- Welcome to Ask Joyce.
Who's Joyce?
This (beep).
This is
Joyce.
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This is.
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This is
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Ask Joyce.
Today, I'm going to answer all your
burning questions about the holidays.
I recently went on my Instagram
and I asked all you cuties
and booties exactly what kind of
advice you need during the holidays.
What makes me qualified?
Who knows?
But I'm cute.
I live with terrible roommates,
and I'm having a hard time feeling the holiday spirit.
You know what you should do?
You should blast
Mariah Carey's All I Want for Christmas is You
at six o'clock in the morning while
you make eggnog
and pancakes
and if your roommates got a problem with it,
tell them that they can leave.
Pay your deposit back
and they can leave.
So next!
How can I get a holiday boo?
We're in winter,
it's the time of commitment until
the end of spring which is when everyone breaks up
after Valentine's Day.
Go to a party.
A Christmas party like those
ugly sweater parties
or like your church's weird
revival thing that they do every New Year's
and snag a boo there
and if you don't have a holiday boo,
that's still okay because you have
the greatest present of all.
And that's you.
Next!
How do stay fit during the holidays?
Don't.
Next!
My brother doesn't get me anything for Christmas each year.
Should I buy him a gift
or nah?
You know, the good person in me would say
of course buy him a gift,
everyone deserves a great gift on Christmas.
Nah, don't buy him a gift cuz he ain't buying you nothing
and he's a disrespectful little crap head
and if he can't spend $5 at the dollar tree
just to get you a little trinket
or bottle of wine.
Nah.
Next question!
How do I survive my family?
You talk to your family for a couple of minutes
and then you go upstairs with a glass of wine
and you play your video games.
I hope you survive.
What should I get for the guy that I really like?
Something cute,
something funny,
and something cheap.
Cuz we don't waste money on boys.
Next!
How can I make Christmas more gay?
I mean, you're gay.
It's Christmas.
Done.
How do live under the stress of
the holidays without being miserable?
You get rid of all the stress in your life.
That means your hoes,
that means your credit report,
that means your enemies.
Get rid of all of it
and then just have a great time.
Next!
I can't wrap.
Me neither.
Next!
My family's very huge
but I don't want to waste all my money giving them gifts.
You know what you do?
Dollar Tree.
Ah, the sweet sweet smell of Dollar Tree.
Everything is a dollar.
You go in,
you spend $40,
that is 40 gifts
for the 40 people that you love.
And if they got an issue with it,
tell them that they shouldn't have had so many kids
so that you wouldn't have to spend
more than $40 as Christmas gifts.
Next!
My BFF is my ex's sister.
I'm going to spend my holidays in
their house with some of her friends.
Yikes.
I would be looking like a snack the whole entire time
and then forget they exist
because you know what?
They're your ex for a reason
and it's Christmas.
You could be getting with somebody new.
You could get a better gift with upgrades
and an Apple ISO.
WTF do I get my vegan health teacher for Christmas?
If I know anything about vegans,
they love their mushroom tea
and I love mushroom tea
because it helps me poop a lot.
Next!
What should I wear to Christmas dinner?
You should probably wear a nice pantsuit
or nothing.
What is a good snack for a holiday party?
You.
First holiday with divorced parents,
what should I do?
Well, I say if your parents got divorced
it's time to play sides.
Get the best gifts out of both of them.
Go to your mom
and tell her great stories about how much you love her
and she'll probably get that Tamagotchi you always wanted.
Then slip over to your dad's house.
Tell him stories about how his
steak is the best steak in the neighborhood.
You'll definitely get that
Maserati you've always wanted.
Next!
So pretty much this person just
sent me the words "get kinky".
Maybe you could do a Santa role play
or you could be a dreidel
and someone spins you like a top.
How do I get a boyfriend before next Monday?
Wow, Sis.
You sound like you have the fake boyfriend scenario.
I know you've been lying about him for months.
Telling your friend that he actually exists.
Here's what you do.
I want you to go on Tinder
and message each guy on your Tinder account.
Hey, I need a fake boyfriend.
I know that your mom hates your real girlfriend,
so why don't you go out with me?
Once you find the guy you send a pic to your family,
friends,
the guy that's creeping you out at your workplace
and who knows?
If it's according to fan fiction,
you might actually fall in love.
Is it rude to return a gift?
Totally.
But I would just sell it on eBay
like I do all the gifts I return.
How to bear with loneliness during the holidays.
Being alone away from your family,
away from your friends during the holidays
for work, money, life.
I get it.
I understand.
But one thing that you can always do is
remember that you are loved
and that they would rather be spending Christmas with you.
So this has been Ask Joyce holiday edition.
So if you have any other questions,
please at me on Insta.
I hope you have a happy holidays
and I hope you're more drunk than your uncle is.
I'm just going to play you a little beat in the back.
(beatboxes)
Merry Christmas.