- I'm not from around here.
I'm originally from Alabama.
I moved to Denver nine years ago to experience
real time travel.
[laughter]
So that's been interesting.
I mean, living there is-- it's a little bit
of a different world, you know, the things that they're into,
the things that they enjoy.
They love to go hiking, which is, you know, to me,
it's hard for me to get into.
Walk around the woods for three hours,
listen for a woodpecker, it just doesn't do it for me.
And the problem that I have with it
is I just feel like especially first or second dates
should not be hiking.
It makes you a psychopath.
It does.
You're going to walk three miles into the woods
and learn that Trevor is a bunker boy?
You're hanging out with a guy that surfs the black market.
Now, what are you going to do?
Take off running?
That's Trevor's favorite, OK?
You've made a mistake.
I don't understand this.
And that's the way it is in Colorado.
These crunchy folks, they just want to walk around the woods,
you know?
The moon's in retrograde.
They're in a Subaru just really feeling it.
I mean, listen, if anybody takes you
on a date hiking on the first or second date, that's
the brokest person you've ever met.
They don't have any money.
Don't let them get away with this.
They're trying to really get you.
They're going to go on a walk in the woods, skip some rocks.
If they had some money, they'd be showing out.
You know, you'd be at a Chili's right now.
You know what I mean?
Getting one of those big margaritas, you know,
that have four straws, but there's only two of us.
Let's have an afternoon, you know?
It's different.
[cheering]
I'm trying to get used to it.
There's just so many things that are different, you know?
Like moving out there, I'd never seen anybody pick up dog
shit until I moved to Denver.
I didn't even know people were doing it.
Where I'm from, we just run over it with a lawn mower
'til we can't find it anymore.
I never dreamed I'd see so many people so excited.
I mean, as soon as it hits the ground, that's theirs.
And I mean, y'all know, HOA don't play.
You know what I mean?
And I can tell it's a good time.
Because they start to spin that bag a little bit, you know?
That's different to me.
That's different.
I think it's great.
You know, dogs are super popular.
You know, Denver, LA, I see them everywhere.
And I think rescuing dogs is a great thing.
But I never knew it was such a big deal.
When you live out in the country,
that's the only way we get ours.
It is, if a dog sits in your yard
for too long without a collar on, that's your dog.
It's not a ticket to heaven or a Facebook post.
You just got yourself your third mixed lab you, know?
And I feel like we earn ours out in the country
out in an open field trying to wrangle in a weenie dog.
It's not easy.
You know, not every dog wants to hop in every truck.
Some of them are trying to go home, you know what I mean?
But I feel like people in the city,
they make a big deal out of rescuing dogs.
And they've got it the easiest.
They go to an animal shelter, take a compatibility test.
The dog's Scorpio.
They can't believe that, you know?
They've been hoping all week for a gluten-free poodle.
Look at this, you know?
Whole family can pet it, you know?
Just a different world out there.
I'm getting used to it.
I'm a cat guy.
Y'all would have never guessed that.
[cheering]
Yeah, that's the loudest response.
That's not real cat people.
Real cat people just went like this, just very quiet.
It took all the energy a cat person has to be here tonight.
They didn't want to come out at all.
Their friends forced them to be-- cat people
don't yell like that.
They send emails, you know?
After the show, they're like, Derrick,
it's so exciting that you're a cat person.
I have seven.
How many do you have?
I'm like, damn, Katherine, I can
smell the piss through the keyboard, you know?
I've just got one.
I'm a normal guy, you know?
I'm a normal guy.
I don't know.
I like living in Denver.
I talk about it on stage a good bit.
There's a lot of hipsters there.
And I don't have a problem with hipsters.
They're some very nice people, you know?
The real issue that I've got here, I feel like,
is that hipsters are trying to take dairy from us, OK?
They are.
That's the only real issue I have.
And some of y'all have fallen for it, you know?
They've convinced y'all if you drank
a glass of milk and take a shit,
you've got a bad butt on you.
So I got to go around and remind
everybody that dairy is, in fact, a consequence
product, OK?
A dab will do ya.
And, listen, if you're-- if you're lactose
intolerant or you've got a stomach disease,
I'm not talking to you.
So unfold your arms, all right?
This is for the 95% of the room that's
going to eat three bowls of cereal
and go, "dairy is being mean to me."
No, you did it to yourself.
The problem we have with dairy is it holds us accountable.
We hate accountability.
Nobody ever has a long night with dairy
and then sleeps 'til noon.
It doesn't exist.
Dairy shows up early.
[laughter]
There's two things in this world
that are abused and blamed the most, alcohol and dairy.
We love to take it to the limits and go,
I can't believe that did that to me.
No, I can't believe it treated me like that.
People do it with tequila.
They go, "tequila makes me fight.
It's like, no, it doesn't, Randy.
You had 11 shots and now you hate us.
Tequila didn't do shit about this.
It's the same thing with dairy.
Nobody's ever put a dab of dairy
like on the-- on their lip and lost their underwear.
It was from negligence.
You got carried away and you made a mistake
and now you're paying for it.
[cheering]
It's a hard lesson to learn.
And everybody's tolerance is different with dairy.
That makes it tough.
You got to go find out on your own what's too much for you.
You do.
It's your own personal journey.
Nobody's at a Mexican restaurant looking
at a menu going, "Hey, do these nachos
make you shit your pants?
Because if they do, I won't order them," you know?
No, Teresa, you're going to have
to do some field work, OK?
You're going to have to go and report back to camp
and tell us what happened, you know?
And that makes it tough on people.
It really does.
I'll tell you, the other night, I made the biggest mistake.
I ate a pint of ice cream before I went to bed.
Y'all already know.
My final thought before I closed my eyes,
tomorrow, we go to war.
I already knew.
I was like, sleep tight, Trojan,
you've made a huge mistake.
I mean, you've got a big one tomorrow, you know?
Because I knew dairy wasn't going to let me sleep in.
Dairy is going to show up at about 4:00 AM.
Its first question is going to be, who do you think you are?
No, look at me, who do you think you are?
And that's just dairy shooting you straight, you know,
telling you the truth.
It's the dairy fairy, you know?
And dairy likes to show up, like I said, at 4:00 AM.
It's still dark outside.
Your house is way colder than it should be.
You know, you're sitting there shivering.
You've already seen this Instagram already.
And there you are.
You're earning it.
And you're going to be better for this.
I mean, I break it down like this for people.
I would never go to Taco Bell, eat six burritos,
come out of the bathroom afterwards,
look at y'all, and go, "Hey, everybody
I am so allergic to six burritos from Taco Bell.
I don't know if it was the third or fourth one,
but I had a hell of a reaction."
Thank you so much, y'all.
I appreciate you.
[cheering]
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