♪ Zack Morris is Trash ♪
(school bell ringing)
- [Narrator] Kelly's parents had an emergency,
and she's stuck with her baby brother, Billy.
But cheerleading yearbook photos are first period.
Slater says of course the gang will help.
Zack says no thanks to that baby.
But since everyone else has academic priorities,
of which Zack has none, Zack needs to care for Billy.
So Zack throws Kelly's baby brother in a duffle bag.
Rolling around, unsecured.
Shockingly, Billy does not like this.
Zack tries bargaining with the bag baby to stop crying.
He says he doesn't know much about babies,
which checks out.
He's storing one in a bag.
Zack orders Billy not to pee,
something he's surely done by now, out of fear.
Billy keeps crying, because he is trapped
in a zippered prison, with no visibility,
and limited oxygen.
Zack takes credit for the loud whining.
Then mimes over the wales,
as Billy's pained, ignored outbursts fill the class.
Lisa says Kelly had a major accident.
Zack shows zero sympathy.
- Kelly sure picked a great time to break her arm.
- [Narrator] The gang agrees, the best thing to do
is leave Billy with the nurse, or Belding.
Zack's ego shoots down both ideas,
because he falsely believes he can handle this task,
that he's clearly incapable of.
Zack's debating if he can hide Billy in his locker,
during his track picture.
Slater realizes Billy, who has been crying for hours,
might need to be changed.
Great, so he's been sliding around that bag,
in his own mess.
But because Zack feels a prideful need
to prove he alone, can care for a baby,
he is well on his way to murdering,
he destroys Billy's last diaper.
Zack wraps Billy's unwashed, rashy, shitty ass
in one of Slater's old shirts,
then fantasizes about a tiny, blonde version of himself,
who sneaks contraband into school,
and sucks at sports.
And grows up to be the worst kind of college bro.
Huh, that sounds about right.
Zack wants to get rid of Billy,
to take his track picture,
because an athletic glamor shot
is definitely more important than keeping him alive.
The gals warn they will be too busy
in Home Ec class to watch him.
Zack says that's perfect.
Maybe they can cook his hungry baby ass a meal.
Home Ec is offering an unexpectedly convenient cover.
But the magic waiter, who also takes school photos,
sure, why not, wants a class picture.
They put Billy down, and signal Screech,
who was sent by Zack to pick him up.
But when Screech returns Billy, that's not Billy at all.
Where is that baby?
Zack reprimands Screech for botching the baby errand
he could've done himself.
Then yells at the gals,
who were clear they'd be too busy to watch him.
Zack says we need to find this baby.
Yeah, no shit, and despite all of this being his fault,
blames everyone else.
Kelly returns from the hospital,
wanting to see her brother.
Zack lies, and sends Jessie to get him
from that place he is,
then stalls by having Kelly pose for a picture,
while Zack points at everyone
to secretly slam dozens of lockers behind her back.
The perfect plan.
The gang hears Billy.
Belding somehow got ahold of him.
Truly a life-saving miracle.
Zack lets it slip how worried he was,
alerting Kelly to the fact that he lost that child.
Then covers with a very unconvincing lie,
that they left Billy with Belding,
to take their pictures,
which is, by the way, what they should've done,
and they're here to thank Belding,
who has no idea what they're talking about.
Why doesn't he remember?
Because he's getting old,
and already suffering from memory loss.
Gas lighting him into believing
he has the early stages of dementia.
Siegfried and Polaroid shows up to immortalize the deceit.
Zack offers to carry Billy back to Kelly's,
revealing his investment in this project
was all to get into her pants.
And Billy's first word is Zack,
because this egomaniac talks about himself all day long,
apparently in third person.
Gross.
And we never see Billy ever again.
Because that baby probably fucking killed himself.
Let's review.
When Kelly needed someone to watch her infant brother,
Zack threw that baby in a duffle bag.
Then ignored his desperate cries for hours,
as he repeatedly soiled himself in darkness.
And only thought of himself when Kelly broke her arm.
And let his pride get in the way of Billy's safety.
Then when someone else had to inform him
about baby diaper changes being a thing,
let his ego interfere once more,
wrapping Billy's filthy body in a sweaty shirt.
And gave Billy to girls who said
they were unable to keep an eye on him.
Then got pissed when he went missing,
all so Zack could get a dumb yearbook photo.
And lied to Kelly about Billy's whereabouts.
And lied to Belding about having dementia.
And only did any of this to get laid.
Zack Morris is trash.
♪ Zack Morris is Trash ♪
(school bell ringing)