You love them so much. Your spouse, at first you hang on every single word they
say. So, then why all of the sudden do we have
problems communicating as time goes on? Why sometimes the longer were together,
the worse our communication is? So, in this video, I'm going to teach you how to
improve communication in your marriage.
We're going to talk about 5 different ideas that I have for you for how to
improve your communication as a couple. And then after that, I'm going to get a
little vulnerable and I'm going to share a story about how I was messing up my
relationship with my husband. And how we fixed that.
The first idea comes from my husband Spencer. And this is a big statement for
him to make. He said, "Well, in order to improve your communication as a couple,
you have to talk more." I know. That seems so hard, right? Some
people aren't talkers. And other people are talkers. There's all of those love
languages, the 5, right? And only one of the 5 is those verbal affirmations
and that talking that you do with somebody. And if one person's a talker
and the other person isn't, there's a sacrifice that has to be made so that
that love and that understanding can exist in the relationship. My husband
says he's not a talker but if you get him in the right setting at the right
time, he'll never stop. But by and large, I'm probably the one that's more of the
talker. Especially when it comes to talking about goals that we want to set
or things like that. Where he sort of feels like that conversation isn't his
favorite type of conversation. But what he was telling me when we were
discussing our couple relationship and how we improve it was that he decided
that it was important for him to talk more so that we could bond more because
that was important for me. So, maybe this idea really is... I mean talk more is
important. But maybe the idea really is do what the other person needs you to do.
Don't feel like they always have to bend to you. But bent toward them instead. Idea
number two is don't always say everything. We had to follow the talk
more with "Now, wait. Don't always talk." Because that can cause its own problem.
My husband and I see the world through different lenses.
Even though we're so similar in so many ways. So, he's a detail-oriented guy. And
I'm a big-picture girl. Which means I look at everything in front of me with
this eye of possibility. And I see how all the pieces connect to each other. And
he just says I just want to look at this one thing. I can't care about everything
else right now. And so, let's not talk about everything else right now. So, you
see if he hyper focuses on details, I'm going to think you're just stressing
yourself out. There's a way bigger picture out here than that. And if I
start talking about big picture too much, then he's going to think "Why are you being
so overwhelming all the time? Why do you have to bring up all this stuff when
it's not going to happen yet?" Big picture and detail. 2 different kinds of people.
No matter how you or your spouse see the world, because we all have our own lens,
we have to acknowledge that those differences exist. And then don't say
everything that comes to our mind. That's important. So, if he starts going on about
some detail that maybe I don't really care about but he does. I'm just going to be
charitable and I'm going to listen and let him have his talk time. And then I'm not
going to share that I don't care, that it bugs me, that I have something else to do.
I'm just not going to talk during that time. Maybe some people think that's not being
fully honest with your spouse. But it actually is being fully charitable. It's
being caring. And caring is important. You don't have to share every thought and
feeling that you have in your head or body to be completely honest. What is the
real truth? The real truth is you love that person more than anything else. So,
why wouldn't you sacrifice a little bit of your time for them and a little bit
of your attention? No. That's holding on to the real truth.
The real truth is it matters enough to sacrifice for that person. Idea number
3 is praise. In our family, we have a rule with our parenting which you can
see in some of my other parenting videos. We have a rule that we praise our
children 6 to 10 times for every one time that
correct them. Well, why would that just apply to children? Do we ever correct
each other as husband and wife? Oh, yes. And we're going to talk in a minute about
how to do those correction as well. But if we're going to be correcting our spouse,
shouldn't we also be praising them just like we would do for the children or a
co-worker or anybody else? Of course. So, we praise each other every chance
that we can get. In fact, what I've noticed with my husband and I don't know
if it's all husband's or just his personality, but if he gets praised, he is
so much more into me and into our relationship. The love seems to just
explode. And it feels like I've noticed something valuable about him. He's funny
because he knows he needs praise. And we've had many conversations about how
he needs praise. And so, sometimes he'll come to me and say, "Look, honey. I did all
of this laundry. And I did it while you were out." And then he'll look at me and
say, "I need praise." Which kind of ruins it?So, then we tease each other and I say, "Oh,
honey. You did such a great job at this laundry. Thanks for doing it. While I was
out, I didn't even have to help. What a blessing. That saves so much time today."
And he'll say, "I don't believe it." And so, then of course I give him a
little kiss and say, "You're amazing." Anyway, but sometimes we even tell each
other, "I need praise." Which is totally okay. Why
can't we talk about any of our needs in a relationship? Why would our spouse have
to guess everything that we're processing and thinking? If you do that,
your relationships gonna have a lot of distance in it instead of closeness. You
should be able to talk about anything and that starts with appreciating
everything. Which means praise more. Idea number 4 for having good communication
in your marriage is to actually schedule a set communication time. In our family,
we have couples meetings every single Sunday afternoon. We go to church, we come
home. We eat lunch and then we have a couple's meeting. And we have certain
rules about these couples' meetings such as they're not going to happen on the
bed because otherwise we might fall asleep because we've got a food coma
after lunch after church. So, we have a certain place we have the meetings. We
have a certain time frame for the meetings. And then there's a certain
format that we go through and that we discuss in those meetings. That's what's
in this couples meeting journal. We look at what we've discussed previously. See
how we're doing on our goals and then we set new goals for ourselves. This is also
a great time to discuss the children and their needs and their lives. We discuss
with each other what type of parenting modifications we might need to make for
a particular child. Or what lessons a child needs to learn or what needs a
child might have. If there's one thing that can unify a couple, its being on the
same page with their parenting. If there's one thing that can divide a
couple, it's not being on the same page with their parenting. So, that's a key
part of our family communication. Now, if you have a spouse that does not want to
get on the same page with you it's your parenting, that doesn't mean all is lost.
There's many other things that we are discussing in this video that you can do
to be more charitable in your relationship and hopefully open that
door. Remember, even if they won't get on the same page
with you in your parenting, you can still choose to make the decision you know is
best for your relationship with the child. And the child will have to adapt
those are the differences. It's not the ideal, it is possible. But if you can do
it, establish those couples meetings together regularly, discuss the children
and work together as you strengthen each other in your communications with the
children about their bad behaviors. Now, here comes probably the most tedious of
the 5 ideas. Which is know how to correct each other. Yes, husband and wife
can correct each other. Only the most healthy relationships is that possible
but it absolutely is possible. So, maybe you're going to work up to this phase. But
hopefully, you decide as a couple "Who are we? Where are we going?
How are we going to handle this problem and this problem and solve this issue with
the children?" And then as part of our couple discussion in our couples meeting,
we discuss, "I've noticed something that you do that is becoming a problem for
the family or is a problem for me, can we talk about that?" And hopefully
everyone is charitable and loving and kind enough, in that couple meeting to
have that discussion. And if so, then we have a discussion about it, why it might
happen and we come up with a plan for how we can help correct each other and
stop each other in the moment where they're going to go in the direction that
they might not want to go with one of the family relationships. So, my husband
and I created this plan that if someone was starting to lose control... I'm not
going to say who *wink, wink*, honey. If you happen to be watching this. But if someone wasn't
going to lose control and maybe raise their voice a little or not be as patient then
the other person in the room (me) would make eye contact with him and would go
like this. Really quickly. Like, "Cut. I got this." And I would step in to help to
finish that interaction with the child. Or he would say, "I'm going to get calm for a
minute and then I'm going to come back." I have a calmness video that you're
probably going to want to look at. The video that goes into more detail on calmness
is called What Are Factors that Enhance Positive Parenting and Family
Relationships? Okay, now I have to share my embarrassing story. When I was a young
mother and I was doing foster care for troubled teens, I oftentimes would have
2 out of control teenagers and 2 out of control toddlers all at the same time.
And I would have them all to myself all day long. I started doing foster care so
that I could help support my family while my husband went back to school to
pursue a different degree. My own children were toddlers at the time that
we were taking in these foster children. It was a big emotional load on me. And he
was gone a lot. I started getting really rundown. And
sometimes he would tell me that he was going to come home and he would come home
late or he would forget to pick something up that I told him that I
wanted him to pick up. And I found myself looking forward to him coming home but
also getting angry at the same time. I didn't realize that I was sabotaging our
relationship at the time but I totally was. In fact, one day it finally hit me. I
was at the sink so we'd had dinner. And my love language is quality time. So, when
he doesn't make it for things that are quality time things for the family, it
kind of hurt a little. I'm so over that. But then I was not over that. Anyway, I was
doing the dishes after the meal. And I heard the garage door go up. And I went,
"Oh, he's here." And I immediately looked at the clock and thought, "Oh, he's so much
later. He missed dinner. He didn't call me because of this one he
said he would." And I started thinking in my mind everything I had been frustrated
with him for that day. In fact, I'm pretty sure I was taking out my emotional drain
on him. I know I was. Anyway. So, he walked in. And the second he walked in, I started
saying, "Well, why didn't you do this? Well, it's a good thing you're finally home
because..." Da, da, da, da, da, da, da. And I just started laying into him all of these
things. Husbands, please be patient with your wives. Because they don't actually
want to do that to you. But something just builds up and you're the first
friend they see. And all of a sudden they just let loose on you. And that is what
happened to me that day. And I had done it many other days. But this day I caught
myself and decided that was it. I am stopping myself from doing this. Here I
was teaching my foster children how to have self-government, how to have self
mastery over themselves. Yet, I was emotionally with my husband sabotaging
myself every day. So, as I laid into him when he came home that day, he started
retorting back to me. And our first words pretty much for the day that evening
were rude, were mean, were unkind and not considerate. And then he went his way and
I kept doing my dishes. And that whole I ended up being more silenced than
anything. It was terrible feeling. So, I finally decided to self-govern myself. I
decided I can give myself a no answer about those feelings. I can tell myself,
"No, I'm not doing that to myself or to him anymore."
Because I realized right then, the honest truth was I was ruining every night, not
him. So, that's what I did for myself. I said, "Okay, that's it." And I went to him
and I said, "Honey, I'm sorry. I am so sorry. As soon as that garage comes up, I start
thinking about why I'm frustrated at you. I'm being calm with everybody else all
day long yet for some reason I'm taking every emotion that I didn't spend that
day and I'm spending it on you. And I'm making a problem in our relationship. I
am so sorry. I'm not going to do it anymore. I'm going to
stop myself. And could you please help me stop it too? If you see me doing that,
will you please bring that to my attention and say, let's not do this,
let's talk about the good things today, let's have a hug and and change our
direction? Would you please? Because that would be a
really great reminder." And he said, "Yeah." And I think he was a little amazed that
I came to him and told him I was being proud and sabotaging our night. Because
that's what I was doing. But in the end, it healed so much in our relationship.
And it gave us the permission at that time to start helping each other more
with the way we were communicating. And correcting each other more on other
things and not feel like it was a personal attack if we weren't perfect in
front of the other person. I think husbands and wives a lot of
times get competitive with each other. One thinks they have to be better than
the other one. And it happens on both sides. It's just not necessary. Not when
you could work together. Not when you could help each other along. It requires
humility which is hard to adopt and it requires trust and love in the other
person. But if you put your focus on valuing them and their ability to help
you and their good heart and they do likewise, the unity that results is
beautiful. The video that you should watch next is the one that I mentioned
earlier. What Are Factors That Enhance Positive
Parenting And Family Relationships?