WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO THE LATE SHOW.
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
THE BIG STORY-- (APPLAUSE)
THE BIG STORY AS WE ALL KNOW IS THAT PEOPLE ARE STILL TALKING
ABOUT WAS TRUMP'S TWEET ABOUT FOUR FRESHMAN CONGRESS WOMEN
RACIST?
WELL, I SAY IF IT WALKS LIKE A DUCK, AND QUACKS LIKE A DUCK, IT
PROBABLY JUST TOLD THE GEESE TO GO BACK TO CANADA.
(LAUGHTER) SO LAST NIGHT THE HOUSE OF
REPRESENTATIVES PASSED A RESOLUTION CONDEMNING TRUMP FOR
HIS RACIST COMMENTS.
THAT'S RIGHT, MR. PRESIDENT.
A FORMAL CONDEMN NATION!
YOU WATCH YOUR STEP, MISTER.
OR NEXT THEY WILL HIT YOU WITH A NOT ARIZED COMPLAINT AND BOOM, A
CEREMONIAL REBUKE.
(LAUGHTER) NOW ALL THE DEMOCRATS VOTED FOR
THE CONDEMNATION, ALONG WITH FOUR REPUBLICANS REPRESENTATIVE
FRED UPTON OF MICHIGAN, SUSAN W BROOKS OF INDIANA, RYAN
FITZPATRICK OF PENNSYLVANIA AND WILL HURD OF TEXAS.
PLAWTION (APPLAUSE)
OR-- .
>> Stephen: YEAH, OR AS THEY WILL SOORCH SOON BE KNOWN,
FREAKY FRED, LAZY SUSAN, BITYHY BRIAN AND I'M GOING TO GUESS THE
BLACK GUY IS FREDERICK DOUGLAS?
I DON'T KNOW.
>> Jon: MY GOODNESS.
MISSED ON THAT ONE.
>> Stephen: FUN FACT, OR FACT, I DON'T KNOW HOW FUN IT IS, FUN
FACT.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME THAT A SITTING PRESIDENT HAS BEEN SEN
SURED BY EITHER-- SEN SEURED BY EITHER HOUTS COUGH SINCE 191
WHEN THEY SEN SURED ALAN TAFT FOR EATING A CONGRESSIONAL PAGE.
YEAH, BUT SHOW TRUMP SHOW SAW THE VOTE AS A VICTORY TWEETING
SO GREAT TO SEE HOW UNIFIED THE REPUBLICAN PARTY WAS ON TODAY'S
VOTE CONCERNING STATEMENTS I MADE ABOUT FOUR DEMOCRAT
CONGRESS WOMEN.
THE REPUBLICAN VOTE WAS 187-4.
WOW.
(LAUGHTER) SO GREAT, YES, WE LOST.
BUT I COVERED THE SPREAD.
NOW THESE FOUR CONGRESS WOMEN ARE KNOWN IN WASHINGTON AS THE
SQUAD.
(APPLAUSE) AND TRUMP WENT AFTER THE SQUAD
DIRECTLY TWEETING THEY ARE NOW THE TOP MOST DOT DOT DOT DOT DOT
DOT DOT ADVISABLE -- VISIBLE MEMBERS OF THE HOUSE DEMOCRATS
WHO ARE NOW WEDDED TO THIS BITTERNESS AND HATE.
>> Stephen: WEDDED TO BITTERNESS AND HATE.
YOU KNOW IT IS SERIOUS WHEN TRUMP STARTS QUOTING HIS
MARRIAGE VOWS.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: IT IS A DELICATE DANCE FOR THE REPUBLICANS TO DE
FEND OBVIOUS RACISM BUT THEY MAKE IT LOOK Z EASY.
AND, AND STUPID.
TAKE, TAKE PENNSYLVANIA REPRESENTATIVE AND MAN WHOSE
EYEBROWS DON'T MATCH THE DRAPES, MIKE KELLY, KELLY SAID OF
DEMOCRATS THEY TALK ABOUT PEOPLE OF COLOR, I'M A PERSON OF COLOR,
I'M WHITE.
(LAUGHTER) YEAH, YEAH.
I'M ALSO A MINORITY BECAUSE THERE ARE VERY FEW PEOPLE DUMB
ENOUGH TO SAY WHAT I JUST SAID.
MR., PUT THEM UP.
HE STUPIDED ON.
I'M AN ANGLO SAXON WITH A NAME LIKE MIKE KELLY, YOU CAN'T BE
FROM ANY PLACE ELSE BUT IRELAND.
HOLY STUPID.
IRISH PEOPLE ARE MANY THINGS, KELLY.
ONE THING THEY ARE DEFINITELY NOT IS ANGLO SAXONS.
YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW THIS?
IF MY FAMILY WERE ANGLO SAXONS THE ANGLO SAXONS WOULDN'T HAVE
DRIVEN MY FAMILY OFF THEIR LAND TO GO WEST OF THE RIVER SHANNON
TO FARM ROCKS.
YOU ARE OFFICIALLY KICKED OUT OF BEING IRISH.
PLEASE, TURN IN YOUR ERIN GO BRAGH BUTTON, YOUR NOTRE DAME
PENNANT AND YOUR BOX OF LUCKY CHARMS.
OH YES.
(APPLAUSE) YES.
>> Jon: THAT STEREOTYPES.
>> Stephen: STEREOTYPES ARE TRUE, JON, ALL WE EAT IS LUCKY
CHARMS.
WE MAKE A SPOON OUT OF POTATOE AND EAT OUR LUCKY CHARMS.
>> Jon: I BELIEVE IT.
>> Stephen: AND FROM ONE AMERICAN OF IRISH AN SESESRY TO
ANOTHER-- ANCESTRY TO ANOTHER, MR. KELLY, WE ARE NOT PEOPLE OF
COLOR.
UNDER THIS MAKEUP MY SKIN TONE IS UNCOOKED CALAMARI.
OKAY.
I AM TRANSLUCENT.
YOU SHINE A FLASH LIGHT ON ME AND A RAINBOW COMES OUT THE
OTHER SIDE.
BUT PERHAPS THE DULLES KNIFE IN THE REPUBLICAN DRAWER IS
PRESIDENTIAL SON AND MAN WHO HAS GOT BIG GUMS AND HE CANNOT LIE,
ERIC TRUMP.
HERE IS WHAT ERIC TOLD THE FOX & FRIENDS TODAY.
>> MY FATHER IS IN THERE FIGHTING EVERY DAY, HE HAS TO
FIGHT AGAINST THE MEDIA.
HE HAS TO FIGHT AGAINST THESE LUNATICS AND GUYSK I'M TELLING
YOU.
95% OF THIS COUNTRY IS BEHIND HIM IN THIS MESSAGE.
>> Stephen: YEAH, 95, I'M TELLING YA.
(LAUGHTER) 95% IS BEHIND MY DAD, OKAY.
OKAY, YOU BETTER CHECK MY MATH, OKAY, HE LOST THE POPULAR VOTE,
OKAY.
>> Jon: UH-HUH.
>> Stephen: LOWEST APPROVAL RATING OF ALL TIMES AND IT IT IS
THE BUNNY, HI, MR. BUNNY, DAD, CAN I KEEP HIM, WAIT, COME BACK.
COME BACK, MR. BUNNY.
COME BACK.
COME BAN.
I LOVE YOU!