime is there gonna be?
Are you guys watching this like me?
It's so addictive. Yeah.
Give it up for all these murderers
for all this great content.
You keep killing. We'll keep watching.
That's what I say.
(audience laughing)
I don't wanna point fingers here,
but you women are getting murdered at an alarming rate.
I don't know if you're paying attention.
I would recommend never going home with us, ever.
(audience laughing)
If a woman goes home with you,
she really trusts you, or she's taking a chance, you know?
So whenever I open the door, I always turn to her and I say,
"Hey, thanks for rolling the dice."
You know? (audience laughing)
I appreciate it.
That's all I watch is murder and stand up.
I've been doing this for a while.
I see comics sometimes on Netflix.
I'm like, "This guy fucking stinks."
I wonder if murderers watch true crime,
like, "This is pretty disappointing honestly."
(audience laughing)
Three murders in five years?
I should be the one on television.
(audience laughing)
Delta took away 20,000 of my hard earned
road comedian airline miles.
This happened six years ago, but I'm not over it.
And- (audience laughing)
I called to complain and this woman picks up the phone.
She just goes, "Oh, we don't do this anymore."
I was like, "You don't do what?"
She was like, "We don't do complaints anymore."
(audience laughing)
Pardon me?
She's like, "Yeah, you can email our complaint division
but it takes like six months."
And I was like, "That's ridiculous."
Then she said, "Also, your mother's a (beep)."
(audience laughing)
I'm paraphrasing, but that's how her words
made me feel, you know?
I can say whatever I want as long as that's how I feel.
That's what my therapist Allen says.
(audience laughing)
So I get transferred to my next rep. She's even worse.
She said, "Well, your miles are from 2010.
We didn't start keeping track until 2011, so sorry."
Yeah, she said, "Sorry."
with an A-Y.
It's the least sincere apology of all.
You would never go to a funeral, "Sorry."
(audience laughing)
And if you do, that's the murderer right there.
(audience laughing)
"Sorry for your loss."
(audience laughing)
Are you?
So I said, "This isn't fair."
She said, "Well, I don't know what to tell you."
Said, "I feel like you're being kind of condescending."
She said, "Oh, am I?"
"Yeah, you're talking down to me."
She said, "Oh, well."
I'm not proud of what I said next. It was a little subtle.
I said, "I hope that you die in a fire."
(audience laughing)
True story. She hung up on me.
Look, I overstepped a little.
Rude customer service. Hour plus hold the time.
Fiery death may be a little extreme.
(audience laughing)
I should have gone with moderate form of cancer
for my insult, you know?
You guys can pull back here, but I'm gonna power through,
'cause I believe in myself.
I'm talking treatable, stage 1 cancer.
And then she shows up at the hospital
and they're like, "There's nothing we can do.
Your insurance ran out in 2010, so-"
(audience laughing)
"Sorry."
(audience applauding)
- I've been having bad allergies and yeah, it's bad.
I go into the drug store to get Claritin-D,
and they make you sign a form to prove
you're not gonna make meth.
Which I feel like if you're
in the drug distribution business,
a waiver is not really deterrent, you know?
If there's some meth kingpin going down they're like,
"Not only did he sell methamphetamine,
he lied to Monique at Walgreens."
(audience laughing)
"He's a monster."
(audience laughing)
That's a perk by the way, you don't really, you know,
you don't hear about meth that you don't get allergies.
(audience laughing)
Right? That's kind of nice.
You're walking around about the pollen count.
Some dude calls out of a dumpster,
he's like, "I didn't even notice."
(audience laughing)
"Too busy trying to find my kids."
I was,
been the road a lot lately.
I was in a Wilmington, North Carolina,
and I was doing a gig.
And I was a little, little buzzed, you know, a little drunk.
And I'm in the elevator and I'm talking
to this couple in the elevator,
and I thought they were being nice,
but they were just messing with me.
Like at,
at one point the woman just said,
"So how was your night?"
And I said, "It was pretty good. I did two shows."
She's like, "Oh, you're a comedian?"
Said, "Yeah." She's like, "Tell us a joke then."
Then said, "I'd rather not.
This has never gone well off stage ever in my life."
She's like, "Just tell us a joke."
And I'm like, "I'd really rather not."
Her husband leans and he goes,
"Tell her a (beep) joke."
It's like, what are you gonna bully me
into entertaining you in the elevator?
No, I'm not gonna tell you a joke,
and he just gets in my face.
He goes, "Really?"
And they just walk out like they one upped me,
and I feel like an idiot.
I'm like, why didn't you just tell 'em a joke?
You could have whipped something up.
You know a lot of jokes.
So I'm like, "Oh, hold on a second."
They turn around and he's like, "What?"
I said, "I'll tell you a joke."
He's like, "Oh yeah, you're gonna tell us a joke?"
Said, "Yeah, here's a joke.
Two hick dip ships walk into an elevator, right?"
And I just let the doors slowly shut, right?
(audience laughing) (audience cheering)
(upbeat music)