Facebook,
the world's biggest social media platform
and Instagram for old people,
announced that they're switching things up.
NEWSMAN: Facebook's privacy shift.
The social network rolling out
its biggest face-lift in five years.
NEWSWOMAN: CEO Mark Zuckerberg is promising
to do more to protect personal information.
He also announced changes to Facebook's app
and a new dating feature called Secret Crush.
And then Mark Zuckerberg making a joke on privacy
that did not exactly land with the audience there.
I-I know that we don't exactly
have the strongest reputation
on privacy right now, to put it lightly.
But I'm committed to doing this well.
Oh.
(laughter)
Oh.
That was like a vacuum of silence.
You know, what made the moment worse
is that he paused for a laugh that never came.
He was just like, "And that is my joke.
Pau-Pause for laughter."
Like, I mean, on the one hand, I feel bad for him,
but on the other hand, I'm glad the robots can't take my job.
I like that, you know?
Yeah, they just don't have the programming.
You know that video of the robot who falls down the stairs?
That's what that was.
It's just, like, that exact moment.
(laughs)
Dumb robot.
But the good news is
after reading our private messages,
Facebook has heard our concerns
and says that their new feature is gonna be privacy.
Yes, and it's weird that that's a new feature.
Like, how was privacy not always a feature?
That's like when a fast-food chain goes,
"From now on we're using 100% real meat."
It's like, "Wait, what? From now on?
What were you using before?"
"That's not the point."
But if you're someone who wants a little less privacy,
then Facebook has something for you, right?
Uh, they announced a new feature called Secret Crush
which basically lets you know
if one of your friends has a crush on you, right?
So, you pick someone, they pick someone,
but it it doesn't tell you which one of your friends it is
unless you link, which I think is a terrible idea, right?
'Cause it's just gonna make people paranoid.
Right? Yeah, you're gonna know
that your friends have a crush, but you don't know who it is.
You're gonna try to figure it out every time you hang out.
Just like, "I love you, too, Jamie. No? No.
"Then I love you, Melissa.
No, not you, either. All right."
And then it's gonna turn out the crush was your grandmother
because she doesn't understand how Facebook works.
The whole time, she's just like, "You're my secret crush
"because you're so handsome and sweet,
"and I'm DTF:
down to feed you."
But let's move on from the changes on your screens
to the changes in your job.
Since the #MeToo movement began, many companies have been looking
for ways to improve their working conditions.
You know, promoting women to top positions,
creating new channels to report harassment,
getting rid of Wear Your Bathrobe to Work Day.
And then there are other companies who are just like,
"Uh, you know what? Let's just shut everything down."
In the wake of the #MeToo movement,
companies are considering stricter policies
on physical contact in the workplace.
Some people think even a handshake is too much.
A recent survey by a job website
found most people prefer
a total ban on physical contact.
Companies that do not have specific guidelines in place
should establish them
and make sure that employees know the rules.
So I guess you stick to a fist bump
or maybe just wave from the other side of the office.
Yes. Many companies are considering banning
all physical contact to avoid sexual harassment claims.
And I like how the newsreader was like,
"Fist bump or waving from the other side of the office."
That person is more creepy to me.
"Hi."
(laughter)
And I'll be honest.
I'm not sure if that's the solution,
but the part about banning handshakes,
I completely agree with.
And this isn't even a thing about harassment, right?
I just think handshakes are the worst.
And Americans are obsessed with them.
You guys love your handshakes. Love it.
It's just like, "Hi, Trevor. I notice your hands
"aren't covered in my feces. Put her there.
Come on, come on."
There's also too many different handshakes.
Like, I never know what to expect.
You know, sometimes it's that intense guy
who squeezes the shit out of your hand
like a trash compacter.
Then there's the sweaty handshake person
who always feels like they keep their hands
in two little tiny saunas the whole time.
Sometimes people give you the dead fish shake.
It's just like, "Here, you do something with my hand.
I don't care."
And then sometimes you get that person
who puts their second hand over your hand,
makes a little hand sandwich.
Why? What are you doing? My hand's not a bird.
It's not gonna fly away. What are you doing?
"Hold on. Hold on."
Let's just move your hand. "Okay."
Ha ha! Tricked you.
And, finally, finally,
if you thought that French is the sexiest accent in the world,
think again.
Well, we all have our favorite accents.
Mm. But which country
has the sexiest way of speaking?
You're in luck, because somebody did a study
-to find out. -(chuckles)
Uh, readers of the international travel site,
the Big 7, voted and decided
the people of New Zealand have the sexiest accent.
It's followed by the South African accent,
people like for its unique tones.
The third sexiest accent was from Ireland,
followed by Italian.
And this is what's interesting to me. Australian--
can you tell the difference between Australian
-and New Zealand? -New Zealand.
Okay.
So that's the list.
Now, don't get me wrong,
I appreciate South Africa being on that list,
but I think the list is all wrong.
All right? I'm not gonna lie.
First of all, I love New Zealand.
Great country, wonderful people.
But the accent is not sexy.
It's not sexy.
Right? No one's ever listening to a New Zealand accent,
getting turned on. When you hear those people speak...
(New Zealand accent): do you want to have sex?
Yes?
I'm so horny for doing sex right now.
Yes.
I would love to do the rubbing fronts thing, yes?
(normal voice): And, also, New Zealand and Australia
are not the same accent.
Australia is much more aggressive, you know?
It's like-- Yeah, like, in New Zealand, they're like...
(New Zealand accent): "Oh, my name is Tiki,
and I would like to have sex with you."
And then Australia, they're more...
(Australian accent): "Oh, yeah. I'm gonna grind you
"real hard, mate.
"Yeah, just put my shrimp deep in your barbie.
Yeah, you feel that? Oh, yeah, huh?"
And, like, the rest of the list is weird.
You got Irish, which is just a step away from being Scottish.
So, come on. And Italian, I mean,
maybe some people like plumbers, but I don't hear it.
In fact, the only accent I'm not gonna argue with
is South Africa. Yeah.
My only question is, my only question is,
which accent? All right?
Which accent in South Africa are we talking about,
'cause we have a ton of different accents, right?
Are we talking, like, the traditional South African accent
people think of, where it's just like...
(general South African accent): "Oh, yes, I'm sexy.
Let's have sex"? Or are we talking about,
like, the Mandela accent? Is that what it is?
(Mandela accent): "Don't judge me by my success.
Judge me by how I can rub your body all night long."
Okay, now that I hear it...
Yeah.
All right, now that I hear it,
that's the sexiest one.
No, it's really sexy.
"Time for me to set your body free."
It's just, like...