Full disclosure: I get to be very vulnerable today because I haven't done
a topic like this with her. How do you improve your married life?
Vicki, you get to help out with this one today. -Uh-huh.
-Because I'm always spouting off about these 9 principles. -Mm-hmm.
-Let's go there first, could we do that? It's not magic, it's not luck. Vicki and I
have the best marriage that I know of. I hope it's the best one you know of too. -It is. -That's
Why I'm being vulnerable here today. It's not magic, it's not luck. There are
certain principles that have allowed us to establish and maintain a really
healthy relationship over these years. -You know I wanted to just back up one
little thing. We talked about maintaining a healthy marriage. You know, you got
together for some reason, right? And everybody started out usually together
for some reason that usually has a lot of emotion and feelings and things like
that. But a marriage we're talking about what what are we going to create from
here forward as a couple? And so there that is best done on principle.
-Right. You based that creation on principles. -Now, one of those principles
is love. -Right. And you usually started with that one that's where you started
with... -♪ All you need is love ♫, right? I'm breaking into song. I'm not sure that
that's completely true. -Now, you need a lot more than that. -I think love is
important. And we define love as a choice not necessarily a feeling. And Vicki, you
shared something about love recently that really impacted me. Can you show
that? I think we get to think about love sometimes to service better. We think
about it as a declaration. So, when I say "I love you", it's also... It's expressing my
emotion for you. But it might also be expressing my declaration that I will
always act in a loving way towards you. -So, in addition to the
feeling that we typically describe his love, it's also an intention and an
expression of commitment and the choice. I had a couple in my office where
she slipped out to go to the bathroom and while she was out, he said to me, "Doc,
I just don't love her anymore." And you can imagine how I responded to
that. "Well then love her!" Duh! Like what
are you waiting for some feeling to hit you from the clear blue sky? -Yeah. -Or is
this a commitment a declaration. I love the way that you put that. So that's only
one of the 9. As a quick recap of the 9, we start with positivity. And
there's a lot of reasons why that works in a marriage. We'll come to some of
those here in just a minute. Having a shared set of values is important. The
reasons why you got together in the first place.
Humility and the willingness to change is the third of those 9 principle. -Not
only change yourself but allow other people to change. Allow your spouse to
change. -Yes, which leads into the next one which
is forgiveness. -Right. So, we have to allow other people to change. -You know what I
heard a really cool definition of forgiveness recently where it's giving
up your demand for a better past. -Right. Yeah. -Don't you love that. Because
sometimes we hold those past things against each other and we beat each
other up for it. -So, that's forgiveness. Respect, love, (which we
already talked about) compassion which denotes also the willingness to suffer
to put up with the hard stuff. You know some couples at the altar they say,
"for better or for worse" when really they meant for better. When it gets worse, I'm
out of here. -Yeah, I'm out of here. This gets tough, I'm done. Sign up for
this. -So, it's compassionate. You need to be compassionate. -And then the last 2,
work. Good old-fashioned hard work. And then finally, wholesome recreational
activities. And there's 3 words there for a reason. Okay? We've been to Vegas.
You know that there are some things that are recreational but not wholesome. And
then we also will live in a very conservative religious community. Some
people delete that second word. Recreational. -Yeah. -Yeah. Wholesome
activities like, "Come on people. Line up we gotta have some fun."
We'll come back to that one too. Another tip that's kind of hard to hear is stop
expecting your spouse to improve the marriage. -Really? -Yeah. But you know, I only
control me. I am the only person that I can change behavior, change thought
patterns which are then going to change my feelings which changes the way I
react and stuff. So, really I have to start with me. And I get to be the one
that improves my marriage. -Honestly, isn't that hard enough to change yourself? -Yeah.
-But it's impossible to change someone else. -And if you're waiting for somebody
else to take the first step, because I don't know for whatever reason you don't
want to be the first one you don't look a fool you don't want to put out more
effort than someone else. Really examine your thoughts on that because really
you're the one that needs to start. So, stop waiting for somebody else for your
spouse to improve the marriage. -Vicki, this is the hardest thing that I ask
couples to do. When I'm coaching couples, I share with them it's a 95/5 thing. You
have to assume that this is 95% my responsibility and expect about 5%
from your spouse. Honestly anybody with a pulse can do 5%. -Right.
-So, that means your spouse is already doing enough. Change your mind around to.
If this is going to improve, it's up to me. Got it? Here's another thing I have
noticed from the couples that I've worked with over the years. It's really
easy when you're feeling like things could be better. And honestly, when is
that going to stop being true. -Yeah. They could always be better. -We have the best
marriage I know of. Could it be better? -You bet. -You're right. It could, always. So,
it's easy to approach a marriage issue, A marriage problem that you want to work
on with a mindset of "This isn't good and we need to change something." Lead with
gratitude. Start with appreciation. This is magical. And there's some power there
psychologically that put you on a whole different footing. Picture a couple on
the couch in my office, okay? And he he's saying, "What? I thought things were
really good?" And she's saying, "No, we've got to change this and got to change
that." Now, he's feeling criticized. He's feeling like he can't do anything right.
What if she were to lead with, "This is awesome. This is so good.
My life is better because you're in it." Now, how's he feeling?
-Right. And if you can't quite get that far, you know, here are the things that I
appreciate. Here are the things like that are good and here's what I'd like to
improve. -That's the positivity that we mentioned
is the first of those 9 principles. -It's huge, it's powerful. Vicki, let's give
them some things to avoid. Some of the pitfalls.
-Some of the words... You know, vocabulary. Words carry a lot. -Words matter.
-They're huge, they're very powerful. So, some words you might want to avoid are
always, never. -Oh, anytime I hear those, not from you of course. But anytime
I hear the words always or never. Especially when it starts with "you".
-"You are always, you never." It can't be true. So, there's a natural defensive that
comes up. -Right. -And that starts to shut down the communication. -It's just going to take
some practice. You know, to change your own way of doing it. So, I've noticed that
often. -Okay. That's different. -That's a very very difference. Because for 2
reasons. One, I put it back on my perspective of "I've noticed" versus "you
always." -Right. -There's some differences there. And that leaves me a little wiggle
room. I don't have to be all defensive about "That's not true" -Yeah.
-When you say you always are "you never." If you say it the way that you did just now
Vicki, it gives me some space. It's like, I don't have to fight with you. Yeah.
You've noticed that. Okay. All right. "Always, never". Why do you? Why did you?
Usually when you say why, you're not asking a question. You're accusing.
And really what answer is going to satisfy you? I remember a couple I was working
with she's saying to him. "Why did you give your phone number to that young
woman?" And he's like, "Oh, because I'm an idiot?"
What's he going to say? -There's no really good answer. -And there's no answer that
would satisfy her. -Yeah. -So, she's not asking a question at all. -Right. And
without getting you know into all the details there, I coached her to share
instead what she was feeling. Which he couldn't argue with. So the why questions
typically not helpful. "You're the one who, I'm the one who." And then followed with
always there never. That's another trouble spot. That's another pitfall that
you can get into because you're casting people in roles that you don't
necessarily wanted to be in. Basically what we're talking about for pitfalls is
anything accusatory or negative. -Mm-hm. -Guaranteed to send you down the wrong
path. You know we've just given you some pretty straightforward things to do or
not to do. Remember, the topic is to improve your marriage. So we're not
telling you you have to do anything anyway. But if you want to improve your
marriage, you're probably going to have to change something that you're doing
and we're giving you some suggestions of that. I want that we just really can't
leave without telling you is just lighten up. Have some fun. -If we're not
having fun, we're doing something wrong." -Right. -Vicki, you shared something with me
earlier in our marriage that's always stuck with me. You summarized it
beautifully. You said "Do more of what works." -And less of what doesn't. -You know,
when you got together, when you were dating, courting whatever you want to
talk about. You knew what the other person like. They loved to go out to eat.
So you guys went out to eat or they loved to go for walks.
So you went for a lot of walks. And for some reason, we get into patterns
sometimes. Where we've given up doing some of the things we knew did work. And
we're doing more of what we know doesn't because they really hate it when I pick
my teeth but I'm going to do that anyway. You know, he's doing more of what works
and less of what doesn't . Relationships are one of the tricky things that we get
to deal with. It's also one of the most rewarding parts of our life. So, grateful
that you're here on the channel. Please share this video with someone that you
think could really benefit from it. Let's help them lighten up as well. And if you
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