- I'm Tina. Hi.
Okay, okay.
So I am disabled.
Don't worry. You're going to be okay.
(audience laughing)
Lock the doors.
(audience laughing)
I know, I know. I know, I know.
It's so hard.
I know. I'm kinda confused. I'm like half and half.
I'm not like, totally committed
(audience laughing)
to the lifestyle.
I'm like the bisexuality of ability.
(audience laughing)
A lot of people, they look at me and they,
they think that I suffer from cerebral palsy.
Which, I don't
I have cerebral palsy.
I suffer from people.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheers and applauds)
Okay, okay. Look, for instance, I'm on Tinder, right?
No, I'm not.
This is an old joke.
I used to be on Tinder.
I'm better now.
All my dating is weird, when they meet me.
'Cause all these guys, they know about the, ah.
But they don't know about this.
I feel like I'm a little catfish.
So, I'll read all the bios of all these Tinder guys.
Okay, it's not my fault. I read the bios, okay?
All the bios say that all these guys are open minded,
and like down for whatever.
(audience laughing)
I used to think down for whatever was a green light for me.
I come to find out I don' so much need a guy
who is down for whatever, but more a guy who's up
for something very particular.
(audience laughing)
I moved. I'm like, I just moved out here to New York.
Got my heart broken instantly, like.
If I could snap.
(audience laughing)
And like, I'm not. I'm not used to that, okay?
I am a Vermont Nun, okay.
I can say that, I can say it.
So back there, I was always like a wise friend,
the friend of the girl who got
her heart smashed up by some guy.
I'd be by her side, and I'd be like rubbing her back,
telling her things, wisdom, right?
Oh, there will, there will be others.
There will be others.
It's a good line, right?
I got that line from a promo poster for a horror movie.
(audience laughing)
Oh girl, he's out there.
(audience laughing)
But like you, you get why I do this, right?
I did this to show you guys I'm just like you.
(audience laughing)
Like I've got good days, and bad days.
Well, whenever I do have a bad day,
I just want to like disappear.
I go out.
I go to the bar.
Not to drink,
but to be around other people who have been drinking.
(audience laughing)
I blend right in.
(audience laughing)
I mean like, I go out a lot.
I usually judge a club based on
what the bouncer thinks I'm on.
(audience laughing)
I admit, I am kind of a trick question to bouncers.
I'm like a bit riddle.
My mouth says booze. But my hands say cocaine.
(audience laughing)
What am I?
This is so fun though.
I gotta admit, being born disabled really
turned out to be the best decision I ever made
(audience laughing)
as a comedian, you know?
Okay, I will never run out of things to say up here.
Because, okay. Put yourself in my shoes.
So I get up every day. I see people, they see me.
They don't know what's happening.
They don't know what to say.
That doesn't stop them, right?
(audience laughing)
So, oh, look.
Okay, so here's the prime example of this,
by far the best, worst thing to ever happen,
to ever be said to me after a show.
So, the other week I get booked
to do like this comedy fundraiser
for the Vermont Democratic Party.
(audience laughing)
So, you know, I, I go there, I do my thing. I crush.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheers and applauds)
You know how I do.
(audience laughing)
So I get off, I'm going to the back of the room.
A woman in the front rises from her seat,
bee line towards me.
She says, oh my God, I love you.
You're so funny.
I said, thank you so much.
She says, but I gotta say.
She did not.
I gotta say, for the first half of your set, I was livid.
I was furious, because I thought you were faking it.
(audience laughing)
I know.
So, here. So, let me paint a picture.
This is what this woman thought was happening.
She thought that I, a comedian,
get a call one day to do a comedy fundraiser
for the Vermont Democratic party.
(audience laughing)
I think to myself,
(audience laughing)
Yes.
(audience laughing)
They're gonna love this shit.
(audience cheers and applauds)
That's how I know that I can never win.
I can never win in this life.
You know, there'll be one.
I mean, I can make all of you laugh.
I can make all the people
watching this right now on their phones go (grunts).
(audience laughing)
But there'll be one guy, always, in the back
just thinking, she is not committed.
(audience laughing)
And, you know what I wanna know?
This woman was in the front row.
I want to know like, what was the exact moment?
(audience laughing)
What was the exact moment she realized
she's looking at an authentic woman?
Was it when I like spit upon her for the second time?
(audience laughing)
Is that it?
And she just thought, oh.
Oh, I love her.
(audience laughing)
The moral of all of this, if you will.
No, the moral the moral is that.
I mean like, that's the thing.
Everything that I do, isn't just an inspiration.
I can't lose. I can't, like.
Hu-ah!
(audience cheers and applauds)
Why do you think that I can get up here,
and do this in front of all of you guys?
Like, I know that even if I bombed, right?
Even if none of you laughed, it's still like a Ted talk.
(audience cheers and applauds)