Let's kick it off with the escalating trade war
between the U.S. and China.
All right, with no deal in sight,
both countries are hitting each other
with hundreds of billions of dollars in new tariffs.
And now ordinary people in China
are suffering some truly dire consequences.
NEWSWOMAN: The Wall Street Journal says
millions of people in China could not watch
the series finale of Game of Thrones
because of the U.S.-China trade fight.
Chinese viewers expected to see the final episode.
Instead, they saw a notice about transmission problems
on Tencent Video,
the exclusive streaming provider
of HBO content in China.
Many fans fumed over social media.
HBO says China restricted Game of Thrones
from airing due to the trade dispute.
Yeah, that's right.
American consumers may be paying higher prices,
losing their family farms
and watching their businesses go under,
but China doesn't get to watch Game of Thrones!
USA! USA! USA!
That's what I'm talkin' about!
But this is a... it's a true story.
China can't watch the Game of Thrones finale,
and they are pissed!
And once they get to watch the finale,
-they'll be double pissed! -(laughter)
Oh, man. I feel like this is how the U.S.
could actually win the trade war. Right?
Because you realize America's best export is pop culture,
and if you can make it so that China always gets some of it
but not the whole thing, it's gonna drive them crazy. Yeah.
For instance, when the new Star Wars movie comes out,
just send China a version
where it's the long scroll in the beginning
immediately followed by credits. Yeah.
People will be livid.
You could do it with music. You could do it with music, too.
Send China EDM songs,
but then cut out the part when the beat drops.
Yeah. It'll drive them insane.
It'll just be, like 12 hours of, like,
♪ Dig-a-dee, dig-a-dee, dig-a-dee, dig-a-dee ♪
♪ Dig-a-dee, dig-a-dee, dig-a-dee ♪
♪ Digga, digga, digga, digga, digga, digga, digga, digga ♪
♪ Digga, digga, da-da-da, digga, da, digga, da-da-da ♪
♪ Dig-a-dee, dig-a-dee, digga, digga, digga, digga, digga... ♪
(cheering, whooping, applause)
And you know what, I'm willing to help, too.
I'll help win this fight. From now on,
when China watches The Daily Show,
they only get the setups to jokes, no punch lines.
Yeah. Check this out.
What you call a Chinese president who can't read?
-All right, let's move on. -(laughter)
Let's move on from the trade war to America's culture war.
Because Alabama is at it again.
A week after banning abortion,
now they're doing this.
Alabama public television has chosen not to air
PBS's recent Arthur episode
featuring a same-sex marriage.
According to the director of Alabama Public Television,
the wedding of Arthur's third-grade teacher,
Mr. Ratburn, to Patrick, a chocolate maker,
poses a problem for the young target audience
who might watch the show without adult supervision.
-(booing) -Really, Alabama?
This is... this is so insane.
For starters,
you can't keep reality hidden from children forever, okay?
Eventually, kids are going to learn that aardvarks are gay.
-(laughter) -Okay? It's inevitable.
And also, what exactly are you afraid of?
Just 'cause a kid loves something in a cartoon,
it doesn't mean that they're gonna try
and copy that behavior, all right?
I grew up watching SpongeBob, but I don't live in a pineapple.
No, I live in a two-bedroom apartment under the sea.
-Right? -(laughter)
Anyway, Alabama says they don't want this...
they want a kids' show that reflects its values better.
Yeah. So instead of Arthur, they're airing a Babar episode
where the government shuts down his Babortion clinic.
-(laughter, groans) -And finally,
if you've ever worried you're not good at your job,
you can rest assured
that there's someone even worse at his.
NEWSMAN: Ben Carson has been accused of being not qualified
to lead the Department of Housing and Urban Development.
Today he didn't help his cause.
He confused a real estate term with a cookie.
I'd also like you to get back to me, if you don't mind,
to explain the disparity in REO rates.
Do you know what an REO is?
-An Oreo? -R... No, not an Oreo.
An REO.
-(stammers) -REO.
Real estate?
What's the "O" stand for?
-The organization. -Owned. Real Estate Owned.
That's what happens when a property goes to foreclosure.
We call it an REO.
Oreos?
(laughter)
Yo, Ben Carson is a legend, man.
Do you know what the "O" stands for?
What if he just said "Oreo" again?
"A Real Estate Oreo?
Yeah? It's a cookie you can live in."
-(laughter) -I like how he wasn't confident as well.
He reminded me of all of us in school.
They're like, "And what is the 'O'?"
And he's like... (mumbles): "Organization?"