- Hey everybody in the bunker.
I've been eating like everybody else.
I ate all my earthquake kit.
Ate my Corona kit.
Now I'm feeling all fat and sassy.
(David snaps and claps) (girl laughs)
All right, lets do this.
(David makes weird sounds)
Okay, today is National Submarine Day.
Appropriate because shit is going down.
Boop.
(makes crashing noise)
Boop.
(makes crashing noise)
Who needs a sound board?
I got me.
An 80-year-old great grandma is the captain
of a women's hockey team,
proving once and for all,
women's hockey is not a real sport.
(David laughs)
I'll sell that one to Norm.
I take that one back.
(girl laughs)
But it is intense.
Women's hockey's intense.
When you go to the penalty box, the ref goes
"You know what you did.
"Why are you even asking?
"You know."
Then the woman goes (mumbles)
Travel influencers say Coronavirus is
massively impacting their income.
Wow, who knew that getting paid
to have vacations wasn't recession proof.
Hey spring breakers, by the way,
get the fuck off the beaches.
Why am I locked in this shit hole, dumpy mansion,
and you're running around eating asses
in spring break in Texas and Florida?
Do you not get TV at all?
Not one TV set is on?
And are people still eating butts
or is that sort of fucking flatten the curve on that too?
600 inmates were released from LA County prisons
to stop the spread of the virus.
Several of them promise not to rob
any store that had more than 50 people.
Oh, it's 10 now.
Somebody tell 'em.
Production on the Avatar sequel's shut down in New Zealand.
Oh this sucks, now it will take
19 years to make instead of 18.
But they are still due in the year 385,000,000.
They said James Cameron might donate
the budget for Avatar 4 and fix the economy.
Idris Elba has tested positive for
Covid-19.
Not Coronavirus.
Covid.
That deserves glasses.
He said it's the second worse thing that happened to him.
Number one was being in Cats.
(David meows)
(girl giggles)
(monkey sounds)
(girl laughs)
If that's a cat, it's not doing well.
The movie Cats is now available to stream OnDemand.
Well not "demand" actually,
but it's on a new app called Shoulder Shrugger.
Meghan Markle told friends that
Harry feels helpless, self-isolating, in Canada.
This is a fun fact.
"Helpless, self-isolating, in Canada"
is actually the country's motto.
(monkey sounds)
That's a chimpanzee, by the way.
I'm hitting the wrong one.
Okay, Emilia Clarke said that
she hated the ending to "Game of Thrones".
Stars, they're just like us.
(crowd booing sound)
Oh, that's not a boo.
That's supposed to be this.
(squeeze toy squeaks)
(girls laugh)
A subway rat in New York City was caught on camera
stocking up on McMuffins amid the pandemic.
Wow, breaking news, "rat likes food".
Dude, you know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna trade Mark poptart rat
and then I'm just gonna go hand a rat a poptart
and he's gonna fucking run down the stairs with it cause
they'll put anything in their fucking mouth that's food.
"Poptart Rat" trend it!
Somebody TikTok it.
Woooo.
Hang on.
(squeeze toy squeak)
(girl laughs)
That's a squeeze toy?
Fucking barely any life in it.
Kentucky Derby has been suspended.
The announcer said "And it's off.
"It's Global Pandemic followed by Social Distancing,
"with Netflix Binge in third, and here comes Whacking Off!"
(rooster crows)
I'll take it.
(girl snorts)
Tom Brady announced he's leaving the Patriots today.
First St. Paddy's Day is canceled, and now this.
This was a bad day for Boston.
Mark Wahlberg has announced he's already
making a movie about it.
(mimicking Mark Wahlberg) "I think there's something there.
"Let's get Pete Berg.
"Let's get on a conference call.
"We'll get Barb,
"Peter's fucking mom.
"Someone call Barb."
(spraying sound)
(David mumbles)
Okay, homestretch.
Prince Harry's concerned about the Queen
and Prince Charles getting Covid.
Everyone else is concerned she's not getting it.
Oh, not cool.
Hang on.
(crowd booing sound)
The crowd's a little late.
Half of US houses with young children now have Disney+.
The other half decided to stick with Pornhub Jr.
(baby crying) (David laughing)
Bye.
(girl laughing)
Covid.