Hello and welcome to Moses and Friends.
I am America's least tipped cam boy, Moses Storm.
The music you heard up top,
a band that's gonna be with us the whole time
through this thing is Strange Hotels.
You can find them on Spotify, Strange Hotels.
What a great time to be a band named Strange Hotels.
Very comforting.
Yeah, we'll have them back and yeah.
We'll put a link up somewhere.
Now if you haven't seen the show before
because we have never done one before
this is the show where we take all of our favorite people
from the Conan world, the show,
and we put them up in your living room.
It used to be a live thing we did on stage,
but we thought hey, how do we make it worse.
How do we make it less fun?
Let's put it in a living room.
Lucky for me, though, there is two great guests on the show
that's gonna make the show not terrible.
Jenny Zigrino and Joel Kim Booster.
They'll be on in just a second.
But this is what liver performing is now.
This is 2020 live performing.
For the foreseeable future it's this.
You could do this or the other thing,
is a very real thing that comedians are doing right now,
they're performing in parking lots
and cars will pull up and when they like a joke
they will honk at you.
Honk, honk!
You know, the universal sound for
fuck you, get the fuck out of the way!
Feels like my dream.
Feels like why I got into it.
A lot of people like the applause and the laughter
as a substitute for real love and a bad childhood.
I like the honks.
I like feeling like I almost got in a car accident
every time I talk about my joke.
Or you can do this.
You can do these online shows,
which we won't be doing standup on these shows.
We'll be talking to funny people
and that will hopefully be a little bit better,
because I have been watching the Zoom shows.
I thought with this time I would learn Spanish.
I have learned no Spanish.
What I have done is formed a morbid fascination
with watching Zoom comedy shows.
And they all go something like this,
this is every Zoom set.
Okay, uh you want me to go now?
I'm on now?
All right.
Okay.
Okay, yeah, okay.
All right, here we go.
This is weird.
So I've been thinking about
how one of the unlikely heroes is bread
for this whole thing.
Because you go back to January
and everyone was like is that gluten?
Get that gluten out of here, right?
No bread.
And now everyone's making bread, right?
Wow, this is so weird.
Oh, someone's in the chat.
They're saying why would any human being
do this to themselves?
This is - uh, do you guys want to see my apartment?
My roommates do not want me to be doing this
and they look like they're worried
I'm gonna be able to pay rent this month.
Do you want to see my dog?
So they're rough.
So we won't do that.
But this will be fun because we have to do this.
Because we don't want to get honked at
and we don't want to do Zoom.
So we're here.
And we're live in the chat so you can
cyber bully me in real time.
If you've ever wanted to heckle a comedian
with complete anonymity, it's a win-win.
You go for it.
It's fun.
Now we're doing this because we're going
into another lockdown, which is very confusing
because we're also in phase three of reopening America.
If you're not familiar with the phases of reopening America,
phase one is we open select retail stores,
but with face coverings, masks,
which has been going great.
(beeping and yelling)
I feel threatened!
[Cameraman] You don't come any closer!
Back up!
Don't show any footage.
Phase two was we open restaurants,
but with social distancing,
with the safest measures possible,
like this group of people in Chicago.
Yum.
I love brunch so much.
I love the smell of eggs benedict and my own breath
and all my friends' breath.
This is fun.
What's that?
To-go box, no!
I'm gonna throw everything in the bag,
slink it over my shoulder,
because me me pig person.
And then there's phase three and that's what we're in now.
Phase three of reopening America
is where we all collectively just pretend
that COVID's not real because we're bored.
It's boring!
I don't want to do it!
I'm bored.
I get it.
You don't want to go into another lockdown, right?
It sucks.
Why would we do another lockdown?
The first lockdown didn't work.
Yeah.
First lockdown didn't work
because we never did a first lockdown.
We closed some places but not all the places.
And we're all one place.
Whether you like it or not, we're in this together.
A good way to think about it, I guess,
would be, okay, so America's a sinking ship, right?
Covered in holes, taking on a lot of water,
and our one plan was, okay,
well let's just cover this one New York sized hole.
Montana, could you help?
We're taking on a lot of water.
Montana was like, I'm not helping.
There's no holes on my side.
And Florida was like, don't worry,
I'll drain all the water out by creating more holes.
And people don't want to wear masks.
That's also what also delaying things.
(buzzer)
I get it.
You don't want to wear a mask.
I also don't want a mask.
It fucking sucks in there.
I've hung out with my own mouth.
It's a miracle that any human being
has ever agreed to kiss this.
It is so gross.
I've been hanging out with this hot, wet,
it breathes, it stinks.
Your mouth is like this open wound with teeth.
Have you ever looked at an open wound?
How do I make this grosser?
Put teeth in it.
That's your mouth.
But the honest to god truth is
the longer you don't wear a mask,
the longer you're gonna have to wear a mask.
I think the only way to get Americans to wear a mask
is if we deep fry them.
It's the only time we do anything that's healthy for us.
I don't want, what's that, chicken breast?
Zucchini?
Yuck.
Deep fry it, zucchini fries and fried chicken.
Yum.
We deep fry the masks, then you no longer
hear the argument that's like, okay well no.
Why you trying to step on my liberties?
Now people are like oh my god,
have you tried the new N95 Sour Cream and Onion?
It crunch.
That's my idea for Shark Tank.
That's the new season.
Okay, so this is true.
I've been watching the most recent season of Shark Tank.
And I want to hear your thoughts.
So put this in the chat.
I've bee watching the most recent season,
but the season was recorded in 2019,
before everything went, how to phrase, whoopsy daisy.
So all these small businesses, they're on Shark Tank
and their so confident.
The sharks, no idea what's coming.
Sharks, get ready to invest.
We've had a great year and in 2020 it only gets better.
In 2020 we're gonna expand 57 locations
and gross 90 million dollars per locay.
And I'm just watching this like,
well no you fucking won't.
But best of luck on your buffet / massage business
called Pork Shoulders.
Hope it works out.
I do wonder what,
like they have to do another season, right, of Shark Tank?
It's like their number one show.
What are the businesses in 2021 episodes of Shark Tank?
What are those?
So put those in the chat.
That's what I want to see.
What's a business that's gonna do well
that's like Hey Sharks, are you tired of your water
constantly being on fire?