On Saturday, the world's biggest sporting event
kicked off the round of 16 with the Netherlands scoring yet
another victory and the United States
learning firsthand why they call it the knockout stages.
And this was especially humiliating for the US
because the Dutch team plays in those little, wooden
shoes, so--
but don't be sad.
Don't be sad.
The good news for America is the next World
Cup will be in the US.
Yeah.
[cheering]
Which means-- which means all the players
will be allowed to use guns.
Yeah.
Don't worry.
They can't use their hands to shoot them.
Should be interesting.
In international news, after months of protests
over its strict hijab laws, Iran
is reportedly considering abolishing
its infamous morality police.
[cheering]
Yeah.
That's right.
And if that happened, it would be wild.
Iran might defund the police before Milwaukee.
Speaking of morality police, some news
out of the US Supreme Court.
This morning the justices heard arguments
on whether a Colorado-based web designer can refuse to build
websites for gay weddings, which she says
violates her religious beliefs.
And I'm sorry, but what is this web designer's process
that making a wedding website violates
her religious beliefs?
It's just like, OK, I'm adding your hotel block info, time
and date of ceremony, a hardcore
video of the two of you [bleep] each other, and done.
[laughter]
Out of here, man.
All right, let's move on to some
of the biggest stories of the day, starting with Twitter.
It's what Elon Musk bought for his midlife crisis
instead of a Lamborghini.
Over the weekend, Elon released the so-called Twitter files,
which many conservatives had hoped
would prove that Twitter colluded with Democrats
to censor news about Hunter Biden's laptop
during the 2020 election.
Instead, they mostly just showed the Biden
campaign asking Twitter to take down
nude photos of Hunter Biden.
So, yeah, sorry, everyone.
If you want to see naked people,
you've got to go to every other website on the internet,
I guess.
So the Twitter files turned out to be a major letdown
for conservatives.
Right?
There was no proof of a conspiracy
to help defeat Donald Trump.
But you know who doesn't care about any of that?
Donald Trump.
Former President Donald Trump's false claims
about the 2020 election now have
him calling for the Constitution to be terminated.
"With the revelation of massive and widespread fraud
and deception in working closely with big tech
companies, the DNC, and the Democratic Party,
do you throw the presidential election results of 2020
out and declare the rightful winner,
or do you have a new election?
A massive fraud of this type and magnitude
allows for the termination of all rules,
regulations, and articles, even those
found in the Constitution."
Yeah, that's right.
The Republican frontrunner for president of the United States
wants to terminate the Constitution
because Twitter wouldn't allow him
to see Hunter Biden's dick. Yeah.
[laughter]
He's like, (IMITATING TRUMP) I want to see the peepee.
I want to see it.
I want to see what I'm dealing with.
If you want to see Hunter Biden's dick,
just get a bag of cocaine like everyone else, Mr. President.
Also, why is this still news?
Can anyone tell me?
Like, why is this still even a headline?
Donald Trump thinks this undermines the election.
He thinks that about everything--
everything.
However the math equation starts,
his answer is always the same.
Doesn't matter where-- it's like a waiter could
come up like, I'm sorry, sir.
The kitchen says we've run out of the Mickey
Mouse pancakes. (IMITATING TRUMP) This is the last straw.
We need to redo the election.
We do have the Donald Duck waffles. (IMITATING TRUMP)
It's too late.
I'm storming the Capitol.
I'll have those to go, please.
And, look, I get that Trump doesn't like to lose.
But, my man, 2020 is over.
You've got to move on.
Trump is like one of those guys who never stops trying
to get back with his ex.
Like, he's texting her years later like, hey, you up?
And she's like, yeah, I'm up with my kids from my marriage.
Like, oh, still playing hard to get.
I like that.
But, honestly, though, what a start
to the Trump 2024 campaign.
First, he had dinner with Nazi lovers.
Now he's calling to scrap the Constitution.
What's next?
Is he going to give the Lincoln Memorial enormous boobs,
and still the GOP is going to come out like, (IMITATING
MCCONNELL) well, I personally would
have gone with a tasteful B cup,
but I think President Trump's heart is in the right place.
Mah.
But enough of Trump and his craziness.
Let's calm things down with a news story out of Tampa,
Florida, where we finally found the answer to the quantum
physics paradox, what happens when a police officer pulls
over the chief of police?
Tampa's top cop has been placed on administrative leave
after she flashed her badge, apparently
using her status as police chief
to get out of a traffic stop.
After the deputy proceeds to explain to them why they were
being pulled over, which, by the way,
was because they were driving a golf cart on a public road
without the appropriate tags, this happened.
Is your camera on?
OFFICER: It is.
I'm the police chief in Tampa.
OFFICER: Oh, how you doing?
I'm doing good.
OFFICER: OK.
I'm hoping that you'll just let us go tonight.
OFFICER: Oh, OK, yeah.
All right, folks.
Well, have a good night.
Oh, all right.
You ever need anything-- call me.
OFFICER: OK. - Serious.
OFFICER: All right, appreciate that.
Thank you. OFFICER: Yes, ma'am.
You're welcome. So--
Thank you for your service.
Oh.
[laughs] You know, I don't know what's funnier in that video.
First of all-- first of all, I think
it's crazy that she asks if the officer's
body cam is on before incriminating herself.
[laughter]
Because what was she going to do if the body camera was off?
Oh, it's not recording.
Quick, Doug, whap him over the head!
Let's get out of here!
Just hit him!
And, secondly, I love how she does that thing.
Like, if you notice it, she does that thing
that white people do, where they act like it hurts
them to pull rank over you.
She's like, do you know, turns out I'm the--
I'm the chief of police.
[laughter]
Yeah, that's--
[applause]
I-- I didn't want to bring it up, but I am.
White people love doing that shit!
Yeah, they'll be at a hotel like,
can I get a late checkout from my room?
Be like, I'm sorry, sir.
We can't accommodate you.
Oh, but I do own the hotel.
Yeah, I'm Brad Radisson.
Yeah.
Ah.
That's what I love about Black people.
There's no pretending.
Black people aren't pretending that it pains them
to wield their power over you.
They'll just tell you.
Be like, sorry, sir, we can't do a late checkout for you.
Like, late check out for me, bitch.
I own this hotel!
Shit, I check out when I want.
You don't tell DaQuan Radisson when he can
check out of his own hotel!
I'll tell you, you can check out.
Now, after this video came out, the mayor of Tampa
suspended this police chief.
And because of the pressure, she was forced to resign,
which, can I just say, is the biggest waste
of a scandal of all time.
This is what you used your pow-- you realize there are
police chiefs who have stolen millions
of dollars in drug money.
Meanwhile, she's out here like, yeah I pulled some strings
and drove super slow on the highway.
[laughter]
But enough about that.
Let's move on to a story that had the internet
buzzing all weekend.
And it's about artificial intelligence, which,
by the way, is not when you regurgitate
an Atlantic article and act like you
thought of it for yourself. No.
For years, people have been wondering when we would see
the next step in natural language processing
from the world of AI.
And it looks like the future is already here.
REPORTER: A new artificial intelligence
is astounding the internet with its ease
of use and human-like writing ability.
ChatGPT was opened to the public last weekend.
And many have already posted their interactions
with the bot.
So far, it's written television scripts, fixed coding errors,
and even explained scientific concepts
in the voice of a pirate.
Yeah, that's right.
For years, people have been saying,
robots might be able to pack boxes,
but they will never be able to write
a poem like human beings.
Well, it turns out your shitty poetry has some competition.
Because I don't know if you've used
this chat bot, but it is insane.
Not only can it understand a question you're asking,
and then teach you about the most complicated topics--
it can design a lesson plan.
It can give you the information.
And it's not regurgitating it.
It's explaining it to you.
It can also write out the answers as
if a pirate was teaching you.
You understand how amazing that is?
Like, quantum physics is one, but a pirate on top of that.
Like, I wish I had this technology as a kid.
The only reason I failed any subject
is because the teacher was boring.
But if Blackbeard was teaching me about physics,
I would have remembered everything. (IMITATING PIRATE)
Yar, light operates as both a wave and a particle
the same way you can operate as both a human and fish food.
Walk the plank!
Mah!
[shouts] Don't forget to do your homework.
[applause]
Obviously-- obviously-- obviously,
this technology has a lot of people asking,
is this going to replace my job as a teacher
or as a receptionist, journalist, or even an author?
And the truth is we don't really know.
But it is interesting to see how our fears about AI
have shifted radically over the years.
Right?
In the '80s and the '90s, we thought that in the future,
people would be like, these damn machines
are wiping out the human race!
And now our fear is that, in the future,
we're going to be like, these damn machines keep writing
love letters to my wife!
She's going to leave me!
And you've got to admit-- you've got to admit it's weird
that we are this obsessed with robots talking like humans,
but we all hate talking to actual humans.
Right?
Like, everyone's using this like, wow,
it's like I'm talking to my mom.
It's like, hey, your mom's actually
calling you right now. Ah, let it go to voicemail.
Let it go to voicemail.
Ask it if it's proud of me.
All right, that's it for the headlines.
But before we go to break, it's time
to check in on all the latest social media trends
with our very own Ronny Chieng, everybody.
[cheering]
Thanks, Trevor.
Thank you.
All right.
TREVOR NOAH: What is happening online?
Well, I've been poring through tweets,
Instagrams, OnlyFans, TikToks, Snapchats, OnlyFans, 4Chans,
mastodons, OnlyFans again.
And now I'm mentally ill.
Here's what's trending, the World Cup,
where for 90 minutes, two countries
can put politics aside and hate each other
based on pure ethnicity.
Today Croatia beat Japan, and Brazil
knocked South Korea out.
And the thing about the World Cup
is that when you come from a country like me,
Malaysia, that's never in the World Cup, all you can do
is cheer for people who look a little bit like you--
Japan, Korea.
And then when they got eliminated,
you just cheer for whoever is not white, so France.
[cheering]
But the big story of the day, as you said,
was the AI chatbot, the [bleep] Charles Dickens robot trying
to make Siri look illiterate.
Personally, I don't like this bot, OK?
Because every time you ask it a question, it cranks
out a 10,000-word think piece.
Relax.
We got enough humans with opinions.
I don't need my Roomba to develop
a hot take on anti-Semitism.
[laughter]
And, by the way, did I miss an update or something?
Because we got robots writing sonnets here.
But every time I call Verizon, that robot can't
even recognize me saying yes.
[laughter]
OK?
So let's bring back the picture AI.
Bring back that one.
That one was cool.
They were putting Drake in The Matrix.
Now that was useful, all right?
And if you don't recognize this,
that means that you're not on Black Twitter
enough because that shit was popping.
All right?
Follow me @StirFryHoTap.
[laughter]
And, by the way--
this joke for the Black people.
And, by the way, I know you're saying
this AI is going to take over a lot of jobs, OK?
And maybe it will.
But I'm not worried about it taking over comedy jobs.
Because AI can't do what we do, all right?
AI doesn't have the emotion, the artistry,
or the fundamental ability to get hit in the balls.
And, as we know, nothing is as funny as getting hit
in the balls.
I mean, the magic of what we do is not a mathematical equation
that can--
ow!
Ow!
You see that?
You see that, Trevor?
You see how funny that was?
An AI bot can never do that.
So you can kiss my ass, R2-D2.
[laughter]
Everyone's so excited about this thing.
I mean, look-- look at what people are tweeting about it.
I mean, just look at this guy.
Look at this idiot.
Oh, AI is the future.
Oh, wow, what a genius.
Did this guy go to MIT?
I mean, what's he going to predict
next-- that Apple will come up with a new iPhone next year?
I mean, I hope this guy is a bot because no human would
write anything that stupid.
[laughter]
Anyway, Trevor, I got to go meet
this really hot woman online.
She really likes me, and she's smart as hell.
And she talks like a pirate.
So I'll see you later, loser.
Well, good luck with that, Ronny.